Was what DP said out of order

The writing's on the wall, op. I hope you read it.

Recently I just feel rubbish about myself like yea why can I not just stop it Why can you not just stop having ADHD? Is that what you’re asking yourself? Uhm, because it’s a medical condition and not just a case of bad manners?

There is no possible scenario where what he said was anything other than bloody awful and a massive warning of what is waiting down the line if you stay with this man.

*He has used your trauma to hurt you.
He has minimised what your ex did to you by calling it a reaction, rather than abuse, He has justified your ex’s abuse by suggesting that you deserved it
*He has implied that he understands why your ex abused you (leading any rational person to wonder whether he’d behave the same in the future)
*He has told you that you setting out your feelings is ‘argumentative’ rather than listening to you

He is not a good man.

'So when we were talking DP said I had been argumentative and I said I felt I had not I was just stating my feelings'.

I saw an Instagram post the other day that said:

'Avoid people who always consider you expressing how you feel as arguing. That's called gaslighting. They do this so they don't have to take accountability for their own behaviour.'

He found your court case stressful because your attention was not fully on him. What's he like with your birthdays?

OP, this man isn't good for you. Please get away. Imagine making your girlfriend's DV court case about you and moaning about how it stresses you out! Again, fuck him.

The revictimisation rate for DV survivors is something like 30% for a reason.
Unfortunately we often seek what we know due to finding it comforting and attractive and toxic people give sharp dopamine spikes that survivors have been conditioned to crave.

I could not get past this comment. It is the worst thing you could ever say to a survivor and would be relationship ending for me.

There is no justification for domestic violence or emotional/psychological abuse

I'm so sorry OP. His mask fell and you got a glimpse of the real man beneath it. Yes, i think you can be reasonably confident that at least part of him thinks you were partly responsible for your ex's behaviour, that you exaggerated it and/or drove him to it and then franed yourself as a victim. So many men seem to secretly harbour these views but its beyond tragic that you have ended up with one after all you've survived. I really don't know where you go from there tbh as its a massive reveal about him.

I hadn't seen this post, but it is spot on.

This. Not only is he nasty, it's a threat.

Please don't feel silly @Pinkflamingo1122 , he didn't come wearing a badge saying abuser, they never do, it can happen to any of us

I can understand the feelings of worry that your DC will be upset but please don't let that feeling persuade you to put up with the abuse any longer (the longer you leave it the harder it will get). I would be honest with your DC, in an age appropriate way obviously, and hopefully you'll be able to give them happy times just you and them, with no doubting about fannybaws and his twattish behaviour and the confidence of being your own person

He doesn't sound great overall, but that? Fuck him.

So when we were talking DP said I had been argumentative and I said I felt I had not I was just stating my feelings. Dp then said "were you like this with you ex, always argumentative and that's why he reacted the way he did"

What he said was out of order even if you were being argumentative.
Chances are you and DP have been argumentative now and then as you have both been arguing.

He has really put his mouth in it and sounds like he is very clueless about domestic abuse and how your trauma means you have low tolerance for friction in a relationship. That you are not as thick skinned as a woman who has never been abused.

I am glad he immediately apologised for what he said.

It’s up to you if this is a final straw or not. It doesn’t have to be. He sounds more clueless than malicious. The prior relationship will affect this one with your DP and it may be a bump you can both navigate.

maybe in the moment you were being arguementative, however your partner chose the wrong words to express what he was trying to say!

rather than pick up on this one comment, you need to look at why you are bickering, because thats really where the problem lies.

not many people understand what its like to be in an abusive relationship, and for me, it was easier to argue and start a fight, take the beating and then we could move to the making up stage! it was wrong and i am thankfully no longer in that relationship, but even with my DH, i sometimes fall back into those 'fight or flight' actions as they are so ingrained into me now.

Sorry that he's shown his true colours OP, when you dump him be sure to tell people why before he gets his narrative in.

Some men will side with other men above the women they profess to care about. He’s let slip that he thinks it’s ok to be abusive if the woman deserves it or is asking for it.

Get out of there and don’t look back.

I think he has told you what you need to know. I'd be out of there. You deserve someone who treats you well and doesn't use your past trauma against. you.

Do you live with him? That comment would have finished it for me.

There are quite a few red flags @Pinkflamingo1122 -

• him using what you shared with him when you trusted him against you later, to bring you down a peg or two, whatever his reason was;
• highs and lows in a relatively short relationship, that's why things have been fine for a while then you have a feeling of unease (they build you up solely to knock you down, and each knock down is more soul destroying than the last);
• not taking responsibility for hurting you (that's because it was intentional);
• your feeling of confusion.

They appear so loving some of the time, when everything is lovely you can't possibly think the bad thing they did was intentional, your lovely soulmate wouldn't do that! But he did - it is intentional. They keep your head filled with them all of the time so you can't see their behaviour for what it is, the confusion you feel is created by them. It's easy for outsiders who have experience or knowledge of these behaviours to see because we haven't had the 'pleasure' of his charming side.

You said it already doesn't feel quite right and now he's slipped and shown that he thinks it's ok to behave abusively as long as you "deserve" it.

Listen to your gut.

agree with @Shoutinglagerlagerlager

either way, he knew it would upset you.

What a nasty thing to say, even in anger. He’s showed his true self OP. You deserve better