In-laws holidaying close by

I would stop telling them where I planned to go on a family holiday.

You could have trouble with your DH there though as I am guessing that he is the one who has told them. I'd be laying into him about that.

This is totally inappropriate behaviour from them. Almost stalkerish. We did go on a few holidays with my in-laws (they had an apartment in the Mediterranean which we loved to go to, occasionally while they were there), but we also went to plenty of places on our own as our small family unit. Nobody ever gatecrashed them. I'd have been furious if they had.

Sounds like they have incorporated you into their family unit without any acknowledgement that you and DH have your own family unit. My in-laws tried this for years and I think just ultimately saw me as this grumpy person who always had other plans.i didn't want to spend my precious free time hanging out at their place. DH eventually admitted that he was too enmeshed with them but now shows signs of this with our adult DC. I am always telling him to not assume they are available to see us and respect their boundaries etc. OP this will not go away if you do not nip it in the bud now.

I agree with others that you have a DH problem and as you rightly said he is so used to it that he doesn't see it or he doesn't want to rock the boat and upset his parents.

I'm sure someone will come around soon and tell you how ungrateful you are for all the free gifts and attention but as my mother used to say when I was a child "too much of everything is bad". So you need to stand your ground and set boundaries going forward. They will get upset, they will throw tantrums etc and your DH will get upset at you because he is unable to stand up to his parents so he will blame you but over time they should hopefully come around and if not that's their problem.

These things are easier to handle earlier in the relationship because now it's like the norm to them but better late than never. If your DH insists or refuses to speak up make yourself unavailable and let him meet his parents without you.

I agreed with @BreadInCaptivity, it's so fucking unhinged that it gives you a great opening to say enough is enough. They crossed international boarders to 'coincidentally' be in the same town at the same time. It's insane behaviour!
I'd have suffocated with this level of emeshed behaviour years ago and I think you need a really frank conversation with DH about how unbearable you find it and what you need to change going forwards. Work out what you're happy to continue and what you find too much and set yourself some perfectly reasonable boundaries.

Potentially this is a good thing in the sense is a really good, unarguable level of intrusion.

As a pp said this is stalker level of violating your family's holiday.

You need to make sure your DH understands that.

If you let this pass and he try's to placate his parents over this you'll spend every next holiday/family day out on high alert waiting for them to pop out from behind a hedge.

You are not only allowed to do things as a family unit without them, it's important that you do. For your children to spend time with their parents without your in laws always present.

It's great they love the grandchildren and want to be involved but it's not healthy or appropriate when it's at a level that means they have an expectation to gatecrash every single family event.

Your DH needs to tackle this head on. It wasn't just meeting for lunch. They choose to holiday at the same location and deliberately track you down to a specific destination.

I'd bet good money if you'd let this slide and gone with them then you'd find they'd insert themselves into the rest of the holiday pronto.

MIL is upset? Boo hoo. She and FIL should be embarrassed.

You need to sit down with your DH and draw up some boundaries pretty fast and make clear that this can't continue because unless you get some space from them with his support you'll get it without him.

HRFT but if no one has suggested it I'd recommend 'Toxic in laws' by Susan Forward. I knew mine were, but this book helped me put it into perspective. I was young and naive when we married and never questioned anything, trying so hard to be the perfect DIL. Don't be me. I spent over twenty years trying to win their respect when the reality was they always felt I wasn't good enough for their precious DS, despite never putting a foot wrong and being their lapdog.

I would be royally outraged by this. It sounds like a very unhealthy dynamic with them and grossly unfair expectations on you and your dcs to be their source of entertainment. My ILs want to move near to us and I've guessed they'd quickly become just like yours so I'm trying to put them off as long as I can! Put your foot down and start setting the agenda more, it sounds like you MIL is running the show so step into the role yourself and only give way to them when it suits you.

Good on your DH. That’s the correct response. I struggle with people invading me at home. On holiday -no fucking way!

Also what did you mean by “Children getting parented by their grandparents.” This sums up exactly what irks me spending time with ILs / I feel they undermine or over-rule me all the time. Like I’m happily watching toddler explore stepping some rocks - FIL bowls in and says ‘oh that looks dangerous let me help’ and I’m left to either snap ‘no he’s fine’ or feel like I’m being told I’m a shit parent.

Loving the way your MIL is upset and affronted by being a stalker weirdo

Your DH is part of the problem, as they often are

Once on holiday in France when kids were small, we drove past a supermarket car park and I said “oh I could swear that’s mum’s campervan!” DH kept driving and refused all attempts to make plans to meet up with them - they had clearly made plans to be in the same town without telling us. Nobody was crashing our little family holiday 😂

I’m so sorry OP. I feel this level of intensity with my ILs too.

I think you should ask your DH how they came to know where you are staying and where you were going that day? As he needs to not be telling them about your family holiday plans. And he needs to back you up rather than just ‘x is upset’ - shrugs shoulders.

I have a lot of sympathy for you OP. I too married an only child with overbearing parents and our first few years together were very difficult due to their expectations. I really believe they saw themselves and DH as a fixed unit, a trio, and when I came along we would all become one big happy quartet, but I wouldn't play ball so it all got very messy for a while. Infact I went no contact with them as I was sick of hearing how upset they were that I wasn't welcoming enough, I hadn't seen them for a week, I hadn't gone shopping with MIL, I hadn't blah blah blah.

My DH was so conditioned by them and so mired in the FOG he struggled to see the issue and everyone was irritated that I wouldn't just submit. Anyway we patched it up eventually, mainly due to them grudgingly accepting we had our own lives, and I've rubbed along with them for 38 years!!

We have adult children of our own now and grandchildren, and we wouldn't dream of putting pressure on them like we had put on us by DH's parents. DH can't quite believe how controlled he was, it was just so normal for him, but he sees it now and he really resents them for it, particularly as they once piled so much guilt onto him they stopped him taking up an amazing job in New Zealand.

My only advice would be to take a massive step back from them. Have other plans, don't always be available for birthday celebrations and meals out. Be firm about when you're too busy to see them, do stuff on your own and let DH see them on his own if he wants. Honestly they sound worse than my inlaws, and that's saying something.

@ineedsomemoremetime you should not be telling them where you are going, ever!! let them think you are just going to go where the mood takes you! I would certainly not be tolerating this any more. there is no need for them to be in your pockets so much!

I would be having really strong words, first of all with your dh for handling it so badly.
He should have not gone to meet them.
He should have replied to the first message telling you they were near by, by saying "How odd. We have planned this as a break just for us. It seems odd you have followed us here."

But I think you should have been more forceful from the start.
My PiL are nice enough, but I wouldn't be going on holiday with them regularly - it completely changes the dynamics, however nice it is for a couple of days, now and then.

So.... your DH threw you under the bus with his parents. Wouldn't admit it also annoys him, but made it all about how you feel about their constant intrusiveness and no alone time as a family unit.

I'm sorry. That's really shit.

Why do you keep going on holidays with them? or agreeing to celebrate your birthday with them? surely you have some agency here? it's all so enmeshed.

I would hate this as well. Can you slowly pull back - don’t mention holidays, just make no mention at all. When you’re away, don’t reply to WhatsApp’s. Birthdays you may have to suck up a bit and cope.
Alternatively, if they’re nice, just say “we love you but we love our holidays to be just the 4 of us so can you not come to the exact same place that we are?”

"He's so used to them he thinks it's normal. Then I feel that I'm the problem."

Then it appears they are staying 10 miles away. And today they went to a local attraction which we had talked about. Inevitably they found us.

There is nothing normal about this. This could be considered low level stalking, FGS. It's difficult to imagine how anyone could think it's appropriate to intrude on your adult child and his family like this. I am extremely close to my adult children and I would never even consider doing this.

You are not the problem here.