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Original poster

To be confused by friends husband reaction?

82 replies

ArseyVarsey · 29/08/2024 22:01

I’ve been friends with my pal for nearly 25 years.
We’ve socialised over the years with both our families, including the husbands for the odd day out, park trips, dinner or lunch out as the kids grew up. No issues over the years between the families. My friend does a lot at home, as well as works, does all the house work, cleaning, cooking, gardening, and did all the childcare when the kids grew up. Her kids don’t have much of a relationship with the husband. He doesn’t socialise any more, just goes to work and is miserable at home.
We decided to book a little break away for 3 nights together, just my friend and I, to go walking in the Yorkshire Dales, in a cottage.
We went away 5 years ago, and had a brilliant time.
Before the pandemic, my friend and her family got a border collie (relevant) because they thought he was cute and be ‘therapeutic’ for the family, as friend was struggling with anxiety and one of the children (teen) was struggling with confidence.
The novelty wore off, the husband and teens do absolutely nothing with dog, even though it was a family decision. The husband swears and shouts at the dog.
My friend gets very stressed with the dog, they have a small back garden and there have been complaints from neighbours over the barking. They employed the services of a dog walker, who said she wouldn’t take him out again because of how difficult the dog was.
When my friend and hubby went away last year, I helped look after the dog with one of the teens, and the dog was great.,
My friend told her husband that we were planning to go away in a few months time, for the 3 nights, and he went ballistic.
He said he wouldn’t look after the dog and has been stonewalling my friend ever since.
He has been refusing to sit and eat with her and the rest of the family, won’t talk, sits elsewhere in the house,,so she apologised profusely to him to get him out of this situation.
He refuses point blank to talk.
So she came round and asked to cancel the trip away as her life is being made hell, and she was becoming ill with the atmosphere.
I was concerned that she asked to do this, but she said she needed to keep the peace at home.
I asked about the possibility of the dog in kennels for the 3 days, but my friend said it was best to cancel the holiday.
Well done for reading this far……
Why is he stonewalling her?
What can I do to help in this situation?

OP posts:
RogueFemale · 30/08/2024 00:24

IReallyCouldntThinkOfAUsername · 29/08/2024 22:20

They need to rehome the dog to a loving home, and she needs to rehome the husband to anywhere but her home.

This.

They're not fit to care for the dog. The problem is them, not the dog. (And I say this as a cat lady, not hugely keen on dogs).

Ottersmith · 30/08/2024 00:17

She's in a relationship that's abusive. Controlling other people's behaviour with your moods is abusive. He sounds like a prick. Maybe take her out for a spa day instead or something and try to gently tell her she would be better off without him. The mortgage is paid off so she can but a smaller flat and she's used to doing all the work anyway so when would be way happier. Honestly she needs to leave him.

Original poster
ArseyVarsey · 29/08/2024 23:52

@Nocameltoeleggingsplease afraid not. Both my husband and son work full time, another son works abroad, plus we help look after an elderly relative daily too, on top of my work commitments.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2024 23:52

If she's as dear of a friend as you say she is, you will tell her the truth. She is in an abusive marriage, her husband is horrible, and she should seriously consider divorcing him. You will be by her side 100% for moral and practical support. She has one precious life, she shouldn't be wasting it on him.

dadtired · 29/08/2024 23:51

ArseyVarsey · 29/08/2024 22:36

@Bathwoodnurse in her words she “thought he looked cute”. I can see very clearly it’s the wrong breed. For the garden and house they have, and the sheer amount of work the dog needs, the stimulation, etc.

I bet the husband "looked cute" once upon a time.

That wasn't a great decison either.

Original poster
ArseyVarsey · 29/08/2024 23:50

@6pence i know it’s her decision, and I respect her enough not to tell her what to do. I wouldn’t point out flaws in their relationship, that’s a step too far. She’s not a confident person, but my god, when we get together we laugh until we cry, we do the stupidest things, and we love being out in nature with the dog (as long as there’s no other animals for him to fall out with …..)

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Original poster
ArseyVarsey · 29/08/2024 23:46

@ScaredAndPanicky oh my, what a time you’ve been through. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with that.
We have a lot of trust between us, I should have realised just because her children are grown up she wouldn’t be able to come away with me for a few days.
I know it’s not a normal reaction, I have asked if her husband wasn’t able to talk about big feelings , etc when he grew up, or if it was fear he was feeling. I am angry at him, but I am trying to work out what is going on with him to behave in such a manner. My friend doesn’t ask for the moon. Only a bit of relaxation.

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6pence · 29/08/2024 23:43

Well it’s up to her whether the holiday sacrifice is worth keeping the peace for. You can point out the obvious re the dog, and his attitude towards their relationship but at the end of the day it’s her decision. You can’t drive her to leave him but you can offer to support her whatever decision she makes, after you’ve tactfully pointed out the obvious flaws in their relationship. You have to be careful about shooting the messenger though.

I know it’s frustrating but you’ve got to follow her lead.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 29/08/2024 23:42

IReallyCouldntThinkOfAUsername · 29/08/2024 22:20

They need to rehome the dog to a loving home, and she needs to rehome the husband to anywhere but her home.

👏 👏 Well said.

ScaredAndPanicky · 29/08/2024 23:39

My STBXH used to do that at the drop of a hat. I assumed it was normal. It was when he started doing it to the kids when they upset him and someone said that it was abusive that I finally started to realise it wasn't normal.
He would let the smallest thing upset him, and then he could blank me for weeks, or smash things up and then blank me for weeks. I would do anything to keep the peace as I couldn't bear living in that void of nothingness. I wouldn't even have dreamt about going away with a friend for a few days as it was bad enough going away with work.
Start dropping hints to your friend that his behaviour is not normal.

Nocameltoeleggingsplease · 29/08/2024 23:38

It’s a big ask but could your family have the dog while you’re both away?

Original poster
ArseyVarsey · 29/08/2024 23:30

@Runnerinthenight indeed the husband and the rest of the family didn’t keep up their side of the deal……

OP posts:
Runnerinthenight · 29/08/2024 23:24

God love her, he sounds horrible - I can't stand people who take on a pet and renege on the commitment! I have three rescue cats - one hates the other two and they have to be kept apart, one shits on his long fur and needs cleaned plus has eye and ear issues from having cat flu as a kitten apparently, and all three of them have the house wrecked between them, but I love them to bits and they are spoilt rotten! I can't see the point in having a pet if you don't.

Original poster
ArseyVarsey · 29/08/2024 23:21

@Runnerinthenight funnily enough, my friend said if she ever won the lottery, she’d move to a house in the country, with acres of fields for the dog to run free……but not necessarily the husband…….

OP posts:
Runnerinthenight · 29/08/2024 23:19

Keep the dog and get rid of the husband.

Original poster
ArseyVarsey · 29/08/2024 23:18

@Mumofoneandone sadly I think there’s something not right either.

We do manage lunches out which include the dog, very long walks in the hills and by the sea too.

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Mumofoneandone · 29/08/2024 23:15

Clearly things are not right in your friends home, but sadly she has to work that out from herself.
Whilst the holiday has to be postponed, could you possibly have some walking days with her in the meantime?
A sort of split the difference?!

Original poster
ArseyVarsey · 29/08/2024 23:15

@Biggaybear i agree with many points you bring up. Yes, I get on very well with the dog.
It was my friend that said she didn’t want take the dog on the trip, as she wanted a break, as she is the only one who looks after him.
So yes, it makes total sense the husband wouldn’t want anything to do with looking after the dog. He abdicated from his responsibilities once the dog arrived, it was his suggestion to get the dog (we all know how wrong it was…..and I wasn’t going to interfere and talk them out of it) But his stonewalling is a big issue here too.

OP posts:
Biggaybear · 29/08/2024 23:09

Farmwifefarmlife · 29/08/2024 22:08

Can you take the dog with you? Especially if a walking holiday?

This.

Why did your friend ask her husband to effectively dog sit ? He doesn't usually have anything to do with it so why would he want to look after it for 3 days whilst his wife was away. Bonkers idea.

Not saying going silent her since is ok, but surely she knew he wouldn't be happy.

Also you seem to get on well with the dog so win/win I would have thought.

Tartantotty · 29/08/2024 23:08

Poor dog. Some folk just shouldn't have animals. He/she should be rehomed. Friend's husband an arsehole - she should get rid of him too,

SmallestMan · 29/08/2024 23:08

I feel so sorry for this dog. It sounds unwanted and unloved and is picking up on this. The poor thing deserves a better quality of life than this. They both sound like selfish and poor owners who didn’t think the responsibility though at all and now typically the dog is suffering.

Original poster
ArseyVarsey · 29/08/2024 23:07

@Stealthmodemama not rehired……rehomed!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
ArseyVarsey · 29/08/2024 23:06

@Stealthmodemama totally agree the dog needs to be rehired, and have suggested this to friend.
The husband refuses to go to a doctor.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArseyVarsey · 29/08/2024 23:05

@MerryTraveller as I said earlier. Friend wanted time away; she is stressed by the dog. She wanted total relaxation. She’s running herself into the ground. And the accommodation booked didn’t take pets.

OP posts: