In-laws holidaying close by

I think you should reply and say you dont feel like discussing future plans.

If its your birthday don't celebrate with them.

Why is it that people prone to floods of tears always get to stomp all over everyone else's wishes?

*parents not arenas !

YADNBU!!
Your partner sounds codependent and his parents have no boundaries. It’s not acceptable in the least. Honestly, I’d end it and let him deal with them on his own. He needs to firstly be made very aware of the effect this is having on you to let him set a boundary. This will only get worse without a line being drawn. Good luck but if it was me I’d get out.

OP, I sympathise with both of you. As another poster said, you are extremes of family dynamics. For birthdays I would separate out the celebrations. Go to visit them for one celebration, but have a small nuclear family celebration as well.
On holidays, I'd remind your DH that just as his parents are getting older, so are your children and you want to make memories with them on family holidays. You can have days out at home maybe with his arenas, but save the big holidays for time together for you to spend as a couple and with your children. You won't get this time back, and much as you can appreciate his parents' love and support you also need to have time to enjoy him without them. They shouldn't be an integral part of your marriage

If leaving feels too nuclear (although personally I'd go nuclear) can you mute and archive it for now, so you aren't seeing the messages at least? Give yourself some space from them.
Or could you find a message you feel comfortable sending, that makes it clear how upset/ angry you are and that now is not the time to be discussing future plans. Tell them that when you are back from your hijacked holiday you would like to discuss what has happened and what will be happening going forwards.
It might result in tears but why are you prioritising their upset above your own? Frankly they need to know how much their deranged behaviour is affecting you.

Archive the chat so you don’t see messages.

Everyone except you? Because that’s basically what he’s saying. As long as his parents are happy, then you don’t matter? Things need to change, he needs to understand that you don’t want them to be involved in every occasion. I’d say for the next event eg holiday, you clarify at the start that you don’t want your pil involved.

"What it comes down to is you'd rather upset me and have me be unhappy than your parents. You think what they want is more important than what I need. That's not right and this is how marriages die. I think we need to book couples/family counselling because our marriage is in trouble here."

Well this isn't true though is it? Because you've made it clear that you're not happy with the status quo and he's making you feel that you're being difficult.

It's pathetic to say that he's caught in the middle. Sorry but it is. Any normal person would know that it's completely unreasonable to schlepp up on someone else's holiday uninvited. Also if you do arrange to go away with family members or friends the cardinal rule is that you give each other space and do some but not all things together. And yet he takes their side.

I get the ageing parents thing but it doesn't mean that you have to do everything with them. They have each other for company and there's no reason to make your family the entertainment's committee. I have several friends in their mid to late 70s - all windows/divorced - and none of them would pull that stunt or expect to be included in all family occasions.

Stand your ground and don't be guilted into playing nice and getting none of your needs met.

I think you need to make super clear that you will not be caring for them, at all, in any way shape or form.
Check out the Elderly Parents board to see you future if you don't sort it out now

My grandparents (dad's side) were exactly like this, and when my sister and I got to an age were we noticed things more, we saw how upset our poor mum was all the time. That led to us resenting our grandparents AND our dad for not doing anything. Maybe tell your H what he's risking?

@Greydays3

I agree with you.

OP's 'upset and affront' is not being given as much credence as MIL's. DH would rather upset OP than his mother.
This is one reason marriages break up.
I'd make this holiday ' the hill' I died on.

I'd remain furious and upset with DH, until he absolutely gets the message or it would change irrevocably how I felt about him constantly prioritising his parent's feelings above your (perfectly reasonable) feelings.

Turning up unannounced on your holiday is so inappropriate, it's hard to fathom the thinking process behind it.

So weird to have to hide your holiday plans in case the stalkers turn up! Your DH needs to man up. They are unlikely to listen to you as you are the outsider in their little threesome and will just come off as the Evil One trying to prevent them from seeing their beloved son and grandchildren. They sound very peculiar and not normal to me so either they are socially completely inept and don't understand how to behave or your DH is secretly (probably out of habit) enabling them to come along too by giving them details of everything you do.

OP, this is not normal behaviour.

I think you need to wake up to just how controlling and manipulative your husband is.

He is way ahead of you.
I think you need to find your anger and upset.

Him and his parents have ruined your holiday.
Remain very very upset.
Do NOT move on from this.
I would be telling him that perhaps you need some time apart.
That he should go and stay with his parents.
That this has made you realise that actually you may not wish to remain married to him.
That tine apart is needed.
He is not a good man.
He is not easy going.
He is a bully that has gotten what he wants for years.
He doesn't care at all what you want.

You may think you have a loving marriage but IMO you really don't.

You are bullied, controlled, manipulated and ignored.
HE gets everything he wants.

I would go the nuclear option.
His family are no longer welcome in your home and he needs to stay with them and visit them alone.

If you do not make a stand now, this is your life.
You will eventually wake up and realise that you allowed your family life and your childrens childhood be absolutely dominated by your husband and his parents.

Your anger will fully erupt but you will not get this time back.

You have lost enough.
Get some sole therapy to figure out why you have tolerated this for so long?

Agree with everything @Wiggly says above.

It may take time to undo some of these precedents and set new boundaries.

But you can change some things straight away. If they over stay on a work night, excuse yourself politely and go to bed.

He’s not ‘in the middle’ though, is he? He’s on their side! He can see you are upset, he knows that they are totally imposing themselves on every moment of family time that they can, and yet he says nothing. In fact, he encourages it by making excuses for it and indulging them while they sit there at midnight on a work night. You’ll need to be really firm and explain that, as a family, you have very little time to make independent memories or bond because they are continually present. That the dynamic shifts when it’s no longer you and your husband and children, but also your in-laws. And then do what others have suggested which is to exclude yourself and possibly the children from some of these get togethers so that they are meeting your husband without you. He can entertain them if he wants. He needed to set some boundaries many years ago but hasn’t, so it will now be difficult as the precedent of them seeing him any time they want - even in your holidays - has been established.

Going against the grain, and I may have missed something here, but it sounds like you are the only one who has a problem with it.

For your DH, this is normal and he clearly expects his parents to be very involved in his / your lives. Your children love spending time with their grandparents. And your PIL expect and live to be deeply involved - which they have been for many years now.

this is not to say your feelings aren’t valid (they are and frankly I feel suffocated just reading your post ). They are completely valid. But you haven’t set any boundaries, you say seem to be on the same page as your DH in this at all. Yes, you can choose to take your own self out of the situation but clearly your DH is not going to follow you.

So you need to sort this out with your DH and present a consistent, united front if things are going to change. Find a middle ground between suffocating over involvement and no contact at all. Maybe some events (like family holidays) can be sacrosanct for just the four of you - and it’s your DHs job to deliver that message to his parents without making you the bad guy. But at other (agreed) events, they are welcomed in - and you stuck it up.

YANBU, and your DH had no business making you out to be the baddie.

He is the one allowing his parents to seep into every aspect of your lives… but perhaps he has had no indication that it is all too much, and they may have been given no boundaries. So suddenly to be told that you are not happy is a jolt.

Given that this has gone on so long, and involved DH being in the grip of his parents, it’s complex. I would actually consider couples counselling before any nuclear option involving no contact , low contact and risking permanent upset. To work out between you how to reclaim your nuclear family, a safe space for you to talk about DH’s family (always sensitive) and work out together what you want as a team.

I would hate this. Don't tell them your holiday plans anymore.

I also agree with PP about not allowing yourself to be manipulated with the "they are getting older" guilt trips. You and your children are also getting older. You only get a few years of family holidays while they are little and in a blink that time of your life is gone. This needs stopping. It's lovely that they want to be in your lives but there has to be boundaries.

Then you need to be as quick off the mark as they were and say “Thank you…these are our children…we’ll look after this now” and remove yourselves from their company as quickly as you can.

You can assert yourself without being rude and it reads to me like you don’t quite know how to do that with these people.

Are you my sil? 😂have this exact dynamic in our relationship with dh parents at times!!!

So the first time we were already on holiday and they didn't even announce their arrival- they surprised us in person at the resort!!!!!!! I was stunned at the time, as I was so shocked. I wasn't keen, but DH didn't mind as he said they'd be able to help with the kids (both little at the time) and let us have some time just the two of us. Tbh that did end up happening in that they helped look after the kids, so that was okay, but it was a silver lining in the cloud because I found it intrusive overall that they were there. Even when they did help out with the kids it was on their terms (they offered to babysit one night but only for an hour and a half!!!! Hardly long enough to drive somewhere, eat out and get back again! Would've been easier for us to have had a takeaway at home ourselves!)

The second time, I was really peeved. I found out when they had already booked somewhere, so I couldn't even say that we'd like our own space please don't, as it was all booked... I was stressed and frustrated because it felt so unfair. It really ruined the excitement for looking forward to the holiday. I was sooooo cross that they didn't ask us before they booked. It isn't ok to just crash someone's holiday!!!!! My pil are quite vocal about us doing things in a different way to them and were very critical. I was potentially quite selfish and did what I wanted with dh, but DH was happy to have us do things as our own family unit. DH wasn't pleased with their behaviour this time. We both said we don't want to ever have a similar situation again!!!!! Our relationship with my pil is tricky anyway as they're quite controlling and if they don't like how we do things they are either vocal about it or get offended and sulk... very emotionally immature at times. I have no idea why they want to gatecrash our holidays tbh as they rarely visit us!! You'd think they'd rather see us for a day in a small dose rather than gate crash our holiday.

I love how your dh is “conflict avoidant” and “hates being in the middle” but it was what he said that has created this situation.

I don’t agree with all the pps who say that this situation must be handled by dh; he’s clearly not capable and unlikely to suddenly develop a backbone. He’s thrown you under the bus so you may as well accept that you’re now the villain and use that to your advantage.

Decide for yourself what level of contact is acceptable and then work towards that. Don’t get drawn into arguments by making any big declarations. Just have other plans, and changes of plans.

My in-laws are a lot like this - including inserting themselves into our holidays. And dh got absolutely roasted the one and only time he threw me under the bus. It took several years for him to wake up to his dm’s guilt trips, and don’t even start me on “dad’s last Christmas”. I missed my dad’s last Christmas!

He did eventually wake up to it, but I had to build sensible boundaries in the meantime. The key is to not retract when you’re put on the spot. At some point, you’ll get “Dh said that you …” and it will be so tempting to apologise, or deny. Just don’t. Silence will do if you don’t want to have it out.

For your OH- I would remind him that this holiday was also time for you to spend time together as a husband and wife; relax, chat, have fun; but you can't because you are worried about them constantly turning up. Which they do.

And to be honest, you have explained yourself really well in your posts; you should do the same to his parents. You love them, your children love them but you want to have time as a husband and wife without them. And shut down them parenting your children straight away.