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Original poster

MIL wants baby alone

36 replies

nrasy7 · 31/08/2024 10:17

Me and MIL haven’t always had the best relationship since DS was born. She’s a decent person but had a drinking problem which she is now sorting out. Because of this we have only just started taking DS who is 10 months old to visit her. She only lives a 5 minute drive away. Bit of a background is I’m still on maternity and will only return to work 2 days a week so my own DM will have DS during that time and she usually has him if I need to go out somewhere alone or on a date night with DH. He has started crying for me a lot but is used to my DM so eventually calms down.

After 3 visits my MIL came out and said “I think we need to see if he’ll stay with me without you here.” I kind of ignored her and then she said “we’ll try it this weekend” I just replied with I don’t really like leaving him with anyone unless I have a reason to. I don’t mean it in a bad way it’s just he cries for me and I enjoy being a parent I don’t feel like I need a break” MIL said she understands and she’ll take him out and about when he’s old enough to understand maybe at age 3 or 4. This made me feel bad inside, was it wrong of me to have said this?

OP posts:
Augustisnearlydonesogoodbyesun · 31/08/2024 11:09

You really don't need to justify to anyone why they can't have your baby alone...

HelenWheels · 31/08/2024 11:07

would she have him while you go shopping?

simpledeer · 31/08/2024 11:05

To be fair, MIL appears to have taken it well.

As your child gets older, and hopefully MIL stays sober, you might reach a point where you are happy to leave them with her at your house while you go and get a haircut/coffee with a friend etc

Take it slowly because DC safety is paramount, but don’t write MIL off. She might come good.

Catza · 31/08/2024 10:51

nrasy7 · 31/08/2024 10:19

Despite her drinking problem she raised my DH and his siblings very well and can be trusted but it's more the fact she just assumed I'd allow her to have my DS on her own like she's had her own children already so why would she even want me to leave him.

Because she is a grandparent and loves her grandchild. Surely this is a good thing. Nobody is trying to replace you but it is perfectly normal for grandparents to spend time with their grandkids.
I grew up in continental Europe and the good old "village" upbringing is still very normal there. My parents didn't need a break but I still spent my days as a child going between houses of close family. As a result of that, I have an amazing bond with my wider family and feel supported and grounded in life.

Olika · 31/08/2024 10:36

Don't feel bad about doing what you feel is for the best. Your MIL sounds to get it and is happy to wait until DS is older. As long as you get 'me' time and 'us' time with your DH by leaving DS with your mum and your DH isn't resenting you for not giving his mum a chance then all is ok.

Cherrysoup · 31/08/2024 10:34

She’d get to decide anything for your child, it’s very unreasonable for her to tell you you need to leave him with her. I wouldn’t trust her as far as I could throw her. My mum is an alcoholic and my sil and db asked her to babysit and not drink. She promised and no surprise, lied, then hid the wine bottles at the bottom of the bin.

IntrepidCat · 31/08/2024 10:30

Most people prefer not to leave their babies so that’s a normal response. She likely sees that your mother gets to spend lots of time with her grandson and wants to have the opportunity to have the same sort of relationship. You don’t want her to have it and that’s your decision. None of us know the ins and outs but plenty of people don’t want specific relatives to have unsupervised time with their child so that’s not unusual.

MonsteraMama · 31/08/2024 10:28

Sounds like she accepted it completely and isn't making a fuss so I'm not sure what the issue is.

I personally think solo time with (reliable, trustworthy) grandparents is important, but this is your baby not anybody else's so you make the rules as to when and how long anyone gets to spend time with kiddo alone. So no, you shouldn't feel bad for gently setting a boundary with her. You're doing right by your baby and I agree with pp that I'd be taking it slow with her and wanting to ensure her sobriety before allowing any long solo time. Sounds like she's happy to work with you on that which is a good sign!

99RedBallonz · 31/08/2024 10:25

I think it's normal to feel like this. Many people prefer not to leave young babies if they don't have to. The complicating issue here is your MILs drinking problem. I'd want to be sure she had been dry for quite some time before letting her take the baby on her own.

If you are sure she is sober, maybe you could start with letting her coming to your sand taking baby out for a walk in the pram? I wouldn't really trust her with anything else for a considerable time to be honest.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 31/08/2024 10:22

You wouldn’t have mentioned her drinking problem if it wasn’t a concern.

It’s clearly at the forefront of you mind.

And rightly so. I wouldn’t leave a baby with an alcoholic. Not even for an hour.

Original poster
nrasy7 · 31/08/2024 10:19

Despite her drinking problem she raised my DH and his siblings very well and can be trusted but it's more the fact she just assumed I'd allow her to have my DS on her own like she's had her own children already so why would she even want me to leave him.

OP posts: