Would you have children if you knew they may never move out?

Yes but surely by the age of 38 they’re well able to support themselves, absent any health issues. I think you can stop pulling out the “you brought me into the world” card at 38! Otherwise when does it stop?

I wouldn't mind at all if our kids lived with us forever. I'd expect them to contribute to the running of the house but they do that already as a teen and adult anyway. We have a big house which helps as everyone can get their own space.

I'm sure they'll move out at some point as they'll want to but I hope it's when they've saved a big house deposit as it makes life easier. Well be helping them with that too when they want to leave.

I don't live with my parents because it's not in my best interests to do so. Not everything is about finances (for me - luckily). If it was in my best interests, they would have me in a heartbeat.

And yes I do think that parents should put their 38 year old child above themselves. They brought that person into the world.

Not really, I come from a culture where multi-generational living was common. It’s not so common now. It’s incredibly stressful, theres a lack of privacy, most people I know don’t enjoy it. 100% wouldn’t want to live with my parents or in-laws. It’s quite hard to shift to an adult to adult relationship. Also many a woman has been ground down by care for others continuing way past the time she should have been able to put her feet up.

However I would absolutely never chuck my DD out (assuming normal behaviour obviously).

I never want my children to move out. If I could I'd have a huge house and I'd have the grandparents there too. I think other cultures have this right but I do have a great family

I really enjoy my son's company he is 28 and came back after Uni. He is getting married next year and I would have his partner move in if we had the room. It's like having a good friend live with you.

My mid-late 20-something DDs both live at home. I can’t see them moving out in the near future. Both did live away for university and work abroad.

I find it bemusing that it isn't just a financial reason - it seems that some people just do not seem to WANT to move out

It is not just financial
I know people who COULD easily move out - I know two ladies in their twenties who are on the higher end of earners and still live at home with their parents (and the parents actually have a much lesser income). Ones actually a company director and her parents are pensioners.

Resentments build up on all sides
I just do not understand that - I think it is suffocating as an adult / and unhealthy dynamic of aging parents feeling they need to parent all the time.

Going out of the house as a high earning business director, but having to explain to parents where you are going - and yes it does happen as there is not the automatic cut of point between parenting a child and an adult: People cannot figure out how to adapt to emerging adult / parent relationships as their isnt the clear cut of point of them becoming fully fledged independent

Also in the case of the two ladies I know - they have a higher income than their parents however the parents are allowing them to stay at home free / very cheaply. One pays nothing and the other pays £15 a week. I mean come on - how much more do they actually want from their parents at this stage.

There is a thread on here about a mum who is sick of cooking for her adult son . - you can see how resentments may build up.

Parents might rather the young adult moved out, but feel guilty feeling this way and feel resentful that they are not enjoying retirement or their later years instead of having to give a free or cheap ride to a perfectly capable adult. They might feel resentful that their retirement pot is being eroded

Having adult kids at home changes a persons life style, some older adults have a sense of adventure and may have wanted to travel or spend time with their other half but this is pushed on to the backburner

I dont think its healthy for anyone to be honest

@OneTooFree I loved these houses...mine was also three storey with a huge self contained flat on the top floor, and also a massive basement with outdoor entry, with 4 big rooms and a tiny bathroom (two of which were a kind of 'teenage annex' space with a small bathroom). My eldest had this set up as a bedroom, seating/games area and bathroom, which was great for her when she started college 🤣

God I miss that house!!

I think I would prefer it tbh. I felt pressured to move out and my room was gone the second I did. I'd hate my kids to feel that way. My mother is getting old and needs support and it's such a burden popping over to help when I have kids it would be so much easier if she was already in my house! Cost less to the tax payer in Carer's too. Plus if I'd felt welcomed at home maybe I'd be willing to do more for her out of love rather than duty.

If my kids contribute we could afford something big enough for them to start their families before moving out. I'd get to care for grandkids and save them a fortune. And as I have a disabled son who may never leave home as he will always need supervision/support but should grow out of needing the physical care sometime it solves a lot of problems for us if he could just stay in the family home and contribute however he is able and happy to.

My only concern would be for women. Oppressed by their in-laws. Burdened with caring roles they do not wish to have, I mean I'm willing but that's my choice it won't be everyone's. If the men are not pulling their weight with housework? Fuck that. If we had plenty of group living situations for single women who don't wish to live with family that would be awesome. I guess for men too to be fair but separate or some mixed not all

My oldest is autistic and I always knew he wouldn't ever move out. I joke about building an adam annexe if we owned our own house

My parents house / childhood home is like that ( German ) it's over three storey's.
They converted the second and third floors into two bedroom flats when they first bought it when they got married, which they've always rented out.

I would still have them, yes.

My preference is that they’ll thrive independently but still want to visit lots etc. they’ll always be welcome.

But if they need to be at home then we’ll be here for them. I won’t still be doing their meals, laundry etc though.

Well, yes. I really wanted a baby. So can’t imagine even if I was warned, that the fact they wouldn’t move out would stop me

My son is profoundly autistic with severe learning disabilities and non verbal. He will need constant care for the rest of his life.

Maybe I would’ve made a different choice if knew that. He is my everything though, so I can’t imagine life without his beautiful face. Even if it means running myself into PTSD on the daily!

I used to live in Germany. Lots of the houses there (mine included) were built in such a way to enable 'multi generational living'. I loved the idea of 'building up' to accommodate each generation of the family...unfortunately I had to leave before I got the chance, but it was indeed heartwarming.

Love my children but don't particularly want to have to manage the finances, housework etc of effectively house sharing in my retirement. It's not the same as living with children where you are still in charge. Adults would rightly have a say in how a household is run and I don't want to have to navigate that. I don't want to be woken up by people coming in late or drunk. I don't want to have to discuss a fair split of bills or housework. I dont want to have to tiptoe around if children/partners are qorking from home. And I definitely don't want to have to deal with partners, lovers tiffs, etc etc. I would always provide a home for them if they needed it but I strongly hope that they will be capable young adults, able to fly the nest and build their own lives where they are in charge.

What your on about no.

Sorry but as a poor ex-mining family northerner fuck all has changed... you fly the nest in your teens usually due to overcrowding and you do it regardless of having fuck all money. Its not remotely new to millions of people, its just the middle class of mumsnet that seem to feel entitled to just live off mummy and daddy until they can buy their own estate so they never have to 'struggle' like commoners. Most the working class aren't in a position to support other fully grown adults forever, many can barely support themselves.

Able adults grow up and move onto independence and not encouraging that is frankly a failure to parent correctly. They are not meant to be babied and live off you forever and your not prepping them for the real world without you that will inevitably come. You also set them up to be financial abused in future as they never learned the skills themselves and will likely look for a partner to live off to replace the parent they lived off of.

And what I don't believe was your questions intent but the other way it could be interpreted. Yes any one that has a child accepts the small possibility they may end up with a child that may never be able to achieve independence due to severe health issue etc... but no body is thinking 'oh I won't have kids because what if my child ends up profoundly disabled and need 24/7 care to survive' but its nothing to do with just choosing to mooch of parents.

I would love my children to live at home forever, but know and accept that they will likely fly the nest.

@Lentilweaver my experience is the same as yours - extended in-laws - all have man-children. They are all in their 20s and 30s, everything done for them by women, gaming 24/7, barely work because they don’t have to because parents provide for them. They are basically living like they are permanently 12 years old.
Really sad existence.
Not something I want for my children.

i was the first generation in my family to leave home before getting married. My parents and all uncles / aunts stayed in the family home until their wedding.

Now one branch my DC’s cousins live in a 3 or 4 generation household where each family addition builds a new floor or wing, it’s normal in so many cultures.

My Dc have moved, for jobs, but if like me and my siblings did, they need to come back for extended periods between jobs or waiting to buy a home or whatever, they will be more than welcome. One of my siblings moved in with my parents for 3 years while they did a self-build new home. Another sibling and spouse moved into my house as lodgers for 2 years.

I certainly wouldn’t base a decision as to whether to have kids or not on anything like this

Also: no one in our family is like many posters I see on MN, v territorial and emphatic about boundaries, declining visits, rigid about ILs behaviour etc. We are both respectful and relaxed around each other.

“Disabilities etc. aside, I personally don't think it's healthy to have reached your thirties without ever having experienced truly independent living.”

agree

@cosyleafcafe

depends on your definition of ‘child’ I guess. I mean I think that when someone is say 38 no additional needs and their parents are say in their sixties or seventies then yeah their parents can absolutely put themselves first! Being a parent does not mean putting yourself last until the day you die.

oh and it’s in pretty much everyone’s best interests financially to live with their parents… so do you think everyone should? Do you still live with your parents?

@Blueybanditbingochilli my experience is compltely the opposite of what you say. I have so many men in the family who live with their parents and are essentially man-children, expecting their mums and grandmums to do everything for them. They have social lives, but barely do any housework

My kids aren't like this at all. They've all lived at home as adults but one is now married, a homeowner with a very responsible job, one lives and works abroad, one has in own place a couple of towns over, works and is living his best life. Of the 2 who are still here, one has just graduated with a very good degree from a very good uni and is now job hunting, and one is a student. His partner is currently studying for a post grad.
They have all contributed both physically and financially to the running of the household. They are not in any way infantilised. In fact, as I am disabled by chronic illness, they do more than their fair share and very often have to help look after me, too.

No. I wouldn’t share my home with adult children anyway. I like my own space. My friends’ DC who still live at home haven’t grown up at all & come across as very immature and needy.

I will add that I might be sad that they didn't move out but not for me for them as those years in your 20s were great for me - finding my feet at living as an adult - I enjoyed that period of time a lot!