To find this disrespectful?

It sounds like the OP's doing everything. Aside from the husband, why aren't the kids contributing? They're old enough, and should know how to run a dishwasher and a washing machine at the very least.

Of course it's not reasonable for someone to expect the other person to take over all household responsibilities. He still has after work and weekends as free time. The person at home should take over more, but if you have days when you're out all day, then the stuff that needs doing that day should be split in the evenings - cooking, washing, dishes etc. Also, you have four children who are of the age to help with stuff too, so give them some jobs to do too. There are six people in the house, not just you.

I work part time so have some free time in the day to get jobs done. In the holidays dh does more because I have dc all day!

He's being unfair.

The point you make back is you being off work doesn’t make him single nor does it mean he’s not a dad, and you will be having a much bigger conversation if he wants to behave like either of those are true in the holidays. Set days he cooks dinner, days he cleans up dinner, days he manages homework etc and you can agree you will look after the kids from 9-5 every single day in the holidays. Otherwise he can ditch you but not the kids and you will divvy up the holidays and he will have to take some leave to look after them.

DH needs task he’s responsible for no matter what your schedule is. For example, load and empty dishwasher, run the vacuum, fold laundry, etc. You’re not a work mule! Make him pull his weight! You deserve down time the same as him.

I work in a school, DH works fulltime. During term time we share housework - and are very much an equal team. (Don’t get me wrong - I often have to say things like “could you take some of those clothes up next time you go upstairs” or “can you grab the sheets off the bed while I hang this load out” as he wouldn’t think to do it himself - although he is getting better!!)
In school holidays I do much more of the cleaning, wouldn’t occur to me to assume he was going to still do half. He still does his share at weekends and will help tidy up after tea.
There have been days he’s taken leftover annual leave during term time and I’ve come home to a tidy house.
Surely house work is shared equally if both people are at work full time, and shared proportionally if one works longer hours than the other/one person isn’t at work?

DH and I used to argue a lot about this kind of thing.

I said do your share of cleaning or contribute to a cleaning service. He chose cleaning service.

He wouldn't leave washing in for 2 days.

But if I want the sheets changed I have to strip the bed and leave it. Nothing else works.

It's invisible labour and setting a bad example to your children!

He made an assumption which had a big impact on you without telling you he had made it. The two of you talked, he explained what he had assumed and why, you explained that he had assumed incorrectly and his way didn't;t work for you. Is he now doing his share of the work? Will he continue to do so, and next time talk to you first if he wants you to pick up all or part of his share at a specific time? If not, there's a problem.

As for whether it's disrespectful, maybe not if he also automatically does all of the household work whenever he's on leave/has time off and you're working. But communication is key so you each have input and each know what's going to happen and work together to keep things running smoothly.

I also work term time and am off for 8 weeks in Summer, also 3 DC at home. I honestly wouldn't expect DH to do the hoovering but I would expect him to hang out wet laundry if I'm gone for the day with kids. I'd have to ask though. He switches off household stuff during the summer. He just helps tidy up after meals.

My rule of thumb with DH is I don't expect him to do housework but he cannot generate housework either. I will not go around picking up after him or tidying up after his meals etc.

The biggest issue really is getting kids to do chores, they seem to think they can switch off because I'm home. It stresses me out. I have to ask and remind and argue and refuse lifts etc to get them to do things and DH never gets involved or pulls them up on it. Life would be easier if I was everyone's servant but I refuse to be and will not raise my family like that so this is often perceived as me being difficult.

I also do one off jobs during summer, repainting or decluttering deep cleaning etc. Dh helps a bit but the main workload falls to me. I think our arrangement works well tbh.

OP you need to talk to your husband and not bottle it up. Schools have been off for about six weeks and you’re only now raising it.

I would expect to do the bulk while I was off work so his assumption wasn’t unreasonable. However when you have a particularly busy two days it’s easy to say “can you put the washing out/ unload the dishwasher/ throw some dinner together as I’m not going to be back until late”.

Your children are all of an age where they should be pitching in with age appropriate tasks at the end of the day, they are not small children any longer.

You both just need to sit down and communicate TBH. Draw up a rota for the whole family and have a discussion about what happens when one of you is not working and the other is. Get it all down and sorted.

Nobody likes the grind of chores, but they are necessary for a well functioning home and everyone in that home should contribute including the children and young adults. If someone has less external responsibilities then, yes, I would anticipate them picking up a little more of the load.

Other option for your DH is to pay someone to take on his share if he doesn’t want to do it himself!

I haven’t RTFT, but it seems to me that if he is expecting you to do all the housework in your holidays, then he is really the only one getting a break.

If you’re just as busy doing all the housework while he gets to have a lot more free time, then that isn’t fair.

It seems to me that you should both share the benefit of your holiday. Which means yes, you do more than you usually do, but he does a share too. That way, you both get some extra downtime, not just him!

You are doing too much for everyone. Why are you doing school runs and spend whole days at your kids activities plus volunteering for residential trips? Your kids and husband need to take on certain tasks but I think you are all just so used to you being a sahm that they have forgotten or never learnt how to contribute to the running of a household. Sit them all down and together makes a list chores each person is responsible for and don’t take on the majority yourself.

I would expect the parent at home like this to do the vast majority though the other parent to chip in.

As your children are secondary school age what are they doing? If you are by any chance the kind of Mum who is still doing everything for them you are setting them up to be useless. I saw the outcome of this when my students turned up not knowing how to function like an adult.

I do think you should be doing the vast majority if you're off work, especially as you say you took this job because it fit around your family better.

I'll be honest, if my DH was off work and still expected me to hoover etc. I don't think I'd be particularly impressed 🤷‍♀️

I work termtime and have teenagers. In the holidays I do the vast majority of the household stuff. It only seems fair if he's at work all day and I'm not.

However dh will still do bits such as washing up and if he sees laundry needs doing he'll stick a load on. I don't expect him to do as much as me while I'm at home though. And yes, when he's on annual leave he picks up the majority of the housework.

I’d be really annoyed. The point of marriage, to me, is to enhance the other’s life, not to try to offload as much work as possible on to her/him. I’d look for a year-round job that affords flexibility for me for gym and lunches and perhaps sadly shifts school run on to him. You should be able to continue in your current job while being supported and respected by your husband, but we can’t change others, only ourselves.

I’m surprised at people thinking you should spring into solo housewifely action come each school holiday: your term times sound very full on. And the notion that you should notice sooner that he’s leaving washing to moulder and should have asked him - politely, gently, no doubt - to please sort it out? Sod that. Who does he think he is?

When you are on a residential then all the work falls to him, while he's working ft too. Yes, it's not a holiday for you, but it does impact him.

I think you should be doing the majority, but he could do a few things. Dh has always emptied the dishwasher, for example, whether I've been working or not.
But you wouldn't be expecting 50/50 which may be the impression he's got.

What do your children do around the house to help as well? You said all the housework falls to you as husband refuses to do it but your children are more than capable of doing stuff.

And you need a conversation about how to split tasks between you. It's likely during school holidays you will do more because you're not working and have more time but he still needs to step up and do the basics.

When he is on annual leave, does he do everything? When does the OP get actual holiday if the minute she's off she's the house slave? What the op describes is a grown adult not doing the basic tasks of adulting...who really walks past wet washing for two days and deliberately thinks "that's not my job"? Dick.

I'd go back full time all year round

I would say that in periods when you aren’t working and he is, then you should be picking up the majority of household tasks but he can’t just stop everything.

I do think while you are off the bulk of tasks should fall to you however he can’t just abandon all and any responsibility. This is where you need to discuss and agree who does what during your time in/out of work so there are clear expectations. After the washing was left in the machine the first day why didn’t you say…hey, I’m out again all day today with DC, can you make sure the washing is hung up while I’m gone and I’ll sort the dinner for us all? Or whatever would work in your situation.

Assuming that you haven’t already done this, I think you need to have a chat about the expectations you have for each other and how your working hours fit into this. Sometimes it’s easy to get annoyed at someone not fitting into the role we expect of them despite not that clear.

Then maybe you need to do less in your time off.

If the current set up means all household tasks fall to you then it is also up to you to use your holiday time wisely and not tire yourself out.

But it sounds like you haven’t had a proper conversation with him about how the house tasks should be split.