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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you assume you're invited?

62 replies

InTheMiddleOfTheRoom · 31/08/2024 13:58

My boyfriend/partner's brother contacted him midweek asking if he's free tomorrow. He said he was and they've arranged to go for a drink. He's assumed I'm included and is insisting I go. I'm assuming I'm not because I wasn't mentioned in any of the messages.

Boyfriend's sister in law will be there but they've been married for 20 years and so they obviously all know each other well. I've met his brother and his wife twice and very briefly.

Boyfriend won't clarify because he says it obvious I'm invited. I don't think it is.

YABU - of course you're invited

YANBU - I wouldn't assume I was invited unless specifically mentioned.

OP posts:

Original poster

InTheMiddleOfTheRoom · 03/11/2024 12:11

I did go.

He still didn't understand it and said that, in his family, an invitation to someone automatically includes partners. It doesn't it in mine and I would find it very hard if I was never able to see my sibling alone because partners were always included.

I think it's just a case of accepting other peoples families are different but I did feel uncomfortable to begin with.

OP posts:

itsmylife7 · 03/11/2024 00:49

Redglitter · 03/11/2024 00:24

Since the OP posted in AUGUST chances are she's worked it out by now 🙄

Yes but did she go or not ?

Redglitter · 03/11/2024 00:24

Since the OP posted in AUGUST chances are she's worked it out by now 🙄

ARichtGoodDram · 03/11/2024 00:23

Your BF knows his brother better than you do. If he's sure you're invited from their conversation then trust him.

Neveragain35 · 03/11/2024 00:18

Even if you weren’t specifically invited by name, as his partner of 2 years I would assume you are welcome! And your DP clearly wants you to go, that would be enough for me.

In the nicest possible way, it sounds like you are overthinking this.

Tink3rbell30 · 03/11/2024 00:14

No I wouldn't say so.

GrannyRose15 · 02/11/2024 23:49

Your partner presumably knows his brother better than you do. If he says you’re invited then you probably are. Families don’t always have to spell things out to each other.

SunshineAndFizz · 31/08/2024 16:31

The wife is going. Your DP wants you there. Go.

Mil3nnial · 31/08/2024 16:25

If the brother's wife is going and your bf thinks you are then yes

If your bf was meeting his brother alone then I'd assume you're not

bridgetreilly · 31/08/2024 16:23

Honestly, I think you should go. It’s a casual drink, not requiring explicit invitations. It’s a good chance to actually meet some of his family. And your bf would like you to be there.

WhereYouLeftIt · 31/08/2024 16:13

"Boyfriend's sister in law will be there"
In which case I would assume that you are also invited.

"He just asked are you free at the weekend?"
'You' can be plural as well as singular.

GalileoHumpkins · 31/08/2024 16:00

I find it really strange that people assume they're invited somewhere just because they're part of a couple.
If my name's not down I'm not going in!

x2boys · 31/08/2024 15:06

InTheMiddleOfTheRoom · 31/08/2024 13:58

Boyfriend's sister in law will be there but they've been married for 20 years and so they obviously all know each other well. I've met his brother and his wife twice and very briefly.

Boyfriend won't clarify because he says it obvious I'm invited. I don't think it is.

YABU - of course you're invited

YANBU - I wouldn't assume I was invited unless specifically mentioned.

If its all couple ,s than yes i would assume you had been invited ,assuming they know you are an established couple.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 31/08/2024 15:03

@DreamW3aver Yes. after 2 years, an invitation from DB and SIL would be assumed to include both me and DP. Absolutely. Might be different if we'd only been together a few months.

By 2 years in, in most cases the relationship is relatively serious and settled. So yes, I'd expect that this sort of socialising to be with both. And certainly, while we would have LOVED to see less of BIL, it was always assumed that if we (me and DH) were inviting SIL somewhere, her (now ex)DP would be invited too. DH would meet with her without me or him, sure. And I'd meet her sometimes just us for "girls" time, also fine. But in both of our families it would be considered extremely rude for me and DH to invite SIL and exclude a long-term DP. Frankly, one of the best things about their break up is we don't have to have him around anymore.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 31/08/2024 15:03

"Brother mentioned his wife would be there and that they hadn't see each other in a while so it would be nice to catch up. I wasn't mentioned."

See that sounds to me like you are not invited.

Not seen him in a while and nice to catch up doesn't sound like it includes someone they've met twice.

DreamW3aver · 31/08/2024 15:00

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 31/08/2024 14:27

To be honest, if my brother had been with someone for 2 years and I'd only met her a few times and we suggested a drink and he didn't bring her, I'd actuall be pretty insulted and would assume she doesn't want anything to do with us.

Go have a bloody drink.

Even if you had given no indication that the invitation was for both of them? I'm with @InTheMiddleOfTheRoom if I wasn't mentioned I wouldn't go without checking first

BIossomtoes · 31/08/2024 14:59

InTheMiddleOfTheRoom · 31/08/2024 14:36

Do you know exactly what his DB said? Even then it may be ambiguous...

He just asked are you free at the weekend? My partner just replied yes. He asked do you want to go for a drink? And they made the plans. Brother mentioned his wife would be there and that they hadn't see each other in a while so it would be nice to catch up. I wasn't mentioned.

To me that would make it obvious you’re invited.

Waterboatlass · 31/08/2024 14:58

Did you say going for a drink as in going out, not to theirs? If out definitely normal to bring you. If theirs well, normal too really, why would they particularly be meeting as a 3 if you've been together 2 years? I might just check in case they were cooking but that would be the only thing.

Im sure they'd be happy to see you.

If it was to discuss something serious or meet just as a pair then he would have said that

WorkCleanRepeat · 31/08/2024 14:55

If SIL will be there I'd assume are invited. If she wasn't going I'd assume not.

SummerSplashing · 31/08/2024 14:54

InTheMiddleOfTheRoom · 31/08/2024 14:18

I wouldn't do that!!

I don't have her number anyway. I've met her twice and very briefly both times.

No he thinks it's obvious because they're both going.

I don't think it is because they dont know me.

We've been together for 2 years.

Show quote history

@InTheMiddleOfTheRoom

2 years?? Why don't you feel more comfortable around his brother yet?

if SIL is going to be there, then
id day you're invited. I'd suggest your boyfriend knows his brothers intent better than you do, so just go.

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 31/08/2024 14:53

sunseaandsoundingoff · 31/08/2024 14:46

why, does everyone else's lives have to revolve around your plans if you demand their presence?

Show quote history

Well, that's not what I said, at all. It's clear she doesn't see his family often so it's not like anyone is demanding anything. But if his family live close enough by to meet up for a drink, and she's not interested in ever attending, yes, I'd have a problem with that. Both DH and I spend plenty of time with our respective families without each other, but there are times when of course we both turn up and certainly, I'd think that a casual drink down the pub with brother and sil is one of them.

Notreat · 31/08/2024 14:51

If the brothers partner is going I'd assume.you are invited too. If not I'd assume.its just the brothers

gamerchick · 31/08/2024 14:49

Going for a drink I would. The more the merrier.

Saltedbutter · 31/08/2024 14:46

I wouldn’t say you’ve been explicitly invited. But I’d also not take it as not being invited. Go if you want. It’s not the type of occasion there needs to be much forward planning for!