I can’t stand living with my mother in law anymore!

Could you ask a trusted member of your family to open an account in their name & you transfer money into that account so they are saving for you & it doesn't look like your money? Also let you family know how you feel & ask their advice. Could any of your family or close friends put you & the kids up if you did decide to leave? Try & talk with your husband & see if he is serious about a divorce if you leave his parents home. It's very unfair on you if he expects you to live where you're not happy.

Wishing you the very best, OP, such a difficult situation.

OMG 17 years living like this 🥺
Just because it’s the culture doesn’t mean it’s right.
I sincerely hope you can make use of the advice here and get your life back OP.
💐

Depending where you work, you might wish to explain something to your work as well? I know I would be very happy to support my employee using the office address as a correspondence address in circumstances like these and you might find your employer feels likewise.

In not I'm

You are I'm a hard position but read on here. Many English women also have been financially controlled and abused nit by mil but dh. So you can leave also, just as they left

The organisation below may be able to help you.

Saheli.org

Try BAWSO. https://bawso.org.uk/en/
I live in Wales, not sure where you are but you could contact BAWSO for advice x

Wishing you all the best OP. It's really unfortunate that they know so much about your finances.

Can you open a separate bank account and keep it to yourself. Every month move a sum of money into it.

I'd like to reiterate what some PPs have said: this is abuse, with the dressings of cultural customs.

It is totally possible to honour cultural norms like respect for elders, close proximity to family, etc., without emotional, financial and psychological (or indeed any form of) abuse.

That isn't what's happening here for you, OP. You are NOT being too sensitive. This is NOT just the way things have to be. Personal freedom is the right of every human being, regardless of culture.

Engaging in customary closeness to relatives and hierarchies of respect absolutely can be done healthily, so don't think I'm saying that non-western cultures are inherently abusive. Not at all. But what is causing you suffering right now IS abuse, and you have the right to be free from it.

Good advice

Thank you, it has possibly caused irreversible resentment to be honest. I can’t get over how badly his family has treated me and he still worships them. I just never saw myself as a single mum of 4, but these things happen I guess. My sympathy lies with OP though as she lives with hers. I hope she finds the strength to remove herself and children from this and lives a happy life!

What do your parents /family think about what you're experiencing?

My friend's family went and removed her sister from the husband and MIL because he was going to kill her.

My mom's friend was a lovely man who chose his wife, so moved her and his children out of his parents' house.

It only seems to work where you have a supportive husband or family. Your husband doesn't seem to care, so engage the agencies suggested. Good luck in achieving your freedom. This is no way to live.

I feel enraged and indignant that you do not have ownership of your wedding jewellery. That is absolutely YOURS by rights, historically in part for just this situation, when a woman might need her own resources.

You've had some great advice. Keep talking to us. Make sure you do so safely.

Are you on a private device that no one else accesses? Even if you are, and especially if you're not, keep clearing your history, use a private browser, and be diligent about not leaving this page or similar open.

He won’t get the kids if you leave, at most he’ll get 50% of childcare. I’m not exactly sure how council flats work, but would you be eligible for one? Have you looked into what benefits you’d be entitled to?

Honestly your partner should have your back. If he doesn’t then back out of this, I am asian and DH has had firm words in the past with family members who have overstepped. It is a good thing to be respectful towards members of your family, that is not the same as accepting everything they do and say, It is not ok for him to allow his mum to speak to you like this. Personally I would run.

I'm sending you healing hugs. I know you will get through this because the first stage was you accepting something isn't right. That's when change happens; when the realisation hits. Everything will work out as you've already started the change by posting here. Xxx

Knowledge is power. It gives you confidence to do what you need to do. Do as you have said and seek legal advice from an organization that will understand your cultural nuance. They would have handled several cases like yours or worse. Be wise and discreet about the steps you take. I pray you succeed. Just know that you are in an abusive situation and that the system does not condone it. You can live better and deserve better, so go for it. Rooting for you too!

I feel for you. My neighbour was in the same situation- the day her husband died she said to me, “Well she (MiL) is going straight to her other son’s.”
Try to concentrate on work and build up your confidence. If you can, try to be subliminally rebellious and hold those little triumphs in your heart.
As your children grow, they’ll see the situation for what it is and be supportive.
Above all, know that you ARE strong and will survive this - and divorce is acceptable these days.

This. This is how I put money aside. Every time I went grocery shopping I used a card and got cash back, so it doesn’t show. Just make sure to bin the receipt as soon as you leave the shop. I saved the cash but I don’t know how easily you can hide a growing pile of cash

All I can say is I sympathise with you. I am engaged to an Indian man so I understand what u mean when you say domineering. My mil has caused so so many issues in our relationship and I feel like my partner doesn’t have my back. She criticises everything I do with my children, their names, how they are dressed. She’s called me fat. She judges my life as I’m white and have a 19 and 17 yo from a previous relationship (only left their dad because he was abusive). She knows he was abusive but told me I should have stayed and made it work. I do understand that in Asian culture the respect for elders is there no matter their behaviour but I struggle with this. It has actually caused me to wonder if this is the family I want to be involved in.
I love the idea of getting cash back when you go shopping and hide it away. He surely won’t miss £20 a week especially when prices are sky high anyway. Give it a few years and chuck it all in an account and look at your options. In the meantime, find joy in your children and hang in there xx

Another organisation who can help are Surviving Economic Abuse (https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/)

They have worked tirelessly to make it easier for abused women to create escape funds and they will be able to advise you which banks have signed up to provide secret accounts / have trained staff teams you can speak to who understand what you're going through.

You shouldn't assume that your husband will get custody just because he is the higher earner. Can you start to squirrel away money? And as PP mentioned, put your jewellery aside, this is yours to sell should you need to. Is there anyone you trust who you can talk to about this? I'm sorry you're in this position, it's obvious how distressed you are. Good luck.