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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP just invited four people to dinner tonight and assumed I'd cook

465 replies

Anthologist · 29/08/2024 16:39

AIBU? DP has a flaky but well-meaning (ADHD) friend who on Tuesday invited DP over to supper at Flaky Friend's house tonight. So today I thought that as I'd be here alone this evening I'd just have leftovers and instead of doing the big shop I normally do on a Thursday, I'd shop tomorrow.

FF invited DP over because FF's rather nice posh French girlfriend was due to be away and they planned to watch some rubbish bloke film they both enjoy. Half an hour ago FF contacts DP and says that FF's girlfriend hasn't gone away as planned so their TV date is off — but tell you what, FF and lovely girlfriend will both come to dinner here instead because FF doesn't want to disappoint DP who was expecting an evening with FF. (FF has a different way of seeing things than most people) DP agrees to this in in my hearing, with me yelling SAY NO at him from the hall. He ends the call and then asks what I've got for dinner tonight...

Now FF's partner is a fantastic cook. She cooked for us a couple of weeks ago and it was special. I'm not a bad cook but I want some notice (and some decent fresh ingredients) before cooking for her. So I say no, no way, cancel, cancel, cancel, terrible mistake — and a few choice suggestions for what DP can go and do to himself. He's shouted back about me being a fun sponge and inflexible and how I'm never happy having people round on an impromptu basis and he'll invite whoever he wants to visit in his own home...

We've only had shouting matches like this three or four times in our 14-year relationship, so this is major and I feel very shaken. I take a cup of tea out to the garden to get away from him for ten minutes. Meanwhile OP is in full huff mode and announces when I come back in that he's organised two other people, one of whom can't eat anything with tomatoes in it and one who's a vegan, to join him, FF and FF's partner for this impromptu dinner. I'm invited, too, if I want to be involved.

I've said I'm not cooking, so DP (who probably cooks three times a month, usually sausages or a burger) has found an online recipe for which we have the ingredients and is now preparing butter bean stew with chilli and peanut butter on rice. Stodge of the highest, brownest, vegan order. I feel really embarrassed in case FF's lovely girlfriend thinks this is something I've planned. I'm always the one who cooks for guests since the day early in our relationship when DP served guests slices of toast with ketchup and cheese on top and insisted it was pizza.

DP says I'm being VU. Am I or do other understand where I'm coming from? Off now to freshen up the cloakroom and bathroom. DP says no need, no one will care — but I do and I imagine FF's lovely French girlfriend will...

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 30/08/2024 03:44

Why the fuck didn’t you leave all the dishes in the sink, if the guests ask say airily oh no dp insisted he will do them, it was the trade off as I’d been planning an evening on my own! Then dp can see if he can maintain his smugness while doing all the washing up.

please take the next evening for yourself. And after that tell him he will be cleaning up next time!

hmc39 · 30/08/2024 03:27

Natty13 · 29/08/2024 16:46

Sorry I missed it, where is the friend's girlfriend from again?

Finland? I think?

Poppins21 · 30/08/2024 03:23

Idontjetwashthefucker · 29/08/2024 16:41

You are so NOT being unreasonable, just make a point of saying he picked and cooked the recipe if it's shite

This entirely and then invite FF and girlfriend around another time for a meal you have cooked.

aspaceodyssey · 30/08/2024 03:07

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/08/2024 01:15

Anthologist · 29/08/2024 23:42

Okay, they're gone. It turned out okay. Not exactly a night to remember, but the butter bean stew was fine once we'd added plenty of sriracha and got out the Indian pickles. I managed to find an elderly frozen cheesecake in the bottom drawer of the freezer so the four of us who weren't vegan had that and the vegan had kindly bought his own vegan chocolate pudding. The four of them played a game of Catan while I stayed out of the way and cleaned up.

FF is off his meds and a bit manic — not listening well, hijacking the conversation and yawning when other people were talking about things that were important to them. I understand now why DP struggled with the dump trip last week and why today DP said there was no point in arguing with FF one he'd made his mind up that he was coming. I also understand why the lovely French girlfriend decided to stay home alone. She must need a break.

To the people who've said I'm being an arsehole for mentioning his ADHD, it's one of the first things FF mentions when he meets anyone new — because he knows that sometimes his behaviour can be a bit challenging. If you know what's going on it's easier to understand and forgive what might in other circumstances seem like rude behaviour.

I'm guessing that it will take a few days for DP and I to sort things out. DP is triumphant that it went well, the food was okay and that my reaction was ridiculous. I'm still feeling badly stung that he didn't consult me or explain the situation fully before agreeing to it. I'm also smarting from being called inflexible and a fun sponge. He seems to get more extrovert and sociable as he gets older and would love to be socialising every evening. I'm going in the other direction and prefer quality of contact to quantity. I hope it's not going to trip us up. Feel a bit gloomy about it.

I have noticed this with current DP (I say current as it could go either way right now) of 5 years, and his mates as they all hit the big 50. They are all trying to be 25 again. The level of excitement in the last 48 hours due the Oasis thing is depressing. They try to do an all nighter, are home by midnight and spend the next two days like zombies. But talk to each other about it like they had been to a proper 90's rave!

Reminds me of Paul Heaton still dressing and acting like a hard done to late 80's student, despite being 60. All a bit sad.....

ETA that I am older than DP by 4 years

GoldieLocks09 · 30/08/2024 00:15

Not only would I be super pissed off about not having the chance to plan anything, I’d also be annoyed at the short notice of what is now a dinner party coming over - but maybe that’s just me.. I like to have a little bit of a spruce up of the house before people come over (that aren’t very close family) and would feel uncomfortable if I hadn’t had the chance. But maybe that’s just me?

I’d be taking myself out for the night and enjoying my own company while DH runs around trying to pull it off. If I did want to stay and be a part of it I’d have ordered a take away.

Original poster
Anthologist · 30/08/2024 00:12

alrightluv · 29/08/2024 23:50

I'm glad it went OK. How old are you and how long have you been together? His behaviour sounds beey student like. I wouldn't like it at all.

Late 40s (me), 51 (DP). Together for nearly 15 years. I'm peri-menopausal, possibly menopausal — not as much energy or enthusiasm as I once had.

Bed now. Sleep well all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anthologist · 30/08/2024 00:08

hotsouple · 30/08/2024 00:02

The saga with the Frenchwoman and indeed dinner itself is reminding me of this SNL skit with forbidden love and pizza rolls. You should serve totinos

Edited

That's fab. Thank you.

OP posts:
nettie434 · 30/08/2024 00:06

WiddlinDiddlin · 29/08/2024 21:46

No ones spotted that French Girlfriend has played a fucking blinder here - having stopped FF and OP's DP from loitering around her place all evening, she's foisted them and add ons onto OP's house...

AND STOLEN HER EVENING IN BY HERSELF...

Ooh yes, so she did! I bet @Anthologist will find that Lovely French Girlfriend has perfectly pedicured pieds next time she sees her.

I salute you @Anthologist . This is a very funny thread and you have turned what was a very difficult situation into a triumph. As for the money on lunch and wine for DP's relatives, next time you can serve them butter bean stew and rice, making sure of course that DP has to cook it.

hotsouple · 30/08/2024 00:02

The saga with the Frenchwoman and indeed dinner itself is reminding me of this SNL skit with forbidden love and pizza rolls. You should serve totinos

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A4kpVO56OBU

alrightluv · 29/08/2024 23:50

I'm glad it went OK. How old are you and how long have you been together? His behaviour sounds beey student like. I wouldn't like it at all.

Original poster
Anthologist · 29/08/2024 23:43

JADS · 29/08/2024 22:22

This whole thread is very funny. Thank you Op. I really hope to come back to an update on FF and his lovely French girlfriend. He sounds maddening.

Thank you for finding it funny.

OP posts:
Begsthequestion · 29/08/2024 23:43

I think Hyasynth Bucket needs to take a chill pill.

Let the guy cook for his mates if he wants to. You don't even have to attend.

Original poster
Anthologist · 29/08/2024 23:42

Okay, they're gone. It turned out okay. Not exactly a night to remember, but the butter bean stew was fine once we'd added plenty of sriracha and got out the Indian pickles. I managed to find an elderly frozen cheesecake in the bottom drawer of the freezer so the four of us who weren't vegan had that and the vegan had kindly bought his own vegan chocolate pudding. The four of them played a game of Catan while I stayed out of the way and cleaned up.

FF is off his meds and a bit manic — not listening well, hijacking the conversation and yawning when other people were talking about things that were important to them. I understand now why DP struggled with the dump trip last week and why today DP said there was no point in arguing with FF one he'd made his mind up that he was coming. I also understand why the lovely French girlfriend decided to stay home alone. She must need a break.

To the people who've said I'm being an arsehole for mentioning his ADHD, it's one of the first things FF mentions when he meets anyone new — because he knows that sometimes his behaviour can be a bit challenging. If you know what's going on it's easier to understand and forgive what might in other circumstances seem like rude behaviour.

I'm guessing that it will take a few days for DP and I to sort things out. DP is triumphant that it went well, the food was okay and that my reaction was ridiculous. I'm still feeling badly stung that he didn't consult me or explain the situation fully before agreeing to it. I'm also smarting from being called inflexible and a fun sponge. He seems to get more extrovert and sociable as he gets older and would love to be socialising every evening. I'm going in the other direction and prefer quality of contact to quantity. I hope it's not going to trip us up. Feel a bit gloomy about it.

OP posts:
DoloresHargreeves · 29/08/2024 23:37

Someone needs to read Little Women.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 29/08/2024 23:28

I haven't read the full thread but no, OP, you are not being unreasonable. It doesn't matter who's cooking. That's a red herring. What matters is that he has invited 4 people to dinner in your home tonight with no warning. It doesn't matter that he's cooking or that you could phone for a takeaway or pick up a cheeseboard or go out yourself. You told him you didn't want people over tonight and he not only ignored you, he invited an extra two and he's angry because you're not delighted. Madness.

Confusedmeanderings · 29/08/2024 23:11

I'm loving this thread!

RVEllacott · 29/08/2024 23:06

This thread is highly entertaining. However the people who keep popping up to tell the OP to get a take away or pick up bread, cheese and salad are clearly urban dwellers who can’t conceive of living in locations where there aren’t food deliveries and its a long drive to the nearest decent food shop or take away.

OP YANBU, I’d also be dismayed at spending an evening entertaining (dubious stew or not) when I’d planned a quiet night by myself.

Easipeelerie · 29/08/2024 23:04

So many posh people on here talking about throwing together cheese and fruit and so in. “The Turkish Deli” like that‘s a thing everywhere.
Most people live in the arse end of somewhere and pop out for a sliced white loaf and some mild cheddar from Londis.

6pence · 29/08/2024 23:04

Just go with the flow. Wipe the toilet seats down quickly then sit back and allow dp to host whilst exclaiming what a nice rest it is to allow him to take control for a change.

Hope it went well op.

dapsnotplimsolls · 29/08/2024 23:00

WiddlinDiddlin · 29/08/2024 21:46

No ones spotted that French Girlfriend has played a fucking blinder here - having stopped FF and OP's DP from loitering around her place all evening, she's foisted them and add ons onto OP's house...

AND STOLEN HER EVENING IN BY HERSELF...

She's almost perfect. We still don't know why she's with FF though.

Ohnobackagain · 29/08/2024 22:59

@Anthologist I am completely with you, YWNBU, and well done for leaving DP to cook - can’t wait to hear the rest of this saga! 😀

Mojodojocasahous · 29/08/2024 22:49

How was the bean stew op?

Stickytoffeepudding6 · 29/08/2024 22:45

Had a shite day. Your post made me laugh!

I'm invested so I want to know what happened!

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/08/2024 22:45

That recipe sounds unappetising.