I think ive fucked everything up

“Paying 2 sets of living expenses just seemed silly.” is not a reason to move in together.

The whole setup sounds bizarre. A relationship based on gaming, headphones and not a whole lot else it seems.

@TwinklyAmberOrca
She can't. He's pissed off to sulk upstairs. Says it all really.

@whatdidididido

You need to have this conversation with him, not on here.

Bullet point on paper WHAT is not working, along with a suggested solution to each point.

Discuss the solutions with him and come up with agreements to each point.

Oh dear. That's very poor on his part. Just tell him what you've told us. I've already said that I think the lack of clearing up is unacceptable, but it's obviously not going to work for other reasons, too . Good luck 🤞

Nice of him to make the decision easier by behaving like a sulky toddler.

Onwards and upwards OP you will be fine.

I was wondering how you see this relationship? Do you love him? Fancy him? See marriage?
I was on my own for 6 years after my marriage and met a lovely guy who treats me amazingly. Like you it seemed daft financially not to live together so he moved in early this year. I love having him here and any little things that have popped up we have just chatted and agreed. I still find it exciting to spend time with him and we laugh, talk and share the house easily.

Sounds like he just gives you the ick. It will just get worse if you already resent him, you should be in the romance phase! Ask him to make arrangements to move out when he can, no point in taking the help practically and financially off a bloke if you end up that you can’t stand him. Good luck

Maybe bash out some specifics and put them to him?

Then see how it goes?

The no attempt to clean up isn't great,

OP, you are absolutely not being unreasonable. You sound exceptionally self-aware and astute. Perhaps because of your job? Little wonder you need to destress by having a no-touch zone around you physically and a bit of mental escapism through your hobby. As others have said, it’s not you who has made the mistake. Your partner/boyfriend misrepresented himself. If he had demonstrated an equal, or even vaguely similar, amount of honesty and awareness as you then the situation wouldn’t have arisen. If he’d told you how he actually would behave then would you have agreed to him moving in? Can’t see it myself. You’ve done and are doing nothing wrong. (And what kind of filthy minger leaves a mess for someone else to clean up? Knowing what he knows about your working pattern? Yuk. And disrespectful).

You have nothing to defend. You have the right to live in your home in a way which works for you. You explained the boundaries clearly and he has trampled on all of them.

Ask him to move out, this isn't going to work. And don't blame yourself sometimes moving in together is a step too far for a relationship.

You haven't fucked up. You tried something that failed. I think you should just say look, I can't do the living together arrangements so let's just do it living separately again for now. A bit of a soft let down. It must be hard after 10 years in your own routine. I feel for you so much. Be kind to yourself you didn't know this would happen x

I’m with you, OP, and was from the getgo. It’s not hard. You aren’t unreasonable!

"Of course i do. I also know i need space to destress after my job and do something i enjoy. I dont see how knowing my boundaries and needs is a bad thing, even if these boundaries and needs are outside of what society deems as "normal". I work a job where performing CPR, multiple times, every shift, is deemed normal. Where i see people, of all ages, from newborn to over 100 pass away, sometimes in the most traumatic of ways. Where i deal with the aftermath for families, provide support and comfort, provide information on what they do next having just been through the most awful thing a person can face.
*
I cope with that by distraction, by being in my own comfort space, by doing something i enjoy, by chatting and laughing with people who are similar to me. A hobby i have enjoyed since i was a child with my own parents, and now as an adult with like minded people. Needing that time and space is not a measure of how well i manage a relationship. It's how i manage.*"

I'm sad you have to defend yourself like this. People are idiots.

Ive said now multiple times sharing space is fine, its the one small area a few times a week when i need the space to destress and relax i need to be able to do it without being touched and constantly watched

It's a bit bloody weird that some people just aren't getting this. How hard is it to understand and be kind about a person's very specific and not at all unreasonable needs?
I can't bear being observed and touched while I'm busy doing something else. And my down time is not negotiable. I would not tolerate someone invading that!
It's hardly as if you're new to each other. He knew who you were. More fool him. I'm annoyed for you just reading this thread.

I think your comment sounds a bit soulless.

Uou need to give up OP, most people on this thread struggle with basic reading comprehension and you have explained the same thing over and over.
I totally get it, you had an agreement, he said fuck it and did whatever suited him without agreeing. I think you need to sit down and have a conversation about it- he will either need to get rid of some of the stuff, or find another place to live, or find storage to put stuff away.
Life will not be the same now you share and some thing you will both need to work on, but for now it seems you are the only one compromising and he is the only one benefitting.

OP,
do either of you actually know how to have a relationship?
Whole thing comes across as completely souless to me.

Yes OP. You're going to have to give him the news that it's not working for you. And you're not sure if it's going to work ever.

I'd not be able to cope personally. I'd want him out, for good and back to how things were.

Or the compromise is he gets a place by himself in your town but you say he can't afford it.

I couldn't be doing with having someone ontop of me like that, esp if you work nights in a draining job. I would want to scream. I need space.

Yes, you’ve made a mistake but it’s nothing that can’t be fixed.
Explain that it’s not working for you to live together and give him a date to move out by.

It is what it is.

You can't stand things as they are, so you think about what a healthy compromise would be for you both, suggest it and then see where you are.

It's awful - it feels like a play for dominance over your daughter AND yourself. You had already let her know the situation. Then he had to reinforce what you said, adding a whole other element of coercion & potential threat (don't come downstairs til you do your hair - or what?). As if what you had said wasn't going to be effective unless he added his authoritative command.
It's not ok at all and he needs to be told. In the moment is ideal with this kind of thing - maybe come up with some phrases you can use if it happens again so you aren't left scrambling for something to say.
Eg
"We agreed you would not parent my kids - that was out of line"
"You do not have the authority to make decisions about what my daughter is or isn't allowed to do"
"What makes you think either DD or I needed that?"

And if you're feeling really tetchy... "Don't go playing the parent here. If anyone here is acting like an irresponsible teen who needs correcting, it's the person who left dishes in the sink for two days.'

When did you send him this text? Was it today having posted on here, or is it something you have communicated to him before today and he's not responded/acted upon it?

Obviously it's fine that you don't want him to parent but even if you did, what he said was way out of line. He's trying to throw his weight around with her.