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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP just invited four people to dinner tonight and assumed I'd cook

465 replies

Anthologist · 29/08/2024 16:39

AIBU? DP has a flaky but well-meaning (ADHD) friend who on Tuesday invited DP over to supper at Flaky Friend's house tonight. So today I thought that as I'd be here alone this evening I'd just have leftovers and instead of doing the big shop I normally do on a Thursday, I'd shop tomorrow.

FF invited DP over because FF's rather nice posh French girlfriend was due to be away and they planned to watch some rubbish bloke film they both enjoy. Half an hour ago FF contacts DP and says that FF's girlfriend hasn't gone away as planned so their TV date is off — but tell you what, FF and lovely girlfriend will both come to dinner here instead because FF doesn't want to disappoint DP who was expecting an evening with FF. (FF has a different way of seeing things than most people) DP agrees to this in in my hearing, with me yelling SAY NO at him from the hall. He ends the call and then asks what I've got for dinner tonight...

Now FF's partner is a fantastic cook. She cooked for us a couple of weeks ago and it was special. I'm not a bad cook but I want some notice (and some decent fresh ingredients) before cooking for her. So I say no, no way, cancel, cancel, cancel, terrible mistake — and a few choice suggestions for what DP can go and do to himself. He's shouted back about me being a fun sponge and inflexible and how I'm never happy having people round on an impromptu basis and he'll invite whoever he wants to visit in his own home...

We've only had shouting matches like this three or four times in our 14-year relationship, so this is major and I feel very shaken. I take a cup of tea out to the garden to get away from him for ten minutes. Meanwhile OP is in full huff mode and announces when I come back in that he's organised two other people, one of whom can't eat anything with tomatoes in it and one who's a vegan, to join him, FF and FF's partner for this impromptu dinner. I'm invited, too, if I want to be involved.

I've said I'm not cooking, so DP (who probably cooks three times a month, usually sausages or a burger) has found an online recipe for which we have the ingredients and is now preparing butter bean stew with chilli and peanut butter on rice. Stodge of the highest, brownest, vegan order. I feel really embarrassed in case FF's lovely girlfriend thinks this is something I've planned. I'm always the one who cooks for guests since the day early in our relationship when DP served guests slices of toast with ketchup and cheese on top and insisted it was pizza.

DP says I'm being VU. Am I or do other understand where I'm coming from? Off now to freshen up the cloakroom and bathroom. DP says no need, no one will care — but I do and I imagine FF's lovely French girlfriend will...

OP posts:
Original poster
Anthologist · 30/08/2024 10:32

Starlight1979 · 30/08/2024 10:12

Yeah this 😂I don't think it's posh though, probably more like people who live in London / Manchester / suburbs close to city centres who have these things readily available.

We have a bakery in our village that closes at 4pm (but realistically from 2pm all they have is a hot counter full of stale pies they haven't sold that day), a greengrocers the size of my downstairs toilet (they have no opening hours and just close when they feel like it) and a Co-Op a couple of miles away that costs the earth and has the shittest produce known to man.

Show quote history

Oh, this is so familiar. When we first moved here I thought it'd be fine, there's a Londis a couple of villages away and a Co-Op within a 15-minute drive. And then reality dawned. Both of them offer 27 different varieties of crisps, a wide range of cheap chocolate, a lot of booze and white bread and then a few tins of stuff that cost three times the price of Sainsbury's!

OP posts:
Webbing · 30/08/2024 10:29

You are minimising here and making excuses for your DHs behaviour. Expect more eruptions of rage until you address this as this behaviour on both your parts is set to repeat.

Original poster
Anthologist · 30/08/2024 10:25

arethereanyleftatall · 30/08/2024 09:42

Oh God. I was the op ten years ago. My exhusband was her DP. That exact scenario with literally the exact same conversation and actions could easily have taken place.

I used to also let him walk all over me too because he was funny and charming, and 'meh, pick your battles.' I wanted him to like me.

With hindsight, I know now what I needed to do, if I wanted to still be in that relationship. Put my foot down far far more. What he did was no where near acceptable. It was selfish and thoughtless of him. Ironically, now that we are divorced and I do say no (kids so still involved) he likes and respects me far more and we get on great.

However, also with hindsight, I am really glad I didn't know then how to keep him, as I now have zero negativity in my now blissful single life. But I do get that's not for everyone, others are prepared to tolerate stuff for company, and that's fine.

Either way - you are too nice to him op, and this is where resentment just grows. A poster upthread was spot on when she pointed out how completely absurd it would be the other way round. Can you imagine having a couple of your girl friends around last minute when he was planning a night in to watch the footie, expecting him to shop, cook and clean up for it and then calling him a fun sponge if he didn't comply?

I now have zero negativity in my now blissful single life.

Wow, you've have achieved nirvana. Well done you!

You — and you're not the only one by a long chalk so this is meant for quite a
few posters — overlook the major factor in last night's situation. And that's the fact that FF, who usually takes meds to regulate his ADHD (and may also have a mild form of BPD, something which fairly commonly accompanies ADHD) is not currently taking them. He's a bit manic at the moment. Funny, wacky, very entertaining, but revving very fast. If you've never known anyone who suffers from these conditions it may be difficult to imagine what's that like. But you can't say no to him in a polite, reasonable way: it's his way or no way. He is full of positive enthusiasm for what he wants to do and he doesn't consider anyone else's ideas or feelings.

This morning DP has explained that he invited the other two guests yesterday in the hope that more people would damp FF down a bit, which it probably did. If only DP had explained his thought processes at the time it would have been helpful. But I own the fact that by that point I was furious and disinclined to listen myself.

What DP and I need to do today is talk to FF and encourage him to get back on his meds. Otherwise things could tip too far. That's what I hope will help heal some of the (hopefully) minor damage done to our relationship last night.

OP posts:
RainbowZebraWarrior · 30/08/2024 10:19

GladSatsumaShark · 30/08/2024 10:17

You are a little bit late to yesterday’s dinner party.

Show quote history

Brilliant!

You just know that today is going to be peppered with posts saying "Just go out" and "why not get a takeaway?"

Folk never RTFT.

Octopies · 30/08/2024 10:19

He was unreasonable for assuming you'd be happy to cook at such short notice. I think you are BU to assume others will care that much about having a fancy meal every time they come over. It the arrangement is to come over have some food and watch a film, I wouldn't be expecting a fancy meal. If the invite was to come over for a formal dinner party, then yes I'd be surprised to be served cheese on toast.

One of DH's friend invites us over to hang out and we usually get fed frozen pizza and salad. It works fine as we go over to spend time with him and his family not judge him on his cooking.

GladSatsumaShark · 30/08/2024 10:17

Deathraystare · 30/08/2024 10:15

Don't get a takeaway or even be there. He will never learn if you give in to him! Go out for the evening and eat something better than he dishes up!!

You are a little bit late to yesterday’s dinner party.

Deathraystare · 30/08/2024 10:15

Don't get a takeaway or even be there. He will never learn if you give in to him! Go out for the evening and eat something better than he dishes up!!

GladSatsumaShark · 30/08/2024 10:12

I think you were right about the lovely French Girlfriend OP. She played it well and was the only one who got to spend an entire night all by herself. She knew exactly what she was doing, well done to her! Next time, you do the same.

Starlight1979 · 30/08/2024 10:12

Easipeelerie · 29/08/2024 23:04

So many posh people on here talking about throwing together cheese and fruit and so in. “The Turkish Deli” like that‘s a thing everywhere.
Most people live in the arse end of somewhere and pop out for a sliced white loaf and some mild cheddar from Londis.

Yeah this 😂I don't think it's posh though, probably more like people who live in London / Manchester / suburbs close to city centres who have these things readily available.

We have a bakery in our village that closes at 4pm (but realistically from 2pm all they have is a hot counter full of stale pies they haven't sold that day), a greengrocers the size of my downstairs toilet (they have no opening hours and just close when they feel like it) and a Co-Op a couple of miles away that costs the earth and has the shittest produce known to man.

Coughsweet · 30/08/2024 10:10

Why did no one just get a curry?

Starlight1979 · 30/08/2024 10:06

PotterHead1985 · 29/08/2024 22:42

Argh, hanging on for the update. On the sludge stew in particular. My idea of hell.

Also to the pp who mentioned the name change thing, yes I remember. I'm tempted to go with either no-tomato-jo or Hello Heathcliff it's me Clafoutis!!!

😂

Starlight1979 · 30/08/2024 10:02

WiddlinDiddlin · 29/08/2024 21:46

No ones spotted that French Girlfriend has played a fucking blinder here - having stopped FF and OP's DP from loitering around her place all evening, she's foisted them and add ons onto OP's house...

AND STOLEN HER EVENING IN BY HERSELF...

This. Clearly beauty AND brains. Plus sophisticated and an amazing cook 😍

Even I am wondering what she sees in FF and I don't even know any of these people 😂

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 30/08/2024 10:01

Anthologist · 30/08/2024 09:08

@StolenChanel Forget lovely French girlfriend, it's you I adore! I so want 'Naturally hilarious: Mumsnet' on my gravestone. Possibly a tattoo, too. It's the highest accolade in my book. But thank you, and everyone else who 'got' me. It was fun to play with some of you.

Show quote history

When I read your thread-title, I thought must have started a thread in my sleep, and then when I read: He seems to get more extrovert and sociable as he gets older and would love to be socialising every evening. I'm going in the other direction and prefer quality of contact to quantity. I hope it's not going to trip us up. Feel a bit gloomy about it., I realised there had been a strange incident in the night-time and I had indeed posted whilst asleep.
We are older than you both and retired and I am living in what is a nightmare scenario for me but which my husband is embracing with open arms. But he too is of the opinion that it is the company that counts and it doesn't matter how the house looks or what food is served as long as you are welcoming and amongst friends. Worse, he has also become more and more controlling (or maybe I just didn't notice it when he was still working as he travelled a lot and I was happily on my own at home a lot of the time). Almost every other day I decide I've got to leave him as it's just all too much for me.
I hope you sort this out to your satisfaction.

Starlight1979 · 30/08/2024 09:52

IdaPrentice · 29/08/2024 18:07

"since the day early in our relationship when DP served guests slices of toast with ketchup and cheese on top and insisted it was pizza."

This really made me chortle

Same here 😂In fact the whole thread has had me in tears all morning when I should be working!

The bean stew, the toe nail and foot grinding at the dinner table, the lovely French girlfriend... 😂

arethereanyleftatall · 30/08/2024 09:42

Oh God. I was the op ten years ago. My exhusband was her DP. That exact scenario with literally the exact same conversation and actions could easily have taken place.

I used to also let him walk all over me too because he was funny and charming, and 'meh, pick your battles.' I wanted him to like me.

With hindsight, I know now what I needed to do, if I wanted to still be in that relationship. Put my foot down far far more. What he did was no where near acceptable. It was selfish and thoughtless of him. Ironically, now that we are divorced and I do say no (kids so still involved) he likes and respects me far more and we get on great.

However, also with hindsight, I am really glad I didn't know then how to keep him, as I now have zero negativity in my now blissful single life. But I do get that's not for everyone, others are prepared to tolerate stuff for company, and that's fine.

Either way - you are too nice to him op, and this is where resentment just grows. A poster upthread was spot on when she pointed out how completely absurd it would be the other way round. Can you imagine having a couple of your girl friends around last minute when he was planning a night in to watch the footie, expecting him to shop, cook and clean up for it and then calling him a fun sponge if he didn't comply?

ThisWeek · 30/08/2024 09:22

The PP who said this is the rosy goggles falling off with the menopause nailed it.

Been there. A bit of a bumpy time in our relationship pointing out to DH I was not prepared to put up with this kind of shit any more. But to his credit he eventually got it and is now a lot more considerate.

I understand you feeling gloomy OP but all is not lost.

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 30/08/2024 09:21

He is UR for the impromptu invitation.

YABU for claiming all the work to make the house presentable for "lovely French girlfriend" unless of course you habitually leave the toilet in a nasty state.

PulpFaction · 30/08/2024 09:19

I was in a relationship for about two years with a bloke who was in the Freemasons. During our relationship, he was working towards becoming master of the lodge and this meant a LOT of entertaining except.....I am an introvert.

I hated it, my job was very physical whereas he was desk bound and so I was always knackered, smelly and exhausted.

In the end this lifestyle broke me down even though I had a colleague calling me into work to get me out of it all on some of the occasions.

The money spent was extraordinary and all just to be invited back to dozens of other peoples houses. I didn't gel with any of them and it was all so superficial.

I left for this and a variety of other reasons but the relief!

venus7 · 30/08/2024 09:11

nutroastie · 29/08/2024 16:48

children?

What...roasted?

StolenChanel · 30/08/2024 09:09

@Anthologist well now I can walk through my day with my head held high, knowing that I have outdone Lovely French Girlfriend! 😄

GreekDogRescue · 30/08/2024 09:08

Well handled OP.
I don’t understand why these irritating men can’t just have a meal at the pub instead of dragging their womenfolk into their irritating bean-stew fuelled plans.

Imanontoday · 30/08/2024 09:08

Thursdaygirl · 30/08/2024 09:06

Oh blimey, there was a hint of sarcasm in my “trauma” comment, I didn’t expect everyone to take it quite so badly ……

Just own it. Anything else is embarrassing.

Original poster
Anthologist · 30/08/2024 09:08

StolenChanel · 30/08/2024 08:48

Did you read all of OP’s updates? She is naturally hilarious and has a knack for storytelling, even in shitty situations.

Show quote history

@StolenChanel Forget lovely French girlfriend, it's you I adore! I so want 'Naturally hilarious: Mumsnet' on my gravestone. Possibly a tattoo, too. It's the highest accolade in my book. But thank you, and everyone else who 'got' me. It was fun to play with some of you.

OP posts:
Thursdaygirl · 30/08/2024 09:06

Oh blimey, there was a hint of sarcasm in my “trauma” comment, I didn’t expect everyone to take it quite so badly ……

Fraaahnces · 30/08/2024 09:05

When I DP’s birthday @Anthologist? (Or anniversary/Christmas whatever’s next…) Might I suggest you buy him a copy of Julia Childs’ recipe book and tell him to have at it next time he thinks a spontaneous dinner party is a good idea? If he suggest that you cook, you can always thump it violently on the bench to illustrate just how much you detest that idea.