Are all mums like this?

My mum is sort of like this. Very needy, criticises/moans about everything and everyone (to me - everyone else thinks she’s a sweet old dear). Guilt trips me a lot. Very argumentative. Fully views herself as a victim. On top of this, she’s disabled. She’s fairly independent but she does need my help for quite a lot of stuff. Honestly, it’s exhausting. I cope by having immovable small boundaries that help me keep my sanity. Eg. If she tries to start an argument, I refuse to engage. If she’s unkind to my children, that’s an absolute no and I will tell her she’s wrong and tell her to apologise. She used to guilt me into spending whole weekends doing what she wanted. Now I’ll do that on a Saturday but Sundays are for me and my kids. Very very gradually, I’m reducing the time I spend with her. I also don’t make my kids spend time with her. If she’s over, they know they’re more than ok to carry on doing what they want, once they’ve said hi. It’s a crap situation but it’s the best I’ve been able to make it. I also do everything I can to be a better mum to my kids. If my mum does something awful, I’ll find a way to say ‘if I ever behave like that, tell me I’m being awful!’ Sending hugs x

Sorry but no that isn't a good mum. It may be common among some circles but certainly not good. Parents shouldn't make you feel shit and on edge all the time.

This is not a friend, this is you mum. You don't just ditch your mum. Also she might be adhd, autistic etc. I really think mine has something due to childhood trauma, she just can't keep the thoughts to herself (even she acknowledges she needs to stop her horrible comments and had a history of depression)

Limit your time or be ready to leave when you can't take it anymore. But I see it as it is, a mental health condition, and brush it off. Not reacting and distraction/changing subject helps too.

Mine is very much like this.

I realised recently that she actually has never paid me a compliment. Not when I did well in exams or at university or when I got promotions. Not on my wedding day or my birthday. Not even a back handed compliment.

Either it's all actually about her "see I chose the right school for you" or it's just negativity

No, my mum is with me as she is with everyone else, an utter angel.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

Not all mum’s are like anything because every human is different but I do recognise some of those behaviours you listed in my mum.

My mum was always obsessed with her weight and constantly on a diet. We’d get a take out once a week and she’d only have boiled rice and chicken tikka off the bone, that sort of level of obsessed. Wasted thousands over the years on fad diets. When I was a teenager she started turning on me and my weight. If it crept up a bit, she’d start actively encouraging me to diet with her and start weighing my portions of pasta out for example.

Since the menopause she’s gained a lot of weight and is now quite big. I’m slim because I run a lot and she’s now negative about how slim I am- there’s nothing left of you, you’re all bones, you have no bum etc. Can’t really win with her to be honest and I think a lot of it stems from her own insecurities. I just ignore her and don’t spend much time with her.

Yes my mum would always insist she loved me, that all her criticism and nit-picking and outright contempt for who I was came from a place of love.

"Love" is just a word that means nothing if it isn't accompanied by actions and respect.

Everyone thinks my mum is lovely and kind and thoughtful and she is. But to me and my brother to an extend she can be sharp rude and frankly awful to be around.

Because she has to express every thought in her head and every opinion she has. Also other people's opinion matters more to her than her family. I love her but now as a adult I understand why my father wanted to leave her.

If this was a friend then you wouldn’t be friends with them. I just don’t speak to my mum as I can’t cope with the drama.

cognitive behaviour therapy helped me identify my triggers for dealing with situations and although I did not have cbt for my mum but losing my baby. I realised that my mindset has a huge role to play.

start putting some boundaries in place. Maybe this was how her mum treated her.
tell her that her comments upset you and she needs to stop or she can leave. Keep it simple about what you won’t accept anymore.

as for all the guilting you about relationships etc then nobody will be good enough and if you continue listening to her then you will waste your younger years and maybe the possibility of a family of your own. She wants you to grow old with her and take care of her.
if she starts being pathetic then say oh I looked at some care homes as you said you were struggling. Shall we go look?

Yes my mother is like this she will never change. Her way of showing love. Not always a bad thing although quite testing, it’s made me resilient and I believe in myself. I had to!

its not her fault either, her mother was way worse. (And she was an orphan). And living during the war etc.

Your mother is a narcissist. Even the way you wrote that it feels disloyal to even write a post about her. There's nothing wrong with having a rant about a family member who might be annoying us from time to time, we are only human. The fact she has you feeling like that shows the hold she has over you. Id recommend counselling OP. Its absolutely not normal to treat your children this way. Id also suggest lowering contact with her before the damage she does is irreparable. You seem to be defending her at every turn, sorry but she doesnt deserve such loyalty. Hopefully you can break the hold she has by taking a step back and getting some help. But please stop thinking this behaviour is normal or ok!

Research narcissistic mothers.

I'm sorry to say your mother sounds very much like one.

I'm no contact with my entire family for extreme narcissism - the only way I could be happy.

Research narcissistic mothers.

I'm sorry to say your mother sounds very much like one.

I'm no contact with my entire family for extreme narcissism - the only way I could be happy.

My mum was nothing like this. My Stepmum is exactly like this and with her own biological children too. You need to accept it’s a “her” issue and not a “you” issue and limit your contact if she’s getting too much.
As I’ve got older (Sm been around since I was 12) I’ve realised that other people do see her for what she is and see glimpses of what you see if not the full picture.

Yes my mum is just like this although not quite as bad with the weight thing - although she used to be!

Some mums are lovely, some are not and then everything in between.

Having done a lot of reading I have realised that my DM definitely had narcissistic tendencies, but she was able to present two different faces to the world: one for me, one for everyone else. She died a few weeks ago and pretty much everyone thought she was an amazing person and can’t understand why I was NC for years. The online memorial tributes speak of a wonderful, kind, compassionate, supportive, amazing person who would do anything for anyone but she was anything but these things to me.

An aunt has recently told me that she knew how I was treated right from a small child and it was a small validation of how I felt I was treated. However, as I consider my experiences with DM to be my private business people including family and friends think I am a terrible person for being NC with her and not visiting her in her last days. I have been ostracised by both sides of the family and family friends. There is always a price to pay and other people will make you pay it because they don’t have the intelligence to ask themselves is there more to why Airworld doesn’t have contact with her DM and perhaps justifiably so.

So, all mums are different and it’s up to you to deal with the hand you are dealt.

I lost my mum but no she wasn't like this she was incredible in every way sorry you have a difficult relationship

Someone above has suggested one book you could read. I don’t know the book myself but getting an understanding of what is actually happening, rather than just accepting your mother’s narrative (which a child will inevitably do) is a good first step. My mother had elements of yours - mainly around the use of guilt to control her children - and group therapy helped me enormously . Individual therapy obviously useful also

My mother wasn't exactly like this but there are elements I recognise. She tended to say what she thought and that could feel like criticism - like if I had a hair cut she might say it didn't suit me as well as the previous one. I have some lasting memories of isolated occasions where I felt unfairly blamed. She had high standards for herself e.g. over cooking elaborate meals that caused her to put stress on herself, which could affect the rest of us, and she definitely suffered from anxiety over trying to be too perfect at times.

But generally she was supportive and kind and certainly didn't interfere in my life - as an adult it sometimes felt like more input would have been nice - in a crisis though, she was there for me. We were always on good terms and regularly in touch but it wasn't a very close, 'best friend' type of relationship.

No, they aren't all like that. My mum wasn't like that with me and I like to think that I'm not like that with DD.

No my mum wasn’t like this. I think there is always a part of the mother / daughter relationship where they want the best for you and have to pass those decisions on to you and let go. Also, I always wanted my mum to be happy with my choices too. I think some level of that exists. No my DM has been gone 10 years and I miss her so much.Now that my girls are adult I understand a lot more of our clashes when I as young. Too late to tell her. Try to have a chat with her about how she makes you feel.

My mum is nothing like this. My mum puts us first, always and has only ever treated me with love and kindness and zero judgement or expectations (although obviously she is proud of our achievements)

My mum isn't like this but my mother in law is with my DH and me. She's a covert narcissist and has one public personality that everyone else sees and another when she's with us which is extremely critical, calculated and mean. We've gone low contact.

She's great with our children and we only really have contact because of them and their relationship now. We don't spend any time together socially anymore.

No my mother isn't like this (or wasn't as she passed away almost ten years ago). But if you mean is her public persona different that that experienced as a child then yes - no one knows what goes on within the family home. And I always felt that mothers can be the most judgmental of f people. Mine once said to me (probably a comment about my weight) that if a mother can't point it out who could? I said I was not ignorant of the fact I needed to lose weight but her constantly telling me was not helping at all.
Our mothers can be the harshest critics and simultaneously our biggest cheerleaders.

She sounds like my MIL. My partner often falls out with her because of her behaviour. She comments on appearance a lot, she outright calls one of my partners friends fat to his face and reminds him of all the weight he’s put on but then in the same breath will say what a lovely person he is. When I was about 36 weeks pregnant I had an appointment at the hospital, the plan was always for me to go on my own as my partner was due to be working. Unfortunately his car broke down the day before and I needed my car to go to the hospital, he asked his mum if she could give him a lift to work as a big favour and she agreed to this. Next day I headed off to my appointment, partner messages me whilst I’m at my appointment to say his mums forgotten to come and get him so I had to rush home to drive him to work, he was late and missed the start of an important department meeting. She’s never once apologised for forgetting about him but expects him to be available for her at the drop of the hat, even during his working hours. Oh and she calls our niece fat and heavy, she is 2.5 years old and a perfectly average sized toddler.

Sorry I’ve projected a bit here! The woman does my head in.