Would you have children if you knew they may never move out?

If it was a certainty then probably not although you can’t plan these things, there will always be a chance. I’m happy to sacrifice everything for my (small) children because, all being well, they will likely live independent lives one day and anything I miss right now will hopefully be available to me then. I suppose it’s because around kids (no matter their age) you’re in ‘mum mode’ and at some point I want to rediscover ‘me’. It’s tiring being a role model 24/7.

I think this is sensible. I chose to have DC in full knowledge of this, and it's worth the risk to me.

I mean, I'm not here for an argument.

I'm just saying that any time you bring a child into the world, you take the risk that they could be born disabled, or become disabled, and will therefore be dependent on you for all their needs forever.

There's a fair number of people who have chosen to stay child-free (myself included) because it's just not a risk they're happy to take with their futures.

Jesus. No. No way.

I do not want 40 year old children still living in my house like teenagers. I would not sign up 'forever'. Fortunately I won't have.

But as I have said before on this forum, it's ok for me to leave and find a teensy place of my own, right? Both my DC are NT.

I think having them stay until their early 20’s whilst working and saving for a deposit etc is one thing, but 30 year olds living at home with no interest or intention of flying the nest, I find odd. If it’s that common then why can’t a group of friends get together and rent a house and split bills? You can’t run before you can walk but at least you gain life expectancy and become independent.

If I met a man that lived at home at 30, I would be put right off. Id assume he’s got it cushy at home and his mam does everything for him!

A good friend of mine has all sorts of mental health problems, he stayed at home as couldn't get a job. Now in his late 30s he essentially cares for and provides for his sibling and parent with their own (worse) problems. It worked for them.

Never

All 3 of mine have lived at home as adults sometimes 1 or 2 of them…..and once all 3 of them and also with a GC…..I enjoy the chaos…..although lovely to have peace and quiet now and a tidy house…..i never found it mega stressful…..mind you they all paid their own way and shared cooking duties

DD has mild SEN so everything takes a bit longer, I don’t mind her being here, I hope she gets more independent and we can go away and leave her though.
DHs mother hated that he left home and wanted him to stay forever or live on the same street. He moved hundreds of miles away instead.

It depends on the risk and the set up. If the cultural climate turned to one where multiple generations live in a big enough house and all contribute with chores and finances, I'd be happy with that. I'd gladly do a few days of childcare for future grandchildren in exchange for support in my older age, and I'd gladly cook for extra people in exchange for having a night where other people cook for me. This is provided that we also have our own time and everyone gets along, not continuing a child-parent relationship where I financially support and clean up after an unemployed grown up man.

There's never any guarantee your children will leave home though, is there?

It wouldn't ve my first choice, but yes, I'd be fine with it if my dcs stayed with us. As long as they behaved like adults and not like some of the young adult children I read about on here!

What you have sometimes are people who are not struggling intellectually to have a job and make ends meet but do very bad choices and end up living on benefits or in their parents home or with friends etc and one day, it dawns on them they have to grow up and suddenly they stop going out, save up, buy a little home and are no bother to anyone. But all sorts happen to all sorts of people. Shall I shove my kids forcefully out if I know there have one or more struggles ? - It is not me and it is not my style.

Truthfully I’d want a lot more space if I thought they were staying that long, but I’d never turn them away.

I get this…
.my 3 are 30s and 20s ….every night before I go to sleep I check when they were last on WhatsApp…. When any of them are under my roof at night I don’t need to do this and sleep more soundly for it

Yes. I can’t bear the thought of DS going off to Uni soon, or that either of my DC may not return home after Uni and may live in another part of the country to me. Breaks my heart.

Yes I would have…..my 3 are grown and flown now but all 3 of them have returned home at various stages….my Dd came with her own 2 kids…..we’ve also said you have a home here whenever you need it…..I like it when they are here…..I like it when they aren’t here

What I am saying is: if a child is healthy and independent, they will want to live away. There are some people though, who are just very gentle and some with needs. It will depend on all of that. But no, I am not against my kids being with me forever. However if they are capable of paying, they will have to pay the lot. If not, I will do it. I come from a culture, where the two , sometimes 3 generations pull together and life goes on. I have seen it, lived it. etc

Unless a child had serious disability I'd not expect them to still be living at home in their early 20s. I'd be making sure they either got a good education and went to Uni for a employable degree and then got a graduate job, so would in all likelihood move away from home town (as there are no decent jobs around here anyway), or stay at home to go to college to get a skill/trade, so again could be working and earning so as to be able to leave home in their early 20s. I'd be having serious words from the start of the teenage years to "point" them in the direction of taking education/training seriously enough so that they'd be working and earning and paying their own rent by early 20s and if they showed no signs of doing so, then I'd be making it clear they'd be expected to move out by that age whether working or not. There's no way I'd have a child who was capable of working and earning a decent living from bumming around at home being subsidised by us! We both have a massive work ethic and that was well and truly passed onto our son, who is indeed working away and paying his own way, only coming home for occasional visits. It's not healthy to have adult children living at home if they're capable of working and living independently. It's not good for them and not good for the parents! I certainly don't want my son to have been staying living at home just to look after us in our old age - why ruin his future by holding him back like that!

It wouldn’t be a problem for me at all. One of my kids is autistic so might never move out after university etc which is fine as I like and love him. I like my kids and would be happy to have multigenerational living to help them out. That’s what it is to be a family.

Nothing should be expected of children that did not ask to be brought into the world. Parents owe their children, not the other way around.

Hell yes. I'm only at peace when my son is under my roof. He can stay forever ❤️

Yes, if she was like my brother and I were. My brother was always supported by my family and to this his kids are looked after. He was given friends names of companies and good jobs from my father's business relations. I was told to go and get married and after uni all support ended. To this day. I am glad the thread is all about potential events but our way of thinking has a background ...of course then, if my son was the same as this potential daughter, they I would have to keep them both home and work beyond retirement age and consult a great lawyer

Well two of my children have additional needs so will be living with me all my life. I can't say it fills me with joy to think I'll be a carer forever.
For my NT DD who's 18, she's been saving for a year already, I don't think I'd want her here forever and don't think she'd want to live with me forever.
I obviously wouldn't be without my DC but not sure I would have had them if I knew they'd be at home for life.