I can’t stand living with my mother in law anymore!

Could you get your jewellery back under the guise of taking it to be cleaned or repaired or stones checked incase anything is loose? Then 'forget' to collect it to explain not giving it back to H or MIL or be 'surprised' when the jewellers tell you what it's worth and present it as a done deal that you've put it in a safe deposit box at the bank because you're worried about it - maybe say a colleague has been burgled?

Do you have anywhere or anyone you can trust to keep your jewellery safe? You could buy a small safe so it's secure if you've got a family member or good friend that you absolutely trust. I think actual safety deposit boxes are quite expensive so probably not viable unless only needed for a short period.

Hi OP we often hear of these stories from people getting stuck in a family with controlling emotionally draining in laws. What you need to remember is that this will be affecting your children as they will be seeing the affect it is having on you. Please be strong and get some advise from organisations as there are alot of agencies willing to help. Karma nirvana being one

Move out, when you are ready, even if it is in a few years time. Don't get divorced unless there is a pressing legal reason to do so - you can separate your daily finances without getting divorced. The reason I say this is because if MIL owns half the house, it will presumably go to your DH when she passes on (if not gone on care home fees).
Then you divorce him when he owns the whole house, and take the value of half the house for yourself.

You will definitely need to move out if you want to avoid being MIL carer.

In the meantime, you have to detach emotionally. Stop caring if MIL is giving you the silent treatment - think of it as a welcome break from her voice.
Stop caring if there is a weird atmosphere in the home or if they are talking about you. You have to decide you will stop letting their moods affect you.
Easier said than done, but that is the only way to protect yourself until you leave.

Yes, my husband and his family are all ignoring me too. It is very difficult living under the same roof but I own a share in this house so do not want to leave until I get it. I try and keep myself busy with work and getting out the house. I have private messaged you.

This is very unfair

Why on earth does your husband not want to move into his own place with you

I’m sorry OP this is utterly shit, no-one should live like this. As an asian woman I need you to know, It is also not normal, don’t let them gaslight you into thinking this is normal. Most don’t live like this (your SIL being a case in point).

It’s easy to think you’ll be seen as the bad guy, but tell any woman and most men that this is how you are treated most would be horrified. Don’t at any point think there is something wrong with you, you are not being too sensitive, this is control and financial abuse. Come back to this thread as much as you want and there will be a bunch of us cheering you on.

Who owns the house? Are your family aware of the situation too?

Forgive me for my cultural ignorance but what would happen if you said no to MIL about finances?

Excellent advice @wordler.

Start a long term plan to move out - at this point keep the option open for it to be with your husband but plan assuming he’s not coming and also could be hostile about it.

Just having a specific plan and steps will make things feel a little better and each small step you take towards your own control of things will feel better and help you stick out a long term plan.

If you could stand the idea of a five year plan then your youngest will be 16 by then and the two oldest adults. Even if you can only take it for another three years then the two younger children will be old enough to have their say in any custody dispute.

Open your own accounts that only you have access to - you need your own savings and own checking account. You can start slowly - move savings and small amounts there first, or immediately get your wages paid to an account only you have access to - and then direct debit any money over to current household needs.

Start thinking strategically about your career and how it will fit your future - promotion, changing companies who have offices in different parts of the country depending on where you ultimately might like to move to when the kids have left home.

Well done everyone 👏 👍 who is contemplating an enormous life changing step
A big hurdle for separating couples is child contact
An abusive partner will continue to abuse, surveill and control through the children
Find out what child contact looks like for children under 12.....The Courts will give your new address to the abuser to enforce child access and custody in some cases, so please stay safe and find out your options first.
Post separation abuse presents a risk to many women and their children
Contact AWRC, IKRWO and other specialist domestic abus charity helplines for advice on leaving safely.
Don't Use the family laptop without clearing the cache or history!!!!!!

Just sending you 💐 OP. You’ve had some good advice on this thread. It may take you a while to figure out your next steps, but you’ll get there.

Given your children’s ages, I wouldn’t worry too much about custody. I imagine you’ll take things slowly to be in the best position, so your youngest may be a teenager when you move out. They’ll be old enough to spend time with you independently.

You are absolutely not being too sensitive.

You have no physical or financial freedom. That is abusive. Sounds potentially like a coercive relationships with both your DH and MIL. Coercive control is illegal in the UK. Remember that when you feel like you're overreacting.

Why shouldn't you be able to live in a way that makes you happy?

I could have written this post. Going through the exact same thing. We are at the stage where I have said I need my own space and he has told me he is not leaving his family. So I have applied for divorce which has caused everyone to stop talking to me. I was hoping that would make him understand that all I am asking for is some space but if not then I can do this without him. Like you, I just want to live my life the way I want and dreamt of. If you need someone to talk to I am here.

I was going to ask what would happen if you just have your wages deposited in your own account? And just refuse to let anyone see it?

He has access to all my banking accounts and I'm worried that he'll find out what I'm doing if I try and put money to one side.

Op, set up your own account and have all of your wages direct deposited into it. Your husband can't prevent you from doing this, so do so right away.

One small suggestion I read on another thread was when doing the weekly shop buy a gift card for the same shop (eg Tesco or similar) keep them safe and in a worst case situation you can secretly save some money to know you access easily and buy pretty much an essentials you need.

OP could give her work address for a new bank account if necessary. There is no need whatever for DH to have access to HER bank accounts, only if one of them is joint. As for putting up with it for13 years as someone suggested - why should OP give up a chunk of her life to this rubbish? Make whatever changes you can to your life OP. Would Womens Aid be able to help with advice re. accommodation?

I'm not from a cultural background so I won't pretend to understand, but it's plain to see that half of the posters here don't seem to recognise that you moving money would not be a safe thing to do if you got caught. You need sound advice. Definitely get onto those aid groups that deal specifically with cultural abuse. You need people who understand these dynamics and please ignore those who told you to get a hobby or stick it out because of the children. My god......

Look for things at work that go through payroll but that you have control over.

Your work pension - max your contributions to it. Sharesave or share purchase schemes - have the payouts paid to another account that only you have access to.

As for your wedding jewellery - well tell hubby you want to show it off to a friend who wasn't at the wedding as the photos don't do it justice. Don't give it back to him.

Do you do shopping in the big stores
if so when you do the weekly shop get cash back
20 a week is 1k a year
40 is 2k a year
keep the cash safe maybe in a locker at work

suits me accounts will do accounts for people with no fixed address they just want ID like a passport
so you could use your work address for the debit
card to be sent to

it also won’t show up on your credit file as it’s a bank account it’s a pre paid card you can top up in cash at any shop that accept Paypoint

or go to the post office and get a post office travel card
they give you the card straight away
you need ID passport / driving licence
min top up is £50 and just tell them you want it in pounds it will cost you £3 so 53 in total to get the card
you can top up in cash in at any post office
and the app is online

same for Asda travel card which you can buy in the shop and add cash to it

with these two there is no trace as nothing comes to your house no cards / letters or anything
and it won’t show on your credit file

good luck
it will take time
but you can do a little bit each week / month and have a plan

Op, you’ve had lots of very good advice so I’ll just wish you well and will you on to finding a way forward out of a very upsetting situation. 💐