To call out friend on 'body positivity' delusion?

Just because OP didn't mean to upset her doesn't mean its OK. It a breach of trust. Gas lighting is real and so are its effects, even if "not meant". Thing is, the friend of OP can get thin anytime she wants, just soon as she gets there. OP and others on here I fear, are stuck with those self excusing, mean natures for good.

If you're concerned about her offer help. Why you'd want to call her out infront of other friends?...adding to her pain...I just don't know.

Belief is an interesting thing. She's deluded herself into believing she's fine. She isn't.

You believe that this is not good for her health or her future.

You both have a right to your own opinion, and to speak it.

And to react to what others say.

I'd leave it as 'that's my opinion, my belief, my view. I appreciate we don't have the same beliefs on that subject and we won't be changing each others' minds any time soon.'

If you value the friendship, I'd leave it at that. If she prods and tries to persuade, say 'you know my views on that' and let it go.

If she tries to extract an apology, you could choose to pander to the delusion and give it.

But I would go with the often-criticised 'It's not my intention to hurt your feelings. I'm sorry you feel that way.

However it is my belief that you are harming yourself and as I value our friendship, I can't lie to you about this.

So I must draw the line at apologising for speaking my belief'.

If she decides she doesn't want to continue being friends, so be it.

I was massively overweight (skinny kid, got very fat in my 30s). My mother and many others told me I was fat. It didn't bother me them saying this as they were stating the TRUTH. People cannot take facts nowadays so we have to pussy foot around which makes the issues worse. Everyone has to be seen as a victim whether overweight, alcoholic, druggy, whatever.

Anyway after years of being overweight I got down to a normal weight and still struggle with it. Whilst I would never call anyone fat, if I am fat feel free to call me fat, I won't hide from the facts even if others prefer to.

A friend of mine told me I was overweight, not healthy and didn't look great. I lost two stone and was thankful they were honest.

I think that you framed it as being concerned for her health rather than trying to shame her, and why shouldn't you be concerned? If she was drinking heavily or taking drugs or had another eating disorder like bulimia or anorexia, or had obvious mental health issues, you wouldn't be told you should leave her to sort herself out.

It’s a tricky one but on balance I’d like to think you were right to say something because she keeps bringing the topic up. And also because this isn’t just someone carrying a few extra stone, this is very extreme - she sounds over twice her recommended body weight if she’s heavier than 21 stone and the health risks are massive. I’m the same height and when I was her age I was about 9 stone.

I’d be really worried about her and would make clear to her I wasn’t going to go on about it but I just wanted to let her know I had my concerns and I’d be there for her if she needed any help. I suspect there’s some underlying issues.

If she knew she had an issue that’s different, I’d say nothing in that case unless she asked for advice.

But I think in this situation it’s especially worrying she’s increasingly deluding herself that she’s healthy and she keeps bringing this topic up of her version of “body positivity” to try and get everyone on board to validate her choices .I think when you constantly bring up a topic with your friends you are effectively opening up a topic up for debate.

As you’ve said yourself - it wasn’t the right time to do it though. One on one would’ve been much better. But I don’t think what you actually said was wrong.

I’m 5ft 2 and right now I’m a size 10/12 but a few years ago I was a size 16 which really shocked me. I was on holiday with some friends and found myself struggling badly walking up a hill while they both were fine. As someone who was a sporty kid and had been active most of my life going to the gym, walking lots (as I’ve never had a car) this was very worrying to me. It was during the pandemic and I’d just became so sedentary and coupled with my eating habits my weight rocketed. That was one of the incidents that actually triggered my weight loss journey.

I think that this is a good approach.

It shows you care about her that you are worrying about what said.
Maybe have a coffee 1-1 and explain you didn’t mean to upset her but you could see how much she struggled on holiday and are worried about her and take it from there.

Let's be honest, all these "body positivity!" girls who are massively overweight, are the exact people who AREN'T in love with their bodies, but are trying to justify it to themselves.

The thing is, EVERYONE knows it's not healthy to be a size 30. It just isn't.

I have a very similar friend (I wonder if she's the same one?) We've known her since Year 7 and she's always been a big girl. She did lose loads in her early 20s and was almost unrecognisable, but now she's a size 30 at least. And is no height, so she's almost spherical. But she does take real care of herself. Hair, skin, nails, make-up, clothes are always lovely and perfect. She's got a beautiful personality as well, and is the loveliest person.
But I've never ever mentioned her weight to her. Because she doesn't need me to tell her. Mirrors, scales and doctors can do that.

While you weren't wrong per se to express your worries about her weight, doing it in front of a group of others, albeit friends, was badly timed.

The general rule I stick to, is that unless someone asks for my opinion on their body size, clothes, hair, anything, then I won't say a word unless it's to compliment them.
So with my big friend, the only comments I make are "Oh, your nails are cute!" Or "Those shoes are fantastic!"

I could never imagine bringing up such a sensitive matter in the confrontational way you did with my best friends for years.

There are so many ways you could have shown genuine concern and help.

Sometimes we need to hear certain things said out loud to us to give us the push to change.
OPs friend obviously knows she isn’t a healthy weight and it sounds like she is burying her head in the sand and using the body positivity movement to justify her weight.
Of course everyone should love themselves no matter what size they are but if we truly love ourselves it also means we work hard on self improvement, not ignoring the problem and letting it get out of hand.
I don’t believe OP has done anything wrong, her friend repeatedly brought it up and OP was honest with her. I understand it’s a tricky situation and I don’t think there is a right way to deal with it, if we sit by and say nothing in situations like this then we are just allowing our loved ones to self destruct, not everyone is able to find the will power to make healthy choices or see where they are going wrong by themselves.

@Cerealkiller4U Oh give over, you can buy size 30 clothes at loads of places.

Lots of health issues are unavoidable and cost money to treat.

A size 30?!?!

I don’t ever think I’ve seen that? Where does she get her clothes?!??

I think you were fine to say what you did. You didn’t bring it up out of blue she raised her difficulty with walking and looking after self.
I can see why holiday would have brought things to a head. I had similar on a weekend break. We usually socialise sitting in house. It wasn’t nice to see impact on them - couldn’t walk, needing painkillers, lots of sitting not exploring. Gave me a real jolt as I didn’t realise how restricted they were.

If she mentions it again or brings up the fact you upset her, OP, I’d apologise for upsetting her and say you’re worried about her health and, although you understand it did upset her, you care about her too much to not say anything. Then say you’re happy to support her in improving her health and in finding the right support mechanisms for her as an individual.

Leave it at that and hopefully the thought will grow in her and she’ll seek help.

I don't think you were unreasonable at all.

She brought it up and you were honest with her. Part of loving a person is being concerned about them and being honest about something that's harming them. I also think you said it as kindly as possible.

Be patient with her now and support her efforts if she needs you to once she gets over the hurt and into action (probably).

I personally would never have said it because its not my place to hurt someone or embarrass them. You're correct in your thoughts, but I wouldnt have vocalised them. Even worse in front of people. I'm sure she knows herself how much she struggles and how much she can't get around the place very well in comparison to the rest of you.

I feel that the body positivity movement can actually be really damaging in instances like this where people bury their heads in the sand and/or are made to feel like something is wrong with them if they don’t wholeheartedly love their bodies. But I don’t think calling her out in the group was the way to do it, it never ends well. Deep down she’ll know that she’s messing her body up but blind positivity and support is currently the only socially acceptable way to behave in many things at the moment, anyone who deviates is seen as shaming or phobic. Pick your battles, it’s probably not worth it sadly.

Perhaps she’s a tad peeved that you said all this when you had an audience of fellow perfect figured women. If you’re gonna call people out you do it in private. If she’s happy with her size who is anyone to tell her otherwise, it’s her body and her health.

True, but like alcoholics overweight people have huge life changing long term, sometimes fatal health issues, affecting both them, their familes and eventually the wider population who end up funding their care, health conditions which by and large are avoidable.

I am a similar size to your friend, @treesandflowers95, and I would guess she does know that her weight is not healthy. She isn't deluding herself about it, she is trying to make herself feel better about it.

On the wider subject of body positivity - I think it is a complex issue. Speaking personally, I know that one of the biggest reasons that I struggle to look after myself (dieting to lose weight) is that I hate myself, and despise myself for my weakness, lack of will power, weight gain etc - and when you don't like someone even a little bit, it is very hard to care enough about them to look after them properly - if that makes sense.

So anything that makes me feel worse about myself, makes it harder for me to care for myself enough to take any of the steps that will help me. I used to have a friend who basically said it was absolutely fair that I didn't have a big range of nice clothes to choose from because of my weight - because that might spur me to lose some weight - but all it did was make me feel even more unattractive and unlovable, and less likely to look after myself.

But equally, blind acceptance that being very overweight is absolutely fine and to be celebrated isn't the best message either.

Maybe the timing wasn't ideal but it sounds like it came up naturally rather than you choosing to bring it up in front of others for maximum hurt (which is what some PPs seem to be insinuating).

Maybe this will be the push she needs to realise that she can't keep explaining things away as being anything other than weight-related or maybe she's so entrenched in her thinking that it will make no difference. Or maybe she'll fall somewhere between the two and fade you out because you've pointed out the elephant in the room and she wants to get back to ignoring it.

Either way, you shouldn't have to play along with her delusions.

And YY to the "body positive" movement having a lot to answer for. Sure, make people realise that their body is worth looking after regardless of their starting point. But all this "I can be healthy at a size 30" is ridiculous.