In-laws holidaying close by

I had overbearing now ex in laws, Fil was in his forties when he had children and had brought his kids up on his own as his wife did a bunk when the kids were small. He couldn’t handle it when his kids became adults and moved away but when I and sil was were both pregnant with our first children he retired and moved to be closer to us all. He made his life all about the gc, his daughter loved it but I felt stifled and it cause no end of problems between us all.

When my daughters gave birth to their own dc I had expectations I would be invited to both births and got told firmly it wasn’t going to happen. I admit I was and did feel disappointed but it was how they wanted it and I respected their boundaries. I wasn’t the one giving birth and it was an intimate moment for them and partner's. Had I railed against it I would have caused unnecessary stress and resentment for them but they are not me they are their own persons.

I would tell Mil how much you love both her and Fil but you need space as a family to go on holiday etc without them. Like me they have the choice to accept it or rail against it and cause problems, they have to step back and respect you and dh’s right to time with your children alone.

There is nothing precious about choosing who you want to spend your spare time with @Noononoo. Or in finding it really upsetting and creepy when your holiday gets hijacked. And there is nothing lucky about people trying to impose a life you don't want on you. I wouldn't feel lucky if I felt suffocated like this.
If you want that big emeshed family life then you embrace that, OP doesn't and that's completely fine.

I think you are being precious. Be grateful. Imagine you are in an Italian or Greek family where this would be welcomed. Wives tend to be so possessive nowadays. Extended families are good. Change your mindset. And it’s good for your kids. You are all very lucky.

You’re mature now. Why can’t you say yes to the things you want to do with ils and no to the things you don’t. Look them in the eye and tell them your holiday is private and they are not to show up. You’ll tell them all about it when you get back from your vacation. When they visit, show them to the door when it’s time for them to leave and remind them that you have work tomorrow. Tell them you would prefer not to spoil the children with so many gifts that they haven’t earned. You’re trying to build character. Be more direct, with a smile. They’re not babies and they’re not fragile, your in-laws that is. They just like having their own way. They got to raise their one child, now you get to raise yours. Good luck to you!

@ineedsomemoremetime you are generously trying to keep finding a reason as to why they may have showed up. Seems very clear to anyone who is being objective that as people who have money to spend on travelling that they could have chosen ANYWHERE in the world to be on holiday, but they picked the one place that you were with your family and showed up at a local attraction that had been mentioned in passing?

They are either kinda creepy with no sense of boundaries… Or, could your DH have casually suggested to them that they could rock up?

Just to add ... now my PIL are no longer suffocating me, my relationship with DH's siblings has normalised. I will even take the DC to visit them when he is not around, and I will enjoy their company. I will go out with SIL on my own and enjoy time with her. That wasn't possible when his parents were dominating, controlling, guilt tripping and just being a total bloody nightmare.

DH is a pacifist and will do anything to avoid confrontation.
DH cares more about his mother's feelings than he does about yours.

Fixed it for you @ineedsomemoremetime

Until you have a serious chat with him, you won't know if the marriage is salvageable.

Do not allow whichever of them needs care to move close to you, unless your dh is prepared to take on their care. It is not your responsibility. Having been through this myself it was absolute misery. I had two children at school, my daughter’s horse to be dealt with daily, a full time job, and my mil expected me to do her shopping, take her to appointments and entertain her. Did not happen, H worked long hours with an hours commute each way and would see her at weekends for a quick visit. It was so tough, but we stayed strong and supported each other. I hope it works out for you.

I was in this situation with my DH's parents. It was soooo suffocating and DP (now my DH) was incapable of standing up to them. Like you, I was expected to spend my birthdays with them. DP's sisters would harass him if we hadn't seen his parents recently (no doubt because his parents complained to them).

It got to the point I stopped answering the phone because I couldn't cope with having to come up with on the hoof excuses for the next 'family' get together. 29 years later I still don't answer the phone.

But it came to a head when my parents came to visit me (from another country) and my DF was in very low spirits. DP's parents phoned every single day badgering to meet up with them - getting angry with DP. DP and I were just boyfriend and girlfriend then - and my parents found the whole thing weird and too much. But my whole family tolerated an awkward get together that none of us wanted to be at because DP was so incapable of dealing with it and so obviously miserable.

I absolutely lost it. I realised DP was incapable of being sensible about it so I said I would only l, from then on, see his parents once every two months, and the rest of the visits were his burden alone. Never ever would I spend my birthday with them again and I didn't care what he told them.

When DC came along, we spent their birthdays as our family unit, then had a second more casual get together for the rest of the family. I refused to see them until I was ready to after the DC were born. I told my DH I didn't want to know about their demands, or how they felt about my decisions . It was his problem to deal with and I insisted on being kept oblivious of it all. His family; his issue.

Honestly, if FIL hadn't died, and MIL didn't develop dementia, and the behaviour had continued, I'm not sure my marriage would have survived it. It is soooooo hard.

And, OP, if they had popped into a family holiday abroad, like yours had, I'd have gone crazy.

Get off the WhatsApp chat so you can't be involved in plans at all. That's DH's problem. Tell your DH the limits of the time you will share with them, then he deals with it. Tell him you're not interested in the politics it might generate. Again, his problem. Warn him if he 'blames' you then it will create even bigger issues in the family that will make things worse and which HE will have to fix. By himself. Set your boundaries and stick to them.

You married your DH. You did not marry his parents. He might not mind them around but you do - whether he thinks that's unreasonable or not is completely irrelevant. If he wants to spend all his time with his parents, let him, but make sure he understands that could impact n your marriage. His choice. The alternative is he is asking you to accept something that is making you stressed and miserable - I.e. putting their unreasonable demands ahead of your mental health. That is not OK.

It sounds like this little stalking venture is your watershed moment. Ask your DH to read this thread. It is possible he is clueless about the level of damage being done, by you being denied space to breathe and live life privately and on your own terms.

Good luck. I know how horrendous it is. But you are not a mean person for feeling this way. No matter how nice they are, they cannot relentlessly piggyback on your life without it at some point becoming too much to cope with. Your DH needs to know this.

When we were first married, in-laws, plus childless aunt and uncle, turned up on our doorstep, an hour away from their home. H had gone to football. They stayed until he got back. Following week, same thing happened. Third week I was putting my coat on when they knocked, and said sorry it’s inconvenient, I’m off out. Carried on doing that every time they turned up unannounced. Took about two months for the message to get through.

They were hugely miffed that I wouldn’t let them stay in the house to wait for H, or that they couldn’t come with me to wherever I was going. Just so entitled. Drove me insane.

Ah ok. So not daily etc then.

Most weeks sounds pretty normal (holiday gatecrashing aside).

Definitely try to put some boundary in place re holiday (just don't tell them or be vague), but the regular contact is pretty average.

If you don't mind sharing, how was that received when you did it?

Oh lord that brings back a horrendous memory of the first and LAST holiday with the in-laws. We were close to the beach and he didn’t like the waves. Told mil to not take him into the water, just let him watch and do it in his own time. Oh no she knew best, and took him into the sea. Never got him anywhere near the beach again for the rest of the holiday. They were lovely people but dh was an only, whereas I’m one of four, had to work hard to keep them away and not smothering us.

You need to have a conversation with your husband about boundaries to agree where to set them, then have the same conversation with the in-laws. For example his birthday yes if he wants it that way, yours no, theirs maybe. At least every other holiday without them and that means no randomly turning up uninvited. Point out that if they cannot follow boundaries like not turning up because they know you will be there, that your husband needs to make sure he doesn't tell them things as it's suffocating.

Umm I am very close to my mum and see her every week. It is very different when it’s choice and not being stalked on your little family holiday - which she would never!

I’d remind him that any of you could get ill or be hit by a bus any time. It’s not an excuse.

Literally everyone I know sees their parents at least once a week. Only on mumsnet this is seen as a problem 🙄but only if it's the in laws of course 😉

I do wonder how these key board warriors will feel when their children grow up and want nothing to do with them.

Like I said, they crossed the line gate crashing your holiday but it sounds like your DH made that clear and they're gone now. Enjoy the rest of your holiday and set boundaries when you get home. But remember, your DH is not wrong for wanting to have a close relationship with his parents.

I would begin to assert my boundaries (and their own expectations) by stealth. I would agree with DH for starters that having first had a conversation with them, he would in time be “taking me away” for my birthday/ and anniversary / and any other dates I wanted. Asking grandparents to have the children at their home / or your home if it suits.

I would be building on that and making more opportunities - “we are taking DS to a theme park as a secret birthday surprise weekend”. Not saying which one, as “we want it to be a secret” then taking DD away to some other “special weekend”….

DH can tell them later he is taking you away “for a surprise Christmas break” and so on.

Really feel for you, having lived through similar where doing something the once just created ongoing family expectations, and deep resentment that is hard to overcome.

You are definitely not being unreasonable, I can't even imagine how overwhelming it must feel. Your IL's gatecrashing your holiday is just so wrong.

You mentioned in one of your posts that your DH feels caught in the middle and just wants to make everyone happy. He can't. He has to decide whether to support his wife or continue to allow his parents to control him. There is no easy option for him so he needs to grow a pair and set some boundaries now.

I hope you managed to enjoy the remainder of your holiday 💐

So he threw you under the bus by blaming you as the one who is upset. Perfect.

How often do you see them aside from holidays?