DH temper

Children who suffer abuse and neglect, including severe abuse and neglect usually love their parents, a child loving their parents isn’t proof a parent is in anyway a good parent.

I think the big question is: do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man? What will that look like? What happens when the kids leave and it's just the two of you over the breakfast table? Is that what you want?

Divorce is a big step. It's always horrible and very stressful. But then it's over and you build a life for yourself on your own terms.

I'm sorry that you are going through this. You don't need an excuse to leave a relationship you are unhappy in but you have excuses staring you in the face. He is aggressive and he scares you, and you are not happy.
I left a relationship that was awful, gaslighting, emotional abuse, it made me a shell of who I was. I felt awful for breaking up the family, but do you know what? I am proud now. And happier x

I don't want to 'destroy' you but I will say that this may be because people who tolerate aggression and aggressive people attract each other as well so couples in abusive relationships will know each other. If they found this behaviour intolerable they wouldn't spend time together.

My dad's family were all like this, and all the kids were affected.

I don't lose my temper, nor does DH. We may feel angry or shitty, cross, frustrated etc and sometimes we don't like each other's behaviour but no one throws things or is abusive (no name calling, yelling, swearing at each other etc). We both have flaws of course 😀

My point is that this may be your experience and I know it well due to family, but it isn't some kind of normal default, it's a choice.

That's terrible! I'm sorry to hear that male aggression is your norm. I do think that aggression is a very good reason to divorce. No one should be frightened in their own home or tread on egg shells around a parent.

Honestly...and ill probably get destroyed for saying this- i dont know anyone who has a husband or partner who isnt aggressive. Especially with the stress of being a parent. Do you never lose your temper? Seems minor to break up a family over. Life isn't perfect. People arent perfect.

Your husband is an angry piece of 💩.
Poor man probably has some "unresolved issues".
Leave him to fucking rot, that would be my advice.

Oh Op, dig deep. Do you really want to continue this relationship?

Pull the band aid off.

Your children will be fine (and don't think they aren't impacted by this unhealthy marriage) but you will lose more years and more of yourself by staying.

This rarely happens and is balanced by good times. I just feel trapped in a loop. Last night we were out with the kids and someone bumped my eldest- it was a young person maybe a Uni student- and did it on purpose messing around in front of his mates. DH lost it and started yelling super aggressively.

They did it on purpose? You are constantly countering OP.

Only you know what the best course of action is. I knew and I acted on it.

Good luck.

The kids will still know. They are still being abused and you’re still failing to protect them from abuse.

Anger can be dealt with, but only through intensive counseling. He went for a bit because you insisted, I'm sure, but he didn't continue because deep down he doesn't think he's wrong to express anger violently toward you, or he doesn't think his family is worth the effort it would take to change. IOW, he's not willing to do the hard work to deal with his violent tendencies, because his comfort is more important to him than your safety is.

Anger issues escalate, OP. He's already a violent, abusive cheater. Please think hard about the example this is teaching your children, and don't gaslight yourself into thinking they don't know what he's really like. They do.

So you don’t want to upset your child’s exam year but you are happy for him to live in a house where a grown adult throws scalding liquids around and hollers at everyone?

I am slightly hesitant to tell you this story becuase I don't want to give you false hope but I will anyway as I hope the key message comes through - that improvements are up to HIM, not you.

DH has never cheated on me (as far as I know). However, he also struggled with anger. Practicalyl from te start, he would occasionally have these massive bursts of anger that were entirely OTT and terrifying. And of course, afterwards, there would always be a bit of gaslighting (it wasn't that bad, but I am sorry) or whatever because of course, he didn't want to admit that HE was the problem. And he was (is) a good man - loving, kind, supportive etc. So I'd let these moments go.

Then one day he had one of these fits of temper over something so incredibly ridiculous and to make matters worse, he did it while driving the car and nearly caused a really bad accident. It was a lightbulb moment for me. And I realised that while he was a good man, I could not be with someone like this because in those moments, his behaviour is NOT that of a good man. It's controlling and abusive and borderline violent. And that over time I would be questioning everything I said or did to prevent an irrational outburst of anger. So I told him the relationship was over if he didn't get help and I went to my sister's house and cried for 3 straight days. Truthfully, I think my sister hoped it would be over.

But he did it. He got help and started therapy THAT week. And he did the work. And it was hard. and it took a long time and he had to relook at everything he thought he knew about himself and his upbringing and his behvaiours.

We have been married now for almost 20 years. Mostly happily (we have our moments ). When DS was about 2, he started backsliding and he threw something one day. I very very calmly told him that I didn't know what was happening but be needed to sort it out, asap. which he did and, in fact, that was really helpful because he was able to share some of what was happening in his head after that and he has never behaved like that again. He still has a temper, of course. But the terrifying anger, the potential for violence, the gaslighting is all completely and totally gone.

But HE HAD TO DO THE WORK. And it's very obvious t me that your DH is not there. So you can tell him it's over unless he sorts it, but you have to have a very tight timeline - he needs to start therapy within weeks - and then stick with it.

Exactly

He's not a good man. Almost no abusers are abusive all the time, they temper it with loving behaviour so you don't feel like it's "that bad". It's quite literally textbook.

Every single one of these "he's a good man except for all this horrible shit he does" threads I see I'm going to say it: a sandwich that's 95% wagyu beef and 5% shit is still a shit sandwich.

I think your fear of change is paralyzing you and you aren’t being honest with yourself about DH.

He is an unpredictable aggressive cheat.

I suspect you will be so much happier without him.

His behaviour is part of the cycle of abuse. I doubt the tantrums are isolated incidents in that there will be a pattern of behaviour intended to maintain power and control.

What you're describing is probably the tip of the iceberg. I really suggest you contact a domestic abuse organisation and have a chat about his behaviour. I also suggest you read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.

He won't change OP and anger management won't make any difference.

If he cheats, is violent (even just sometimes), promises to change and doesn’t, he’s not a nice man and not a good dad.

Your children think he’s a good dad but that’s their normal.
I thought my dad was a good dad … until I left home and had my eyes opened. Even so, I married an abusive man because in my subconscious it was somehow acceptable.
Divorced now, thankfully.

What was your upbringing like?
Because this tends to go around in circles.
Unfortunately, it means if you don’t get away from him with your children, they may either become abusive themselves or succumb to abusive partners ( because it’s “ normal”).

He's making an extra effort to be loving at present
Its called love bombing so you won’t leave him and to convince you he really is a nice person.

I think you feel ‘better the devil you know’ and really don’t want to the upheaval of splitting.
But really, though it will be hard in the short term, you should leave him.

couples counselling in an abusive relationship is a bad idea. And he has proven he is abusive.

As someone said upthread, abuse happens in a cycle. He does something violent- throws the cup, shouts at you and frightens you, then acts sorry- maybe he even cries a bit to show his vulnerability, then he makes all sorts of promises about it not happening again. Then when he thinks he’s got away with that behaviour he starts again. Which is why ultimatums aren’t worth your time either. He’ll promise you the world one day and then deny he did the day after.

Would he consider counselling?

If you're at breaking point, I would give an ultimatum. 6 sessions of counselling or it's over. Find a counsellor, find out the costs, availability etc so all that needs to be done is a nod from him. Making it easy for him isn't so he doesn't have to bother, it's to make it happen. Make him know you're serious and you want it booked by Monday. You're literally leading the horse to water, the question is if he will drink.

If he doesn't, then you know it's never going to happen. Temper is a tough one as it can be learned and become habitual. Most people don't want to lose their temper but get to a stage where it's difficult to control and the trigger flicks a switch each time but it can be changed if he works to identify why he needs to change and identify his triggers and alternate actions he can take.

Professional anger management can often be effective, but only if he goes and fully engages even when that means making sacrifices, doing difficult work, and accepting that there'll be some failures and setbacks but he's got to keep trying. And similar is true for rebuilding trust after cheating - it's possible in some cases, but it takes a huge amount of frustrating and time-consuming work that many people simply can't or won't do. (And if it is the case that he is abusive, options like couples counseling aren't an option.)

Even if he were the world's greatest dad, that isn't the same as being a good partner. He SHOULD be doing his half of the childcare and parenting as a baseline. I'm sure you're a good mother too, and you'd ideally both continue being good parents together or apart. And as a partner, he'd ideally be loving because he loves and respects you, not as a temporary tactic to stop you from leaving (or from making a fuss).

Would you have to upend the children's world if you did decide to split? Is there a way it's logistically (including financially) feasible for one of you to stay in your current home with the children while the other stays elsewhere? If you delay a necessary and inevitable breakup to avoid disrupting the children it's going to be a long time until here's a "good time"; it's another twelve years at least until your youngest might be out of school and working or at uni.

OP do you want to stay with him? Do you really love him? You talk about how he is a good dad and does his fair share in the house but not much about his relationship with you. What's important here is if you really want to be with him and believe he can change or wants to.

Isn't he horrified that you feel scared of his temper? This alone should make him realise he needs to get help. If he tries to downplay it and acts like he's done nothing wrong, that's a big problem.

If you decide to give him an ultimatum - get help with anger management or leave - make sure you are prepared to follow through.

That is the classic cycle of abuse.

I recommend you read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Also, he is not a good man/father, because he treats the mother of his children poorly. Nothing else he does for his children makes up for the pain the abuse of their mother causes them.

Similarly, how would you feel if one of your children ended up with a partner who treats them the way he treats you? The best thing you can do for your children is model boundaries with regards to acceptable behavior. If you won't put up with being treated like that by a partner, your children are less likely to accept partners who'll treat them badly in the future.