Are all mums like this?

No. My mum is not like this at all.

I'm sorry you are treated like this.

No absolutely not. My mum, deceased, had plenty of faults but she would not have dreamed of asking me about my diet or weight.

To be honest I have total contempt for women who project weight anxiety onto their daughters. I think it’s one of the most toxic legacies a mother can leave.

Its her, not you.

Sorry OP. Yes some similarities with my DM she definitely uses guilt as a weapon to control. She doesn’t complain about my weight or presentation but she could do.

She occasionally pays me a back handed complement about an item of clothing saying she likes it, it suits me. Then sucks me in and asks have I just got it (shouldn’t be treating myself although we never complain about money but you can see her making a mental note) and then she asks where its from (so she can say never heard of it or say I probably wouldn’t pay that much for it (even though she is much better off than us), or it probably wouldn’t fit me it would be too big on me (as she is a much smaller slimmer build than me so she gets a dig in). When I say they have other sizes shall I try and get you one she just dismisses it and me.

Mine makes out to others she is this lovely loving caring kind old lady. But she makes comparisons and plays us siblings and her GC off against each other. Tries to get everyone to do more by telling each of us things like I had a lovely afternoon with Y they took me here. But if you take her to a cafe she moans about the prices and the quality even though 9 times out of 10 she isn’t paying one of us is!! Or X visited for such and such a length of time because she understands (another example of digs). Asks what did you do at the weekend (dig you never visited me) but would like to know what you dared do rather than spend time with me (even though she has repeatedly ignored my calls, said she was busy with other family X and Y etc). So I am only worthy of visiting her if she hasn’t got a better offer. If I offer to invite her somewhere she will say I’ll let you know, I’ll decide nearer the time and on the day she’ll say she’ll just leave it thank you or she won’t bother (even though I am putting myself out and making myself available). I am still visiting but much more reduced and on my terms (rather than trying to compete) and get involed in silly games. Her DF behaved very similarly.

Yep...this could have written about my mum, mines been dead 5 years and I don't miss her, I've never cried because all I can remember are very painful memories and even my children have said they don't have very good memories of her, however I used this to make me a good mum and I do have a close relationship with my own children. I do think some people just shouldn't have children and my mum was one of them

My mum is inexplicably needy. She comes across as very well meaning but is quite overwhelming and, I have to say, I'm glad that I live a good way away from her as an adult.

My mum isn’t like yours, but she has narcissistic traits which come out in other ways. I don’t think it’s normal for mums to be like this. I moved away which helped immensely, then I had children which softened her a bit for a while and I appreciated how much she cared for them, then I realised a couple of years ago that she’s neurodivergent which was incredibly healing for me.

Not my mum but my dad.

This. There are so many posts about what our mother's made us. I don't want to derogate them but it is also worth considering what our parents' parents made them. Your mother is an individual. There isn't some sort of 'mother' group think. No other mother will be like yours.

My father had problems dealing with family life and kids. Yes it affected me. I could blame him but his mother died when he was 10, it was never explained to him what happened (1940s) he was then farmed out to various relatives who didn't really want him because his father was 'too busy'. He never had a family until he met my mum. Amongst my friends there are lots of tales like this.

Your mum isn't 'all mothers'. If you are interested in why she is the way she is maybe you could find out more. If not, then just accept that and move on.

Me & my mum have a good laugh, and we’re good friends but nobody can give me the side-eye like her! Or a back-handed compliment. But she’s kind & loving, and always there for me. So none of it is intentionally bad. I’ve said & done things to her too… We get each other, which is the glue for us!

unless I can date someone who will enhance the family

Um what? I mean the rest of it is out of order too, but that’s just bananas. It sounds like she doesn’t see you as an adult who is a separate person from her. Who you date has nothing to do with enhancing her family!

I don’t think all mums have this behaviour, but it is common and mine is like it too. The weight comments, the intrusiveness, the crying and manipulation etc, and the horrible guilt and feeling of obligation. I hit a wall with it in my mid 40s and suddenly though, why am I so scared to stand up to her in case it hurts her feelings, when she doesn’t mind hurting my feelings at all?

I started just pulling her up on every mean or overstepping comment or unreasonable behaviour - calmly and like it was obvious. So for example she’d tell me I looked pregnant (as a way of saying I looked fat) and instead of feeling shame and misery I just said, “that’s really rude, you must know you don’t say that to people, in case they’re not pregnant but just fat, it could really hurt their feelings”. If she nitpicked at my posture, haircut, clothes etc I would say “why do you think that is an ok thing to say? It’s incredibly hurtful.” And turn it back at her as a question. She really floundered. She clearly had no clue what she was thinking. She just saw me as a punchbag who could soak up whatever mean thoughts popped into her head. Every time I said “that’s hurtful, why would you say that” she would just seem baffled and stuck for what to say. But she has stopped because she really didn’t like being put on the spot.

We’ll never have a great relationship but I do see her and it can be OK. I feel a lot more free and have let go of always feeling not good enough and terrified to upset her. It’s hard to contemplate when you’re in the land of guilt but when you do make this change it’s easier than you think.

My mum is like this. I used to think she was lovely, though I've always felt sorry for her. I realise now that we are enmeshed, she emotionally depends on me.
She's not openly nasty to me, it's all very covert and undertone and passive aggressive but it's worn me down do much that last week I told her I needed space.
She has completely lost it, shit has hit the fan. Flying monkeys, threats of self harm, the lot. Straight outta the narcissist book.
It's not normal but sadly not uncommon. I'm determined to let it happen with my kids.

My mum isn't like that at all. Physical appearance was important to her when we were kids, probably because she grew up poor so it was important to her we were well dressed. But she wouldn't freak out if we got messy or anything like that.

In terms of being proud of me etc, she thinks I'm amazing no matter what I do really.

None of what you describe sounds very normal or loving.

This could be my mum...I love her BUT..
She was always glamorous (although weight issues yo yo diets)... had the perfect marriage to a man who adored her, house was immaculate, worked full time and raised 4 kids, volunteering for the church...from the outside ,everyone thinks she is perfect...
I call them Jelly fish stings:
Resulting in undermining me and my siblings,
little encouragement or support.
low self esteem and depression
I just hope that I can break the cycle with my own children.

My mum isn’t like your mum, but she has a side others don’t see that only I see. She can sometimes be very very harsh without realising. She is also a relatively old mum (had me at 41) and I think her parenting style differed a lot of my way my peers were parented. She’s the “I’m not your friend I’m your mother and I don’t want to be your friend” type. I’m grateful for that now though.

My mum is like this. I recently worked out that if we go to something that is specifically about her then she will be great. If we go to a neutral thing then we'll probably also have a nice time. But....if someone compliments me at that event or we go to an event that is specifically about me then God help me. I had some of my work exhibited in a very smart ,professional art gallery. My family came to the private evening view. My mother's only comments were

1. Aren't the floors in here lovely.
2. I've bought a piece of your work because I like the frame.

Definite elements of my mum here.

100% the weight thing

'So lemons are you still thinking about trying to lose some weight?'

'Are you 'slimming' at the moment?

Grrrr

Also - I'm a lone parent. My DD is Autistic and has had loads of problems. - but she can't accept that it exists and drops not so subtle hints about it being my parenting

She'll say 'oh I know you need some time to yourself so how's about I go today instead of tomorrow'

Me - 'ok I could do with a night ti myself just to watch some trash TV etc'

The next time I saw her she started crying saying that she felt as if I had chucked her out.

Also my DS has always been more academic / intellectual than me and I am definitely seen as the lost cause. Constant comments on the TV I watch (well it's not exactly intellectual is it lemons?') ditto the books I read. The list goes on.

That said - she's helped me a lot over the years and I do honestly think she means well. It comes from a good place as she just wants me to 'better' myself (in her eyes)

What has helped?

I have learnt to reply breezily, not engage, change the subject etc and realise it's much more about her than it is me.

I don't know if it's the best way but I don't want to not have her in my life as we do get on and she's my only parent - she hasn't had the best life herself so I make allowance ls for that.

My mum died when I was a teen. I went to live with my brother, his wife and their children. She was a fucking nightmare and left me with some serious issues. Your mother sounds much worse and believe me, that's saying something.

You need to talk to a therapist about this, not mumsnet.

Yes, a lot of this rings true to me …and it’s not right and not healthy. I’m now careful about how and when I see her and have become quite good at ignoring the ranting and demands. Remember, she can only make you feel bad if you let her - it’s in your power not to react.

My mum's not like that at all. My mum bigs us up, wants us to have confidence. She's embraced my husband.

She's annoying at times, and has her faults (as we all do) but she's nothing like your mum. Who hasn't quite nasty to be honest!

I think some mums don't realise what they do. My mum was brought up in a warzone. She left as soon as she could, worked hard in her career then had me and my sister. Her upbringing and a difficult divorce has left it's scars and the result is that she can be quite critical - of my appearance, career and everything.

The difference with my mum is that I can say to her she's being too much and will stop when she realises she's doing it. She'll also notices it in herself. She's really caring and shows it.

My suggestion is to have a conversation and set boundaries. If those boundaries aren't respected walk away.

Take good care of yourself. Protect yourself. Nothing my DF ever did satisfied his mum. He spent his life trying to get her approval. He tried to be the perfect son, perfect doctor and perfect family man

Then she died and he realised he would never get her approval. He went on to have a massive breakdown and ended up as a psychiatric inpatient. They had to section him. And all over his cold, cruel mother..

He did recover and went on to live a long and happy life.
He was the most loving and supportive father.

Yes, my mum is very similar, and it’s tricky.
she won’t ever change, although she has got better.
I put boundaries in place, and stick to them, and it was bloody hard, but they helped.
I’ve worked on my own self esteem and confidence, and self love, so it doesn’t affect me as much.

No my mum is fantastic. I'm sorry your mum is like this.

My mum was like this - always criticising but then in some odd way it was good as it made me work harder at school etc and so did okay. But even then it didn't stop - my home wasn't right, my husband wasn't good enough, I was a bad mother, was getting nowhere with my job.
What helped was talking to her sister who felt the same so realised she was pushing her problems on to me. My dad was a saint and was fantastic helping with the children (I wonder if partly to get out of the house)

In my case, cutting contact altogether.

Before that, "grey rock" - google it but basically make yourself as dull as possible and only talk about neutral topics that she can't find anything to comment on.
Being low contact.
Having very strict boundaries.

Unfortunately, and the reason I ultimately cut contact, my mother's response to this was to become more and more overtly unpleasant and vitriolic to try to provoke a response.

The main thing that helps is to realise that your mother won't change, so stop expecting them to be the nice maternal type that all your friends have.