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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you assume you're invited?

62 replies

InTheMiddleOfTheRoom · 31/08/2024 13:58

My boyfriend/partner's brother contacted him midweek asking if he's free tomorrow. He said he was and they've arranged to go for a drink. He's assumed I'm included and is insisting I go. I'm assuming I'm not because I wasn't mentioned in any of the messages.

Boyfriend's sister in law will be there but they've been married for 20 years and so they obviously all know each other well. I've met his brother and his wife twice and very briefly.

Boyfriend won't clarify because he says it obvious I'm invited. I don't think it is.

YABU - of course you're invited

YANBU - I wouldn't assume I was invited unless specifically mentioned.

OP posts:
MounjaroUser · 31/08/2024 14:42

You've been together for two years - of course they would expect you to be there if the SIL is there too. If it was just his brother asking, that would be different.

purpleme12 · 31/08/2024 14:41

If your boyfriend has invited you then it's fine to go

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 31/08/2024 14:41

Can’t you just ask your boyfriend if you’re invited rather than just assume?

If they say yes jobs a good un and you go, if they say yes they’ll invite you.

Mnetcurious · 31/08/2024 14:40

On the basis that SIL is going then I’d assume you’re invited as it will include spouses/partners. If she wasn’t going then I’d assume it was just the men.
Your boyfriend should really do you the courtesy of sending a quick message along the lines of “@InTheMiddleOfTheRoom just wants me to check that she’s invited as well or is it just us?” if he knows you’re worried about it though.

Original poster
InTheMiddleOfTheRoom · 31/08/2024 14:36

Do you know exactly what his DB said? Even then it may be ambiguous...

He just asked are you free at the weekend? My partner just replied yes. He asked do you want to go for a drink? And they made the plans. Brother mentioned his wife would be there and that they hadn't see each other in a while so it would be nice to catch up. I wasn't mentioned.

OP posts:
Phloopey · 31/08/2024 14:36

In this case I'm inclined to say trust his interpretation over yours. He knows them best.

Also if you are not very confident you are going to be more likely to put a negative spin on it than interpret it neutrally/ "correctly" IYSWIM.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 31/08/2024 14:31

Say to him look, it may be obvious to you but it's not to me and if you want me there I need you to check with your brother that I'm invited

ErrolTheDragon · 31/08/2024 14:29

Do you know exactly what his DB said? Even then it may be ambiguous...

Many moons ago, my boss invited me (and my colleague) to dinner at his house. Words something like 'would you like to come to dinner'.

Well, we went ... and then we seemed to be waiting quite a while. Eventually my boss asked if I knew when my DH would be arriving. I'd had no idea he was included in the 'you', my boss just assumed a dinner invitation to someone married or with a steady parter was to both!

So... either of you and your DP may be right. It'd be best if he just clarified, but tbh as it's just a drink in a public bar or cafe, it's probably more awkward if the DB meant to include you and you don't show up, vs if he meant just your DP and you come too.

MichaelAndEagle · 31/08/2024 14:29

I'd definitely want him to check, but if SIL is definitely there I'd say yes you are invited.

Ratisshortforratthew · 31/08/2024 14:29

FloordrobeIsGoingToGetME · 31/08/2024 14:27

What's the history, OP?

If you've been with your partner 2 years, is it unusual to only have met them twice, briefly?

Is it? My partner and I have been together nearly 3 years and I’ve only met his brother and parents twice. He’s visited them maybe 6 times in the time we’ve been together but I haven’t gone with him every time. I don’t think that’s weird or unusual at all, we have our own life doing stuff with friends.

I wouldn’t assume I was invited OP but if the brother’s wife is going I think it’s fine for you to go too

BobbyBiscuits · 31/08/2024 14:29

I would go if I wanted to, and BC DH has basically extended the invite to me, so clearly wants me there. If I didn't want to go I wouldn't.
I would take it that if I wasn't in fact invited then it would not be me that was embarrassed, but my husband who brought me along. They are hardly going to shun you and turn you away?

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 31/08/2024 14:27

To be honest, if my brother had been with someone for 2 years and I'd only met her a few times and we suggested a drink and he didn't bring her, I'd actuall be pretty insulted and would assume she doesn't want anything to do with us.

Go have a bloody drink.

Original poster
InTheMiddleOfTheRoom · 31/08/2024 14:27

Hatty65 · 31/08/2024 14:23

So get him to text to check! It will take 2 minutes.

Show quote history

He won't.

although it kind of sounds like you don’t want to go anyway?!

I'm autistic and not very comfortable in social situations generally. It's a lot harder if I'm even not sure I'm supposed to he there.

He's very sociable and doesn't always get it.

To him, it's obvious. My family are all ND and we would never leave anything open to interpretation.

OP posts:
FloordrobeIsGoingToGetME · 31/08/2024 14:27

What's the history, OP?

If you've been with your partner 2 years, is it unusual to only have met them twice, briefly?

BobandRobertaSmith · 31/08/2024 14:26

Do you live together? If so, I would assume you are invited and “you” is plural because SIL is also going. If not, your BF should probably let them know.

Warmfeet · 31/08/2024 14:25

If they're both going then it's fine for you to go. If it's just the brothers stay at home. If it were for a meal in their house I would clarify.

Delatron · 31/08/2024 14:24

If other partners are going then yes you are invited. We clarify in our group by saying ‘men too?’ Or ‘are the girls coming along too?’ Kind of thing.

But if you know there will be partners/wives going then yes of course you’re invited.

Namechangejustincase24 · 31/08/2024 14:23

Do you live together? If you do the. I would say go if not I wouldn’t assume, how have you only met twice in 2 years?

PolePrince55 · 31/08/2024 14:23

InTheMiddleOfTheRoom · 31/08/2024 14:21

I'm happy to leave them to it but he wants me there.

Then that's all you need in order to go.
Get the glad rags on 😜

Hatty65 · 31/08/2024 14:23

InTheMiddleOfTheRoom · 31/08/2024 14:21

I'm happy to leave them to it but he wants me there.

So get him to text to check! It will take 2 minutes.

PolePrince55 · 31/08/2024 14:22

I doubt they are asking your bf to go alone and sit with couples if you're together 2 years.

Pippifer · 31/08/2024 14:21

I would guess yes you are invited but I’d just get him to double check with brother.. although it kind of sounds like you don’t want to go anyway?!

Original poster
InTheMiddleOfTheRoom · 31/08/2024 14:21

I'm happy to leave them to it but he wants me there.

OP posts:
PolePrince55 · 31/08/2024 14:20

If there address other partners there then yes I'd go, invited it not, he wants you there.
If there are no other partners then no I'd leave them to it.

Original poster
InTheMiddleOfTheRoom · 31/08/2024 14:19

Interesting. The vote is pretty evenly split so its clearly not obvious!

OP posts:
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