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Original poster

DH temper

37 replies

littlehorsesthatrun · 31/08/2024 08:51

My husband and I have been having problems and I keep going through phases of considering divorce. We have four kids, one is my DH’s and at Uni and the others are 15, 12 and 6.
DH is a good man, and loves his children more than anything. Early in our relationship, after our eldest together was born, he left me for another woman. He came back and I forgave him. I really regret this at times as the damage to my trust has never really gone. Very occasionally I catch him checking out a woman (probably most men do this) and I find this really hard.
He has done his best I believe to rebuild trust. He tries to split the load, he works hard and earns well and he is an equal parent as far as looking after the kids, although a bit of a disney dad and to be fair I do most of the life admin.
The biggest issue is there have been incidents where his temper scares me. He loses control and shouts really aggressively. He took a hot drink out of my hand and threw it behind me. This rarely happens and is balanced by good times. I just feel trapped in a loop. Last night we were out with the kids and someone bumped my eldest- it was a young person maybe a Uni student- and did it on purpose messing around in front of his mates. DH lost it and started yelling super aggressively. He doesn’t think he did anything wrong but what kind of example is it?
Please be gentle with me- can I work through this? He said he would go to anger management last time I got to tipping point but nothing happened. My eldest is doing GCSEs this year and the thought of upending their worlds is so hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
littlehorsesthatrun · 31/08/2024 10:29

What you are saying is true- I was a mug to take him back. I regret it but I don’t regret my kids. The way I’ve explained this is if you’re drowning and someone throws you a life ring you don’t ask questions. I struggled
so hard when he left- I was young and my mum was seriously ill- I had no support. The other part, yes you’re right about those things but the temper and worries are very few and far between. That’s why Im posting but I know really you’re all right. He’s never hurt me, but he has made me frightened. Never in front of the kids
Its not ok at all I know that

OP posts:
financialcareerstuff · 31/08/2024 10:24

OP, when you say he is a good man... I think what you are trying to say is that 'sometimes he is nice'. I wouldn't even get distracted by the absolutes of whether he is good or bad... They paralyze us and don't help. I'd just start thinking and expressing it in terms of behaviour. Your husband cheats, leaves you when you are vulnerable, is sometimes violent and aggressive, doesn't think he is doing anything wrong, and he promises to change and then breaks his promises....and he is sometimes nice.

Pigeonqueen · 31/08/2024 10:17

Well no, nice men don’t check out other women or shout a lot or throw things. Why is your self esteem and / or perception of relationships so poor that you think this is the behaviour of a good man? Because it isn’t.

Theleaveswillbefalling · 31/08/2024 10:10

He is abusive and cheats. This isn’t a good man. He will be considered to be emotionally abusing your children. Why would you stay with him? You need to go to counselling to decide what you want to do.

LittleBitAlexisLaLaLaLaLa · 31/08/2024 10:07

littlehorsesthatrun · 31/08/2024 09:27

@Screamingabdabz I posted because when I read threads that I relate to it always sounds this simple and straightforward- but it isn’t.
My kids would describe him
as a good loving dad. They love him
to pieces. The temper problem is few and far between- I know it’s bad though. The decision to break up a family is so hard isn’t it- and he’ll still be in their lives.

Just wanted to say something about you stating you believe that your children would describe their father as a good dad. When my eldest was 9 I took her and her little brother with me to refuge when I left their abusive dad. My youngest never really spoke about his dad for years. I now realise he was traumatised and that haunts me. My eldest literally said at the time and for a while after she didn’t understand why we left- ours was a happy, normal home. That haunts me too. She had no idea that what happened to us wasn’t acceptable or ok. Over the years she has realised mostly by herself due to new surroundings and people in our lives.

What I’m saying is, your children might say that about their dad now, they don’t know any different, but in the future that might well change. Whether you stay with him or not. And as you’re in abusive relationship with him I would advise you don’t stay with him.

AuntieMarys · 31/08/2024 10:07

He's an abusive twat and you are a mug. He won't change.

Bedtime91 · 31/08/2024 10:05

Sorry but I can't believe in the same paragraph you have written 'he's a good man' and 'after our eldest was born he left me for another woman' !!!

Good men don't leave their partners and new children for other women.

YABU for continuing to have children with this man.

Original poster
littlehorsesthatrun · 31/08/2024 09:58

He’s making lots of effort to be loving this morning. I think he knows how it affects us but I think you’re right that he just doesn’t want to change or see he’s done anything wrong. He just doesn’t want me to leave him

OP posts:
Raininginparadise2 · 31/08/2024 09:41

He needs to get help with his anger management. I'd start quietly getting my ducks in a row. If he doesn't get help then you can split after your child has done GCSEs. Living without trust, and sometimes feeling frightened, means your relationship is not strong and supportive. You deserve better.

Original poster
littlehorsesthatrun · 31/08/2024 09:27

@Screamingabdabz I posted because when I read threads that I relate to it always sounds this simple and straightforward- but it isn’t.
My kids would describe him
as a good loving dad. They love him
to pieces. The temper problem is few and far between- I know it’s bad though. The decision to break up a family is so hard isn’t it- and he’ll still be in their lives.

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 31/08/2024 09:14

He cheated on you and still checks out women. He’s a ‘good dad’ but a ‘Disney dad’. And the cherry on top - he’s aggressive and violent. I’d love to know what makes you think he’s a ‘good man’?

There is only one solution but you should’ve done it years ago. LTB.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/08/2024 09:03

He said he would go to anger management last time I got to tipping point but nothing happened.

You want him to change but he doesn't want to. So it won't happen. Just in case you didn't know, throwing things in anger is considered domestic abuse. Sorry Flowers