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Original poster

To be so over my tight, selfish DH every birthday

307 replies

IAmMyUtterLackOfSurprise · 30/08/2024 22:15

I turned 57 yesterday. Birthday was a text from husband saying sorry for using last of milk, whoops happy birthday, kids up late, a card eventually. No card from DH, bottle of Lidl wine and a bunch of flowers. Booked dinner out for tonight but cancelled because DH work, rebooked for tomorrow, having had ‘well, I’m not bothered, but if YOU REALLY WANT TO’.

FB scrolling tonight I see a string quartet Coldplay concert by candlelight, not too far away, in an old priory, say ‘ooh, I’ve found a birthday pressy’ and his response was ‘hmph, not my sort of thing’..then ‘what, instead of dinner? What did you get me?’ (30 yr old scotch, dinner out with wine and a book actually’.

I fucking love Coldplay but will ever be able to afford to see them live, I thought this would be a lovely evening and cheapest tickets are £21 each.

Am I being stupid and unreasonable to just fucking want to be spoilt for one fucking birthday? My family have always been hard up so I’ve not had one birthday where it feels like a celebration.

I know this is first world problems, but am I being unreasonable to want to feel the centre of the world for ONE day?

OP posts:
tortiecat · 01/09/2024 20:19

IAmMyUtterLackOfSurprise · 01/09/2024 20:12

Thank you for all the lovely messages. I’m a long time mn-er and have seen some eye watering bun fights. But thank you, all of you, I can hear the roar 🦁 of the mn mind wishing me happy birthday.

A very lovely mn who lives fairly local to me has reached out to go to the concert together. This thread shows MN at its very best.

And I have told DH I am going, without him. He’s back-pedalling massively but I’m saying tough shit.

What a fabulous update.
Happy birthday to you and hope you and your fellow Coldplay MNetter fan thoroughly enjoy the concert.

Original poster
IAmMyUtterLackOfSurprise · 01/09/2024 20:12

Thank you for all the lovely messages. I’m a long time mn-er and have seen some eye watering bun fights. But thank you, all of you, I can hear the roar 🦁 of the mn mind wishing me happy birthday.

A very lovely mn who lives fairly local to me has reached out to go to the concert together. This thread shows MN at its very best.

And I have told DH I am going, without him. He’s back-pedalling massively but I’m saying tough shit.

OP posts:
Birdingbear · 01/09/2024 20:10

My husband is the same. For the last 8 years tho I've planned and booked my own day...treated myself to whatever I wanted. I mini break...a hotel for the night in a different city.....I've become not afraid to go alone and it's been better cause I have the peace to so it without the grumbling at every suggestion. Make next years birthday great, even if you plan it for you.

NannaKaren · 01/09/2024 20:05

doneandone · 30/08/2024 22:21

Yep, I'd do this too!
He's a selfish prick

Show quote history

Yes! I’d do that too !

xyz111 · 01/09/2024 20:03

Go to the concert. We went to a Film theme music orchestra in a cathedral which was great. It's just something a bit different but we enjoyed it. And the tickets are cheap, so who cares if you go and don't enjoy it. You still went! Would one of your children be interested if you don't want to go on your own?

VickyPollard25 · 01/09/2024 19:51

Treat yourself and take a friend! And if Jake every one of your birthdays a big deal going forward.

Gove your husband back exactly what he gives you.

BettyBardMacDonald · 01/09/2024 19:46

Go to the concert!!

MasterchefMeansRiceKrispiesFor · 01/09/2024 19:41

IAmMyUtterLackOfSurprise · 31/08/2024 12:01

Hi all, thanks for the supportive messages. He is a twat. A lot of the time, and I think once my kids are settled I will go it alone. Youngest starts uni in Sept, eldest is autistic and needs me as her life buddy!

We were going out for dinner, last night. As he had to go to work early (v early) I cancelled it as he would be knackered. Rebooked for tonight. (Me booking it, obvs). And using a 20% off offer! We aren’t hard up. He is tight, but not with himself. It’s a vile trait. He is not from the UK originally, and celebrations there are very different, but for goodness sake, why not put someone else first once a fucking year?!

I’m cancelling dinner tonight, no desire to be out with someone who isn’t there because they’re thinking of me. I’m going to take myself to the big shopping place near us and maybe have lunch. I haven’t really got friends as such. I’m chatty and confident at work but find people draining generally so don’t have close friends, or friends that aren’t tied up with their own families etc. I’m either rubbish at keeping in touch or reluctant to spend time with other people outside work.

i’m still pondering the Candlelight thing, when I watch Coldplay gigs on tv or listen to them while cooking I do get a bit loud and singy so not sure about the concert!

Thanks again. Xxxx

Just going to say- I love a concert on my own. I can enjoy it without feeling judged for my taste in music. Last one was a month ago, short notice, so, so worth it and I treated myself to dinner too. I vote do it. Take a book if you feel you might want a crutch, don’t feel you have to talk to anyone- but equally I end up chatting to all sorts of people. So enjoyable I actually think it’s the way forward for me. I hope you go for it. Xx

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 01/09/2024 19:09

Happy birthday 💜💜💐💐

WotsitsMadeIn1927 · 01/09/2024 19:09

What a selfish lazy git.

Sorry OP 💐
Seems to me if you want a nice birthday, do it yourself.
Book yourself that Coldplay ticket, Spa and dinner for one. Buy yourself some beautiful flowers and something nice that you’d really like. Do it in mind with everyone from mumsnet thinking of you 💜💐

BodyLamp · 01/09/2024 18:53

I am so pleased with these responses. I thought it might be one of those threads where people say that adults should not celebrate their birthdays.

I have celebrated every birthday whether it is my 27th or 53rd. It is about being valued by your partner. And he knows that you wanted something special but made zero effort.

You would be better off alone. You deserve far better. I can tell. And happy birthday!

Teddybear23 · 01/09/2024 18:46

I sympathise, my partner of 19 years is the same. It’s no different on big birthdays either☹️

J3001 · 01/09/2024 18:20

@IAmMyUtterLackOfSurprise yours sounds like mine and he's not from here but been here 25 yr go see coldplay im going to a queen one with my 19 yr old in october

FreddieMercurysCat · 01/09/2024 18:18

YANBU. My husband isn’t much different. What I do is do my own thing now. If I see something I get it, if there’s something I want to do, I do it. If there’s somewhere I want to go, I go. It’s very liberating :)

J3001 · 01/09/2024 18:15

@IAmMyUtterLackOfSurprise Mine was like this for birthdays , valentines, anniversary and xmas for 20 odd year seperated 3 yr best pressent ever kids are 24 and 19 and do get me birthday and xmas now im happy with a bar of choc and cheapish wine concert tickets go your self i always did he was never interested now my boys go with me , me and my 19 yr old are going to queen by candle light and the 3 of us are going to queen extraveganza next yr as for your Dh stop buying i did for mine he never apprecited it

Boysgrownbutstillathome · 01/09/2024 18:04

He's a narcissist like my husband. I have to organise my own birthday treats.

PotatoLove · 01/09/2024 17:41

He sounds like a selfìsh sod! Book yourself a ticket and go and enjoy yourself. Bollocks to his birthdays from now on!

Disturbia81 · 01/09/2024 12:23

@tuvamoodyson I thought the same but they were encouraging people to sing and join in at the one I went to.

tuvamoodyson · 01/09/2024 10:13

BusyMum47 · 31/08/2024 12:46

Go!! Take one of your children? Or go alone? Who cares if you sing loudly? Enjoy yourself. And ditch your arsehole husband.

Show quote history

Well, I’d imagine other concert goers might object to someone singing loudly along to a string quartet!

Itsallsostressful · 01/09/2024 10:00

OP go to the concert alone. It will be wonderful for you and you deserve it. I've been to the Fever Candlelight ones playing Fleetwood Mac Aretha Frankin and Queen and they were all brilliant xx

TimeForTeaAndG · 01/09/2024 09:49

Fraaahnces · 01/09/2024 02:03

Actually it’s not necessarily appropriate to sing along to a string quartet unless they request it. If you do, the other customers might complain and you may be asked to leave.

Came to say the same thing.
Singing along to radio or filmed concerts by yourself isn't the same atmosphere as sitting in an orchestra concert. Noone else will be singing in the audience, that doesn't mean you won't enjoy it. It's just a different experience.

I hope you have booked the ticket, OP.

Nat6999 · 01/09/2024 04:01

Book yourself a ticket, give yourself a makeover & buy a new outfit & go to the concert. Hopefully, you will meet someone there who will value you & treat you properly. Your dh sounds like a misery & would be the first one to moan if you didn't treat him on his birthday. I would be looking at binning him off asap.

Fraaahnces · 01/09/2024 02:03

Actually it’s not necessarily appropriate to sing along to a string quartet unless they request it. If you do, the other customers might complain and you may be asked to leave.

BusyMum47 · 31/08/2024 12:46

IAmMyUtterLackOfSurprise · 31/08/2024 12:01

Hi all, thanks for the supportive messages. He is a twat. A lot of the time, and I think once my kids are settled I will go it alone. Youngest starts uni in Sept, eldest is autistic and needs me as her life buddy!

We were going out for dinner, last night. As he had to go to work early (v early) I cancelled it as he would be knackered. Rebooked for tonight. (Me booking it, obvs). And using a 20% off offer! We aren’t hard up. He is tight, but not with himself. It’s a vile trait. He is not from the UK originally, and celebrations there are very different, but for goodness sake, why not put someone else first once a fucking year?!

I’m cancelling dinner tonight, no desire to be out with someone who isn’t there because they’re thinking of me. I’m going to take myself to the big shopping place near us and maybe have lunch. I haven’t really got friends as such. I’m chatty and confident at work but find people draining generally so don’t have close friends, or friends that aren’t tied up with their own families etc. I’m either rubbish at keeping in touch or reluctant to spend time with other people outside work.

i’m still pondering the Candlelight thing, when I watch Coldplay gigs on tv or listen to them while cooking I do get a bit loud and singy so not sure about the concert!

Thanks again. Xxxx

Go!! Take one of your children? Or go alone? Who cares if you sing loudly? Enjoy yourself. And ditch your arsehole husband.

KateMiskin · 31/08/2024 12:45

Make some friends. They can't possibly be as draining or as dull as your DH.

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