Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-laws holidaying close by

163 replies

ineedsomemoremetime · 30/08/2024 23:25

I'm struggling and could do with outsider perspective. DH has his parents in reasonable health, late '70s. My parents are no longer. DH is only child (through choice). His parents have always been very close to him, overbearing so often(his childhood friends confirm this).

When I arrived on the scene over 20 years ago I was young and inexperienced and accepted their overbearing nature. Holidays together including spending all time together, all DH birthdays, their birthdays, my birthday etc. and their inquisitive nature - a high level of interest in our lives.

Our children's arrival has stepped up their attention a notch. Now more birthdays etc etc. More questions. Relentless gifts even when no occasion. All done with kindness.

I'm feeling overwhelmed. Recent holidays abroad have made me feel smothered. All meals, outings together. Talk of DH and I getting time alone but this not happening. Children getting parented by their grandparents. I'm feeling swallowed up in this family and without a role.

Now us immediate four are on holidays abroad together camping and happy. Then we get whatsapp messages that transpire the grandparents have finished their time in different European country and are now spending time in the one we are in. Then it appears they are staying 10 miles away. And today they went to a local attraction which we had talked about. Inevitably they found us. Only I had wimped out as I couldn't face it as I knew they would be there. I've been really upset about it and feel we can't even have a holiday as a family of four without them showing up. DH explained lightly to his parents why I wasn't there and now his mum is upset and affronted.

Was I unreasonable? Maybe the above is all entirely normal and I'm the oddity? As explained above they are so very kind and generous. I've just had enough of their intensity :/

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2024 23:47

ineedsomemoremetime · 30/08/2024 23:41

I'm increasingly vocal to him about my feelings. Thinking back I think I always have. I remember pre-children actually crying with relief when a holiday ended and we were driving away.

He's so used to them he thinks it's normal. Then I feel that I'm the problem.

Show quote history

In that case, this is definitely a crisis situation. Your husband is deliberately ignoring your very basic needs and simple, totally reasonable requests.

I fear you have reached a breaking point, and that can be a very slippery slope. Your husband needs to start making you a priority or there will be consequences.

Ted22 · 30/08/2024 23:43

RE: the presents, you can put a boundary in place.

We were running out of storage (and a touch worried about the kids getting spoiled) so had a chat with grandparents, and now they limit to 1-2 token presents. They have a savings account for each child which they put X amount, which they used to spend on the pile of gifts.

Would his parents be receptive to something like that? I agree that big piles of gifts are too OTT. It can be a control thing too. Means they don’t appreciate what they get from mum & dad & others.

Original poster
ineedsomemoremetime · 30/08/2024 23:41

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2024 23:38

I agree, but I wonder if the op has ever really expressed how she feels and if she's ever said no to their plans.

Show quote history

I'm increasingly vocal to him about my feelings. Thinking back I think I always have. I remember pre-children actually crying with relief when a holiday ended and we were driving away.

He's so used to them he thinks it's normal. Then I feel that I'm the problem.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2024 23:38

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/08/2024 23:36

That’s terrible. Your husband needs to man up and sort this mess out now.

I agree, but I wonder if the op has ever really expressed how she feels and if she's ever said no to their plans.

Original poster
ineedsomemoremetime · 30/08/2024 23:38

Trying to think have I missed out any balancing arguments. They are very used to travelling around Europe and are often in this country along with others. But they are retired and so could have come here whenever they wanted. They have plenty of money and holiday often.

I just feel sad that they feel entitled to drop in on our own little holiday. But then the children and my DH love them so much (I've always been happy to let them form a strong relationship with the children especially as they only have one set of grandparents) but now I feel almost pushed out.

DH is a pacifist and will do anything to avoid confrontation.

There's another birthday next week and we will be seeing them then. More questions and a massive pile of presents. Which makes me sounds so very ungrateful but I just have had enough.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2024 23:37

I think you urgently need to get yourselves to couples counseling to get this all out in the open, because it could spell the end of your marriage if you continue to hold all this in. Have you ever told your husband how you feel? If so, what was his response?

Worldofflowers · 30/08/2024 23:36

You must have the patience of a saint to have put up with them for so many years.
It just sounds so claustrophobic.

Yes your DH needs to really have a serious conversation about letting you have time and space as a family unit without them.

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/08/2024 23:36

That’s terrible. Your husband needs to man up and sort this mess out now.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/08/2024 23:36

It's creepy, like you're being stalked.
Your dh needs to have a firm word, this is not ok, not acceptable.

CableCar · 30/08/2024 23:34

My in laws have hijacked our holidays twice. Not good, to say the least!

shampooing · 30/08/2024 23:32

You should be able to go on holiday without them intruding. I would be livid. It’s not like you don’t see them at home!

Your children are yours and DH’s to parent, sounds like you could do with some space to think what boundaries you would be happy with.

Start carving out your space, take up your space as mother and human being and ignore any drama.

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 30/08/2024 23:29

I’m really sorry your PIL have overstepped and arrived like this. I would expect my DH to speak with them to ensure it never happens again.

Pomegranatecarnage · 30/08/2024 23:28

That’s just unbelievable-they’ve basically gate crashed your family holiday. YANBU.