I think ive fucked everything up

I'm going to say, give it a chance. But you need to have a few very frank and firm discussions with him! If you can't do that, he'll have to move out.

So what are you going to do? You are not trapped. You hold all the cards here.

Have you talked to him about the mess in the kitchen? I couldn't stand that.

I'm baffled that you didn't realise you would have to share your space. How did you think it was gonna go? Did you expect him to sit in a cupboard for a few hours to give you space?
As for speaking to your dd like that, have you spoken to him about it? That's not acceptable.
I have been with my dp for 14yrs and it was never discussed how he would treat my dc, he just KNEW that it was not his "job" to chastise or punish my dc.

I think you just need to tell him it’s a mistake. That he has not kept to the agreed boundaries and is making you and your daughter uncomfortable. It’s really unfortunate that you and he made this decision without making sure he had a back-up plan, but we’re all allowed to make mistakes and you don’t have to put up with it just because you feel responsible.
You will probably need to give him time to make arrangements, but the sooner you tell him the better.

@whatdidididido

You posted that you'd sent him a text laying out what wasn't working for you and what he needed to do about it. It's only been a week since he moved in. How long ago did you send the text and has he responded in any way?

Do you feel a 'brutally' frank talk (ie an ultimatum) ending in 'if this doesn't happen you'll have to move out' is something you'd consider? Of course then there's always the possibility that they step up for awhile then 'backslide'. But it seems to me that no matter what you do, there's a great chance that the relationship will end either because he won't comply, stops complying, gets pissed off at your 'demands', or cries "If you loved me it shouldn't matter!"

You are who you and you need what you need. If it isn't working, then it isn't working. I suppose both of you may have had 'expectations' that either weren't stated plainly enough or completely understood by the other. And of course, there's always the possibility that he's just flat out ignoring what you said beforehand or doing that dumb "I know what they said but I know they won't mind" thing that people can do when they want something.

At any rate, don't let things drag on once you've reached the point of no return. It's kind of shitty that he moved all that way and it's been such a short time but if/once you're sure, tell him right away.

Moving in together isn't always the right thing to do, especially if you have an already established life on your own or aren't contemplating marriage and/or children. Being 'together apart' can work quite well. Harder of course if you don't live within a reasonable distance of each other, but can still be doable.

Listen, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to share your home with a partner. I'm long time happily married but I tell you now that I would chew glass before I'd ever live with anyone else, should I become single again. I'm too set in my ways and love my 'me time' and independence too much to try to 'adapt' to a new man and his 'foibles'. Nor do I have the patience to try to get them to adapt to mine.

I agree with others, it's all quite dysfunctional. You refer to this man as your DP but it doesn't sound like you actually want to share your space with a partner. Not sure why you moved him in really. Did you really expect to make no adjustments to your way of living?

My ex brought loads of home accessories when he moved in with me - we hadn’t specifically discussed it but I was dismayed when he started unpacking them! Turns out he had a very large collection of 3D wood carvings of Native Americans, both freestanding statues and ones that could be used as a wall hanging. Nothing wrong with them per se, but completely at odds with my decor at the time. How I was glad to pack up his stuff after our split.

I think you have fucked up a bit yes but tbh other than leaving the dishes and mess it’s no one’s fault really, you’re just not suited to living together.

You need to act quickly but also be prepared that it’s the end of the relationship - sounds like you’d be OK with that mind you x

When he stayed at weekends, where would he sit in the living room?

It sounds like a nightmare OP, best to sort it out now though as it’ll just fester and lead to further resentment. I initially read it that you didn’t want him beside you even if your DC were on the 3-seater - but if he’s still squeezing in beside you when another sofa is free, that’d drive me crazy. I get what you mean about beefing space, although DH and I have our own rooms so I’m not exactly the norm!

Good luck getting things sorted out.

But this is the difference between visits and living together. It’s like going on holiday somewhere and thinking that it’s wonderful and you should move there but then finding the reality quite different.

There are a few things that stand out to me here, one being that there seems to be a lack of communication.
I get that you are feeling smothered by him and his stuff, if you want this to work you are going to have to talk to him calmly and explain that you're finding it quite hard and that you will need to find time asap to go through his things or look at putting them in storage and agree that you have certain expectations on cleanliness if he uses dishes etc.
He is probably still finding his feet in terms of what he can and can't do in what is your home, not his.
Secondly, and I hope this doesn't sound harsh but it sounds like you have asked him to move in, give up his life, family and friends and move over 100 miles into your home but your expectation is that there isn't a trace of him. You don't want to see his things, you don't want him to sit next to you when you are watching things on your laptop, you want him to live in your house without being able to speak with authority to your kids. I am not understanding why you would want to live with him under those conditions. It sounds miserable for all involved and pretty unrealistic to sustain in the long run.

I say this as someone who moved a man in with me and my kids, who came with a lot of stuff. It has taken us years to sort through it, bin some, sell some, find space for the rest. Also doing the same with my belongings so that its not just his possessions that were disposable. We have had to work really hard to make things work and find a way of living that works for everyone including the kids.

Oh please just get rid of him, of course you can, it's easier now rather than further down the line. Nothing is worth disrupting your (and your childrens) own peace and sanity. Sounds like he's wormed his way in.

It sounds like he wouldn't be able to talk to you from the other sofa because you're sat plugged into headphones. The whole thing is just dysfunctional. How on earth were you able to raise children if you have to be cut off from everyone gaming and watching YouTube all the time?

@whatdidididido how did you not discuss any of this before him moving in?

I don't get it.

But I still don't see how you expect another adult to move in and be your partner but not sit anywhere near you.

It'd all very well and good having a house guest stay etc, you're kinda all on your best behaviour but moving in is just so different.

Can't you just speak to him about all this?

Not sure why you are getting such a hard time about the living room OP . DH and I have been married more than 30 years and I don’t remember the last time we both sat on the sofa together ! We like our own armchairs or I sometimes curl up on the 2 seater . I often watch stuff on TV that DH doesn’t like so he sticks on his headphones and watches something on his tablet .

I am surprised by all of the posters who are putting this all on him.

Knew somebody would be. The 'what about the poor men' posts are something to behold on this site of late, irrespective of how many liberties they take.

he has given up his job, his home and moved away from friends and family for you

He hasn't given up his job. He's moved it to OP's area. And the move away from friends and family was for him. It suits his situation and his pocket better, and if his current behaviour is any indication (spoiler: it is) then he wanted an unpaid skivvy into the bargain.

and you won’t even give up some of your space on the sofa or make an effort to spend some time in the evening together.

People can live together without being in each other's pockets. Just reading the OP made me feel claustrophobic. A lot of people need their space and don't want to be touched all the time.

from what you have posted he was just parroting you.

It's okay when she says it. She's her mother. It's not okay when the bloke who moved in barely five minutes ago says it, particularly when it was a condition of that move that he not assume any disciplinary role in respect of OP's children. Also, 15-year-old girls are notoriously awkward and recalcitrant - what exactly did he think would be the outcome?

were you willing to compromise on anything at all?

OP's updates clearly indicate that she's already compromised a good deal. The further this man gets his feet under the table, the more this story risks resembling the myriad others on this site with lazy men assuming their partners are going to take on a role of mother-meets-waitress who provides sex on tap. And there's nothing sexually attractive or appealing about such a man.

OP's 'D'P just showed her what a future living with him is going to look like: thankfully conveniently early. Now would be a good time to believe him.

So you didn’t expect life to be different when you lived together every day?

You expected your routines to not change and him hang out in the bedroom?

You sitting in the main living room with headphones on is really anti social.

You decided you wanted him to move in, but hes not allowed his stuff and he has to sit in another room away from you and pay rent?

Did you want a partner or a lodger?

I get the amount of furniture is a pain but that's a discussion to have about selling it etc. And yes, a kick up the arse about the washing up is needed but don't people talk about stuff anymore or is it all just ltb?

And he not allowed to tell your dd to get ready? She can't cope with someone else other than you telling her to do something? Very bizarre.

But you seem to have made your mind up.