MIL wants baby alone

We have two sets of grandparents who we had issues with caring for our kids (step parents so we had 3 sets)

My mum is an alcoholic- she has never cared for my kids for longer than an hour but there were periods where my husband and I could pop for a quick pint if they were all set up with activities and my mum was going through a dry patch (we didn't see her often and she was on her best behaviour as she knew we wouldn't visit). That's stopped now as she started drinking again and is now too unwell.

My in-laws are different- they mean well but are too nervous to do any actual care. We left out eldest with them for 2 hours one evening and I told them she was due to do a poo but they didn't check, blatantly ignored the smell and were in denial when we came back. Once nappies weren't an issue we tried again but they are just shit. One time we were in a pub next to a park having a quick half of coke and my youngest asked for a wee (he was about 4). Instead of bringing him to us in the pub they didn't know what to do and he wet himself and was really upset. We haven't bothered since as they have no common sense (even when we're there and the kids are playing a game with them and one says they need a wee they don't know if it's ok for them to go- they just can't be decisive).

My dad on the other hand is great- we don't ask him much though as he does so much childcare for other grandkids and we only see him 3 times a year.

I'd try for short amounts when you're ready and see how they go.

Don’t feel bad, you’ve made your boundary clear in a calm reasonable way and it’s been accepted :) alcoholic or not you don’t have to allow your child to stay over with anyone it’s 100% your choice and you don’t need a reason

You don't have to share your baby with anyone. No one has any right to time alone with them except you and the father. Having said that, I think she handled it well and hasn't pushed any boundaries. Obviously, if you still feel the same way when the baby is older and she asks again that might change. But for now she's been respectful from the information we've been given here.

“I think we need to see if he’ll stay with me without you here.

Well for starters you don't need to do that. There is literally no need.

On top of that, you don't want her to and you get to decide.

Yanbu.

You set boundaries and she accepted them. I don’t see the problem? You don’t need her to be childcare, you have reasonable concerns about her, so you’ve done the sensible thing.

My mil has looked after my dd without us there lots of times but my own parents never have. They really want to and are always asking and it's getting really awkward because they know I've left her with mil, dh sisters plus summer camps and stuff like that. My mum had lots of mh problems and problems with pills over the years (but is thankfully a lot more stable now) and my dad is a recovering alcoholic sober for over ten years. She would likely be ok left with them but past experiences have left me with too many doubts. I'm not going to risk it, not with my child. Go with your instincts.

Regardless of the drinking problem, if you don't want to leave your baby then don't.

As she appears to have coped well with being told no I wonder if she asked so that you had the option. She knows that you have childcare sorted for your return to work and date nights etc but maybe she wants you to know that she could be an option? She knows why she previously wouldn’t have been an option.

I would encourage the relationship in other ways, days out together, involved in what your dc is up to just to show her that you want them to have a bond regardless on alone time.

I've had my own children already. Doesn't stop me wanting and enjoying time with my grandchildren with and without their parents. That's a very strange statement.
If your MIL is a good person you could start by leaving your baby with her for very short periods and then increasing it slowly. The more people to call on for help when you have children the better!

I don’t think it’s unreasonable of a gran to want to think that at some point they could have care their grandchild in the same way that most grandparents do from time to time. She’ll also be aware that your mum takes him which probably feels quite hurtful to her.
It’s also perfectly reasonable for you to have reservations given her alcohol issues which I’m going to assume are/were serious given that she is getting help. You’ll be worried about her care of your child being lax/unsafe but also, I’m guessing contact has been limited until now because of her drinking so your child possibly does know her so well? At least not to be cared for alone.
If it’s still early days I too would be wary. But if she stays on the right track then I think there will come a day, assuming she stays on the path to sobriety, when previous drinking issues won’t be enough of a reason.
It doesn’t sound like she is pushing it massively and has accepted what you’ve said. But to say maybe not till he’s three or four was possibly a little unkind. It might have been better to talk openly about how you know it’s early days with her dealing with her alcohol issues and now maybe isn’t the best time.
Maybe the first step would be to let her take him for a walk or short outing but spend time with her first- you’d surely be able to tell if she’d been drinking or there was a smell of alcohol from her?

But she does have him on her own. Anyway, I don't see the issue. Your MIL asked, you said no, she didn't argue. She said she'd take him out and about when he was older. There is absolutely nothing unusual about grandparents taking grandkids for days out, or on holiday, or for sleepovers. In what parallel universe is that weird behaviour? It's far more unusual for grandparents not to want to have them.

Nope absolutely don't do it as someone who has an alcoholic parent and I just had my 1st baby as much as I love them and despite the drinking they are they best in the world I absolutely would not leave my daughter with them.

She's granny. Like your mum is

Get her round to yours

You go shopping and leave her for an hour alone at yours

Or let her take for a walk to feed ducks

Start slowly

Well maybe she assumed she could look after him for an odd time here or there because she is the grandmother, the same as your own mother looks after him the odd time when you need her . You said she can be trusted, so why just your mum and not her .

She's not made a fuss but it's never a bad idea to start to introduce additional caregivers in short doses because in emergency situations or if your mum simply can't have dc you know you have a plan b. Being so local you can leave them for an hour to go shopping perhaps at first.

She may not be your mum but she is equal in terms of grandmother and you say the alcohol isn't an issue per se. Daytime in short bursts also means alcohol is less of an issue anyway.

I'm not suggesting doing anything you are really going against your gut instincts but so often mil's are not trusted by dil purely because they aren't their mum and you obviously are ok with leaving your dc

My mum is a drinker too OP. It usually means a lot of selfishness so I understand your reluctance even if she's now sorting it out.

I also think her wording would get my back up a bit: "we need to see"? Why? That's your decision. And her seemingly taking it well just sounds like her laying on the guilt. Sorry to be negative, but I've had years and years of this kind of thijg and have no patience with it!

She sounds perfectly reasonable to me. She said she'd take him for days out when he was 3 or 4 years old and better able to appreciate it. It doesn't sound as though she made a fuss or applied any pressure.

I don't know why you're so baffled by her desire to look after her grandson. Are you equally confused by your own mother's wish to have him all to herself? I doubt it very much. Why do you feel that MIL shouldn't want any grandchild time because she had children of her own? Does the same logic apply to your own mother? It's perfectly normal for grandparents to want to love and nurture grandchildren. Surely you must know this, or has it come as a complete shock to you?

Drinkers' main relationship is with the drink.

You don't want your child under a drinker's sole influence and control.

Your no means no.

I'm guessing that your mum assumed the same thing? They're both grandparents of a child they love. It's absolutely the norm for caring grandparents to look after their grandchild without the parents present.

Speaking as someone who has no family support, I really wouldn't push away someone who you say you fundamentally trust. You may need her some day. It's never a bad thing to have your child used to other people.

E.g. if your mum isn't well or has an appointment or goes on holiday when you're back to work, it would be great to have your MIL able to babysit

Since you already leave your baby with your own mum, you're clearly comfortable leaving her. Why not ask her next time you need to go somewhere alone or have a date night?

That's unfair, Op said she's sorting herself out.

Op you say yourself she's a good mother. If you let your mum then you should let her.

What do you mean by drinking problem? How long has she been sober? Why did your DM get baby alone so often already (ds is only 10m old) if you enjoy parenting so much? I think we probably don’t know the full story - but seems like you don’t and will never trust her. No matter how long she stays sober. If that’s the case you need to be honest about it with everyone otherwise your DM getting so much access to your kids will leave you open to accusations of unfairness.

I also think your babies should not be alone with your DM overnight more than whats required at this age. Would probably leave the date nights for when he’s a toddler and find some professional childcare in the week when mat leave ends.

This . What do you mean by drinking problem ?
Pissed during the day regularly or just enjoys a few at home or pub in the evening when she didn’t have caring commitments?
It’s hard to gage what you mean.

So if it’s not her prior drinking problem that’s the issue, why are you treating her differently to your mum who clearly has the baby alone?