Would you have children if you knew they may never move out?

I think the handful of posters saying they'd rather their dc moved out earlier, lived independently, experienced it just like they did are being very naiive.

Dh left home at 16 (kicked out). I left home at 18 (voluntarily but really undesirable home living arrangements so pretty much necessary).

We got our first rented flat when I was 18 (2004). We leisurely browsed and viewed several flats where landlords or agents fell over themselves to convince us to take it. We really levelled up and got a one bed flat in a very sought after area (Marina, coastal) for £400 a month.

We were earning about £12k each. We had loads of money spare after essential bills. Could afford nice weekend trips, holidays abroad etc, had over £1k a month spare to throw at it which was PLENTY for some great experiences.

I'm only 38. It's not like I'm talking about the good old days back in the 50's, my experience isn't that long ago.

It's a WORLD away from what a very young couple looking to rent a flat and live alone would be facing now though.

It's literally not possible for my dc to 'experience what we did' anymore. If they move out at 18 or 20 they'd likely have no option but some scabby house share in an awful area whilst they penny pinched and struggled.

I'd rather they stayed at home longer.

I am quite surprised by the trend this thread has taken and by the number of people keen on multigenerational living. The UK is really changing, or perhaps returning to its roots.

Still draw the line at putting my DC first for their entire lives simply because I brought them into the world! At some point, I need to come first.

I have an adult dd at home. She pays rent, buys any food she wants which may be different to what's in for everyone, and generally leads her own life. She sees her bf, sometimes stays with him, goes abroad, manages a complex job and gets on with her own life, as I do mine. It isn't always an issue for different generations to cohabit.

To answer your question OP, yes I would still have had my children, they're teens now, but providing they help out (as they do now), have a job and sort their own food, then yes they can stay for as long as they want. As things stand I can't see how they could afford to move out much before 25 anyway. Although we might consider parking a caravan or converted shipping container in the garden for them, so they have their own space!

Hard for me to say as they are still in primary school but at the moment I'd like to think they would always have a home with me. I do think it's a shame when some of my colleagues say how they don't want or expect their 18 year olds to return home after uni. But having 30+ year olds living with you is entirely different.

One thing I would put my foot down on though is that I wouldn't have their partners or children living here. I'm divorced and I'd end up feeling like a lodger in my own house probably. I wouldn't move a partner in of my own whilst they were still living here so I wouldn't expect them to. It may be different for couples.

My half brother lives with his mum and has done for years (he did previously move out). And he's 50+

Mine can stay as long as they want. That what me and my husband did when we first get married. We stayed in my MIL for 8 years without paying rent and saving money for deposit. We are pretty lucky we got 2 houses in england and another 2 houses in spain, so i’m gonna sell the houses in spain and give the money to my sons for their house deposit.

I agree with this. Multigenerational living is the norm in many places and was v common in the UK until fairly recently. My uncle lived in the family home his entire life apart from when he went to university, he married lateish at 40.
Quite a few of my friends have children mid twenties still at home.

Wtaf? Please say you are being sarcastic because that is such a backward way of thinking

But if you haven’t taught them to meet their own ‘needs’ and to be constantly ‘needing’ you’ve failed as a parent really haven’t you?

I know many 38 year olds who could not support themselves independently if their much higher earning partners left them. As I say, I live in the most expensive part of the UK but I can think of at least five couples where the woman would be up shits creek if her partner left her. Yet they aren't judged in the same way that a single person is for living at home. When in reality, the scenarios are the same. Both needing support from others.

Someone once said to me on another forum 'You are now 40 so no longer desirable to men as you are out of the prime baby making age. You live at home, in low paid work and have chronic illnesses so dating someone won't be an option. ' Of course it was horrible to read but also true. Some people get a tougher hand at life but that doesn't stop the judgements as is shown on this forum most days.

it isn’t though. It may be how you see it, but plenty of parents do get to a point where their kids reach adulthood and they begin to start putting themselves (and their marriage) at the centre again - and it doesn’t make them any less of a good parent to do so.

@LuckySantangelo35 If that's how that poster wants to conduct her life then it's up to her.

How old are your children out of interest @LuckySantangelo35

At the end of the day if you can't put someone else above yourself, you shouldn't be a parent.

The doesn't mean the same thing as pandering to your adult child's every whim as you seem to be assuming.

It means if they actually need something, you will put their needs ahead of yours.

If you aren't prepared to do that then why bring another human being into the world who did not ask you to do so. If you create a life then you are responsible for it.

@cosyleafcafe

it isn’t though. It may be how you see it, but plenty of parents do get to a point where their kids reach adulthood and they begin to start putting themselves (and their marriage) at the centre again - and it doesn’t make them any less of a good parent to do so.

It's not about "when does it stop" or "pulling out a card".

As a parent you have made a decision to bring another human being into the world. You put their best interests above your own, for life. That's the deal.

You are the one that assumed im bitter and struggling. No idea where you got that from tbh. I have My kids have moved out and are independent and I have freedom to do as I wish and move where I want

You've edited to add this.

For some reason you quoted my post to go on about people in 2 bed flats, when I'd said I live in a large house. Why did you do that?

Then you assumed my financial situation could be ruined, when it can't, and starting being the prophet of doom. Regardless of illness, a split etc, I'm financially secure. Again, thanks for your concern.

Your posts to me were irrelevant and weird. I doubt a happy person would post what you did.

I'm merely realistic. Lol

Well thankfully for me, that will never be my reality.

Now go and spread your misery elsewhere. 💀

I'm merely realistic. Lol

You are the one that assumed im bitter and struggling. No idea where you got that from tbh. I have My kids have moved out and are independent and I have freedom to do as I wish and move where I want

I'm still at home at 40 and very ashamed about it. I live in the most expensive part of the UK. My siblings have all moved out but only because they have much higher earning partners. Without them, they wouldn't have been able to do so.
My parents are still pretty young in their mid sixties but my mum is more like an 80 something and I suspect will need extensive care in the next couple of years. I think both my parents want me to stay as hate the idea of an 'empty nest'. Personally I think they are being selfish and not thinking of me.
I work but have chronic illnesses which makes it doubly hard. I have good savings (saved all my life ) but don't earn well.
I hate living here and feel my life is on hold. My siblings get treated better as they are 'home owners' and I feel like the kid stuck at home soon to be the future carer.
People say get a flat share but with my age and health that isn't a possibility and also I'm not ashamed to say I want more for myself than living in an ridiculously expensive flat share for the rest of my life as by doing that, I wouldn't be able to save to buy.
Sadly I think my parents would have had me but only to suit their needs, not mine. Parents should always have a life outside of their kids and want them out the family home. This is not the case with my parents which in my opinion is not right at all.

Yes I would - when you decide to have a baby you never know their needs.

we have dd 12 and 10 so it’s a long way off, but 12yo has ASD and far from mature now so I can’t assume she’d be ready to move out at 18. It’s too far off for me to know how I’ll feel.

I would want them to move out to move on with their lives and be independent as it’s an important rite of passage. But I’d be happy to provide them with a home while they need it.

Yes id love him to keep living with me (if he was happy)

I’d be secretly delighted ☺️

I’m in the minority here I know but I would want them to move out younger. My parents told us we were welcome back if things didn’t work out (my brother actually moved back in for three years) but it was clear we were expected to leave and live our own lives sooner rather than later. 3/5 are now home owners (I am not one of them but I’m also the youngest and I’m on the way). Even tho my friends who lived at home longer had more money and got deposits sorted sooner, I wouldn’t trade places with them. Living with friends and with partners in my 20s was well worth the delay in being a home owner and financial impact imo. I would really want my children to have these experiences and I would also want them to want that. It does depend on the child tho, if I had a child who couldn’t live independently of course they could stay forever, but that’s different.

I'm not unhappy nor struggling lol Mine have moved out . And I was speaking in general of parents that seem to have to put their own lives and wishes on hold for evermore if their offspring decide not to move out. Very nice for you to have a big house but remember these things are not guaranteed in life. Divorce, illness, job loss can ruin people's lives in a very short space of time

Aren't you a little ray of sunshine? How weird!

Our financial situation means that regardless of what happens we will be just fine. Our lives will not be put on hold, we will continue to live life whether our children live with us or not. Thanks for your 'concern' though. 🤨 🤣

If you were speaking in general, then don't quote me asking about other people needing to downsize from a 2 bed flat when I have no experience of that. Everyone should do what they want/need, again, I was only speaking about my situation with zero interest or judgement to others.

Whose chips are you going to try to piss on next? 🤣

So your daughter is allowed to just sit and look pretty and a nice rich man will come and look after her. Sounds healthy.