In-laws holidaying close by

Are they wanting to meet up every day now for the rest of your holiday OP? Oh surely not 🤦‍♀️😭

I bet your MIL didn't spend all this time in her own MIL's company. It's usually the overbearing ILs who didn't actually get on with their own ILs !!

Do you think they are expecting you all to join up now on this holiday? Spend the rest of the time in each others pockets?

@cityonahill put it better than I did. You actually hold quite a lot of the cards here and you can nicely and politely withdraw and set new boundaries. There is no reason at all that you should stay up to midnight just because they want to, to state a very obvious one.

I think I'd have to put on the WhatsApp group "we'll see you at X for Xs birthday next week, enjoy the rest of your trip". And then mute the group till you get home. But I can be blunt!
Do not allow your husband to keep them happy at your expense. This is your holiday too.

Did DH do everything with his grandparents as well as his parents when he was a child?

What did you DH say to them? This may be a good thing because at least they know you are upset now. The ball is in their court to apologise

I feel how frustrating this can be. I have overbearing in-laws too. Space is the best medicine. First stop second guessing yourself and checking to see if you are being fair to anyone. You are. You are normal and you are not crazy to be feeling the way you are feeling. It’s a suffocating situation and it’s ok to want out. Next is you are not being unreasonable at all but DH was very unreasonable to throw you under the bus like that. At this stage it may be difficult to stop the BS but you can find solace in doing more of things you enjoy. As everyone is being ‘nice’, nicely extricate yourself from any situation that you feel you may not like. Spend reasonable time with them but take time for yourself when you need to and don’t feel guilty about it. DH and DC’s will come round eventually. This is what I did. It starts with you deciding what you want for you. You can’t control their holiday time, but you can control yours. Little boundaries here and there. Be very sweet about it. Everyone will be ok eventually. If you continue this way, YOU will not be ok.

He clearly doesn't want to keep everyone happy.

You're his wife, you're not happy. He wants to keep his parents happy.

I've been in this situation and I've reminded him that I'm absolutely not happy with the dynamic. And I'm capable of removing myself if I wish.

I wouldn't leave the WhatsApp group - but if you mute it, you'll still get the messages, you just won't get the notifications of the messages. If you decide to read them or not, is entirely up to you but they don't get to see that "@ineedsomemoremetime has left the group" on their screens.

As you've raised it now a few times with your DH, I'd leave it for the next few days and see what happens. I don't think you'll achieve anything more immediately anyway.

Give yourselves a few days to see what happens next. If you're stronger together, you can get through this, set up reasonable boundaries that won't be trampled on and, all going well, be able to have some sort of respectful relationship with the inlaws going forwards.

I suspect the parents (who are clearly not great at reading boundaries), who have only had the dh's watered down explanation, really have no idea aboout how angry you are @ineedsomemoremetime , and just how much they have upset you.

Use the WhatsApp group / the messages about future plans to make it clear.

I'd put something like 'I am so angry at the moment about the fact that you have followed us on holiday and intruded into the little family time we have just the four of us that I can't respond to any more messages here, so am going to leave the group.

I do think they need to get some perception of just how (rightly) angry you are, from you, as your dh won't say that at all, and anything he does say will be filtered, or watered down.

Your DH needs to grow a pair. He’s not their child any more and needs to loosen those apron strings! I sat this as a MiL

This sounds suffocating, even if they are generally nice kind people it is too much.
They are basically in your life living it with you and probably see you and the children as the extension of their only child and obsession.
You will need to be serious with DH about how unhappy it is making you.
Doesn't need ugly confrontation you just refuse some meet ups and birthdays with plausible reasons and just don't interact as much on the chat.
Don't tell them as much about your life and plans.
Just slow it all down. Meet up for DH's birthday by all means but for yours and the kids don't always be available. I'm not saying they don't see them or drop in with a present but it sounds like a mini christmas event every birthday.
We had a similar holiday hi-jack once when in laws said they would join us for a few days in a cottage near where we were camping (few days lovely) and they booked the whole week and so it basically became a joint holiday.

I get what your saying op and you are not being unreasonable. Its kind of embarrassing on their behalf that they cant see what they are doing is awkward! All you can do is not be so open with them about where you are going, or tell them your holidaying in one area, eg scotland and go off on your actual holiday. I understand what your saying about the “holiday is not yours anymore”. Id be really annoyed too. If they ask about why you werent there next time you see them, tell them the truth. Its overstepping the boundaries.

Couldn't agree more!

Going from seeing them frequently, and going away with them (deliberately), to contacting a lawyer, leaving her husband or banning the in laws from thr house permanently, isn't just the nuclear option, its batshit.

Seeing then for birthdays IS normal. Secretly joining in their holiday isn't, but is easily avoidable.

What I don't get from the OPs posts is a indication of how often they are around normally. If it's multiple times a week, and expecting the OP to fully engage with that - too much. If its a few times a month then thats normal surely?

It also didn't sound like the OP has gently tried to put boundaries in place/expressed any dissatisfaction to her in laws. It may be that a bit of gentle backing off will give the OP enough space. Equally it's ok to say that 'We're going out for a little family dinner, just the 4 of us'. It's certainly possible to put in some boundaries, so you don't have to spend as much time with them, whilst not impeding the time the rest of your family spends with them, which they clearly enjoy.

You need to sit them down and in as loving way as possible, set boundaries and explain that there's going to be small changes in the future.

'They are almost 'elderly' now though and DH now refers to 'we may not have them for much longer'. Good genes run in his family though and I can't live with that mentality. Could go on for another 10+ years and by then the children will be adults.'

The well off older people I know are pretty sprightly in their late 80s and beyond. This makes me feel quite angry on your behalf, what's the plan? Spend every family occasion with them for the next twenty years and then take over caring for them?

You are really not in the wrong here at all and I would start with sending DH and the children if they want to go to whatever the next occasion is. I stopped going to my in laws every time DH went once my children weren't small. I liked them very much but they weren't my parents and DH was more than capable of parenting without me there.

@InBedBy10
We must be reading different OP threads. Nowhere have I read that the OP wants her DH to see his parents less 🤷‍♀️
DH can do as he likes but doesn't have to involve OP.

They were out of order gate crashing your family holiday. A conversation needs to be had about boundaries.

However, I find some of these posts encouraging you to leave your husband and break up your family, a ridiculous over reaction.

I find alot of people on mumsnet think once you're an adult you should have nothing to do with your family (parents/siblings). Grand parents celebrating a grandchild's birthday is perfectly reasonable. And I do wonder if your own parents were still alive would you have a problem with them being around? Probably not.

Demanding your husband see his parents less or you'll divorce him is controlling and abusive. However there is a compromise that could happen. Suggest he see them on X day every week/month and he can bring the children with him. That way they get their time together and you can have a break.

Hes entitled to have a relationship with his parents and youre entitled to keep your distance. You have to find a middle ground otherwise he will end up resenting you, just like you resent him now.

To be honest OP I would go nuclear. Discuss Booking an appointment with a lawyer for when you return. Or counselling to help DH stand up to them.

i would write a list of what I could deal with. Give it to DH and say it is this or divorce.

tell him to stuff his’ won’t have them forever’ bullshit. You could
be hit by a bus tomorrow.

enjoy life - it is later than you think.

they are using you to live their lives again.

and start selling the gifts or give to a charity shop yhay they don’t support

Archive the whatsapp chat, and book your next holiday saying you're going to Madrid. But book yours in Madeira..

I can't believe they're messaging about future plans. Do they not realise they've overstepped with the holiday? I'd probably blow up at them but I don't think that's necessarily the smart thing to do... I'm angry for you OP

I agree that the best option is to go nuclear and tear off the band-aid. Unfortunately you will have to go through the tears and anger and upset to get to the other side of this.

The alternative is the mute the chat group and stop responding and let your DH deal with them but be firm to him about what you will and will not allow.

My view is the longer this continues to happen, the more time you lose to be yourself with your core family and the more the resentment will build. Unfortunately your DH is I willing to stand up to his parents and priorities keeping them happy.

This happens in a family with a patriarch usually the mother and the adult son is unable to stand up to her or push back. Deep down he probably knows what's going on is wrong but he is so used to it and is able to stand up to her that he would rather upset you than his mother.

Goodluck, you really need it.

Agree with going nuclear. It's the best way to get their attention that you are serious. Leave the WhatsApp group. Refuse all apologies, gifts, tears etc until there is an understanding that this level of enmeshment is unhealthy for everyone and especially your marriage.