To call out friend on 'body positivity' delusion?

I imagine it's harder now to stay within the parameters that there's more Western food than before? I watched a programme on it, think it was where they took very overweight people to different countries to see how people ate. It was interesting.

Fair enough to be privately worried, but unless she brings up being unhappy with her weight or wanting to discuss what you said before, I would (and I say this kindly) mind your own business. A topic to be avoided in future.

if you go on about it to her you risk her ending the friendship.

Interesting article here about the rise of eating disorders in Japan, including this quote: <The pressure to remain slim is even government-mandated, with 2008’s controversial “Metabo law” requiring those aged 40–75 to stay within certain waist measurements, or see their employers slapped with a fine.>

That is really interesting @BeretRaspberry . What she is describing is essentially what I am doing, sort of resetting how I view food and learning not to eat if I am not hungry.
The scoop of ice cream example was definitely me, if there were biscuits/cake etc at work and I had one, this would lead to several, so I avoid sugary things and don't have one. Weirdly I find it far easier to not have one, than just have one IYSWIM ?
I do think being honest with yourself is essential. I use to kid myself that I had a 'big' appetite, what I actually meant was that I could physically eat very large portions, even when I was no longer hungry and past the point of being comfortably full. I actually rarely feel hungry now, even though I have naturally cut my calorie consumption by more than half, this might sound like a lot but my average daily intake was around the 3500 mark. 3500 sound's a lot, but is remarkably easy to hit without a great deal of effort depending on what you are eating and drinking. It was also a lot more than my body needed with a sedentary lifestyle.
I don't necessarily think of what I am doing as a 'diet', to me a diet is what someone like the speaker in your clip does when they want to shed a few pounds, a restrictive eating pattern. I prefer to look at my dietary changes as a way of making my life easier. Like @treesandflowers95 friend I was finding even simple day to day tasks, like putting on socks, going up stairs and walking even short distances, very hard work. That is not healthy.

@treesandflowers95 you sound lovely and its obvious you care about your friend. Like your friend I was in denial for a long time, not even denial really, I knew I was morbidly obese and I felt the impact of that every day. Very few people put 10 stone on over the course of a couple of months, it usually takes us a few years, and we grow to ( pardon the pun ! ) work around the weight gain both physically and mentally, we buy bigger clothes, take the lift, park closer, stop doing things that make us uncomfortable, blame it on hormones, genetics, biology, society etc. We make the jokes before others have the opportunity. And then one day you wake up and realise that the only person with any power to change the situation is yourself !

She will know what her Dr has really said and will know deep down that you (and maybe others in your group) care about her and her health - she may still delude herself but she may, just may, pause and think about it. You will have given her that thought. Hopefully it might at least spur her to do something even if it's privately.

Patients can claim their doctor or therapist etc. has said absolutely anything, and you will never find out the truth due to confidentiality. She could have had a doctor say 'look, your weight is likely to kill you in the next ten years if you don't start losing weight now. You're approaching a point now where the damage will be long term even if you do lose some weight. This has become a matter of urgency' and gone home and told her bopo buddies the GP said she was in perfect health and weight isn't related to health at all.

At best, the GP might have said something like 'you're not currently showing any overt symptoms of diabetes/heart disease etc., however that doesn't mean the damage isn't taking place where we can't see it'.

Regardless, you can't change what she does and you should be proud you at least tried to say something. Unfortunately there's nothing anyone can do but her.

Yeah they're not ok but it's not up to OP to condescendingly tell them they struggled to walk up a hill because they're fat. The friend knows this ffs.

Such strong feelings about other people's choices. What are you projecting?

i can understand your concern. Although what I find bewildering is that your friend will be FULLY aware of her weight/risks and probably feels a huge amount of shame. It’s like people don’t realise that overweight people are aware. Of course they are but there will be complicated reasons/difficulties that mean that’s just the weight they are. The body positivity will be a way of coping. She doesn’t need someone pointing out what she already knows. Patronising and so so so hard to hear. I say this as someone who is overweight.

Nothing more to do then OP. It looks like your friend is successfully deluding herself. And only hearing what she wants to hear from the doctor.

The people that enable this kind of delusion should be ashamed though.

I think you're the one with a problem. Just give her options and a timetable; 'I'm planning to get out early - shall we meet at such and such at whatever time?' Perhaps gently help her along the health path re exercise with something she may enjoy e.g swimming. I'm small myself and well aware of 'skinny privilege'.

She will know, she is obviously not being truthful with her friend. Likely a defence mechanism. Now that they have made their peace OP should just butt out.

I'm a little bit shocked by some of these comments.

Dr Joshua Wolrich is exploiting this body positivity movement is he! What a load of absolute crap.

OP, you clearly really care about your friend, it's such a difficult subject but I cannot believe she doesn't know how overweight she is.

Does she live in a house without mirrors? I did for a year or 2 and put on nearly 2 stone when I was a teenager. It was only when I looked in my mums full length bedroom mirror one day I realised how big I'd got!

This thread reminds me of a program what was on BBC or C4... I forget. A group of obese/morbidly obese people spent a week or so together in a posh mansion, and were encouraged to talk about weight issues etc.

The most vocal of the group was the skinniest (but still big), who was telling people 3 times her weight that they were beautiful and "didn't need to change". She refused to use the word 'fat' and any attempt at anyone expressing health concerns was shot down by her with comments about being ableist. She refused to believe that being big can make you unwell.

I’m glad that your friendship is back to normal @treesandflowers95 and I agree with others that it’s best not to discuss weight going forward. Given that your friend is only 28, I’m not surprised that her health is fine, her body’s young and hasn’t been carrying this much excess weight for very many years.

Like @Temporaryname158 ’s friend my SIL was fine for years until she had a health emergency at 42. Since then, her breathing has worsened, she was diagnosed with sleep apnea last year and she’s struggling to walk up the six steps from her basement. Her parents in their 80’s go up those steps more easily. At 47, her body simply isn’t coping as well.

I hope that your friend does manage to make some positive changes in the next few years and knows that you’ll support her. 💐

As a plus size gal size 28, she knows deep down she’s unhealthy. Shes just trying to make herself feel better with the positivity, but trust me…deep down she knows. The laughing on the plane will be defence humour. Trying to get your friends to agree with how long and steep the walk is will be to hide her embarrassment. The comments about it not mattering what you weigh will be a defence mechanism, I don’t think deep down she will truly believe it.

I would be inclined to just change the subject, just nod and smile and say something else…if you feel awkward doing that then maybe it’s time to stop hanging out as often…it’s super sensitive, so it’s hard. Maybe you could say you fancied swimming or something low impact, see if she fancies joining. Maybe you could have her and your girlfriends over for a dinner party, make it a regular thing and tell your other girlfriends to cook healthy but satisfying meals. Slimline tonic, diet lemonade and coke, vodka etc instead of wine and beer and sugary cocktails. You don’t have to mention weight loss. However I fear that now you’ve said what you’ve said she will now know what you think and none of the gentle encouragement will work.

i dont think you should’ve said anything. I’m sorry. She will likely have GP’s and probably family commenting on her weight and how it’s too much. I know some friends see it as caring, but in my opinion, a friend should never critique a friends looks unless it’s something they can change within a minute (ie lipstick on teeth)

I can see you don’t agree with her thoughts, but I would’ve just changed the subject.

Essentially, it’s up to her if she decides to lose weight. Encourage her if she starts to, but don’t tell her to/tell her she’s unhealthy, even if it’s kindly meant imo. You’re her friend, but it’s not your place.

OP, I'm really sorry that you're so worried (for good reason) about your friend. I don't have any advice for you, but wishing you all the best.

I disagree with the cosmetic surgery comparison, but even going along with it, surely you see a difference between having one procedure done and having fifty? The latter is surely a sign of an underlying problem, probably mental health related. Same difference between being overweight and being morbidly obese. If someone ends up 600 pounds then they're not ok.

You have been out with your friend and smoothed the waters so I’d step back now. You’ve made it clear the walk was not difficult and she would have been able to see others managing it without fuss.

sadly there is nothing you can do unless she stops this body positivity mindset.

my very positive friend who was size 32 (but a lot taller than your friend) and also claimed to be fit, was ok until the day she wasn’t, and is now disabled due to her weight, unable to walk, work or have a life. It’s very sad but if her own making

Because of biology. I’ve posted this before but this neuroscientist with a PhD explains it well.

But most doctors know that maintaining weight loss long term is impossible for the majority of the population

And why is that ? Usually because peoples expectations are far higher than their ability to commit to them long term. That is possibly where your Dr Wolrich comes in, by managing expectations ? I know I cannot reverse 14 years of abuse in a short period of time in a sustainable manner. I know I can reverse 14 years of abuse over a much longer period of time in a sustainable way and that is what I am doing. It does involve losing weight, because that is what will have the most impact on my health and my ability to function in day to day life and as I age.

Thanks for updating.

You've said your piece @treesandflowers95 , and she has decided that she is fine as she is.

I don't think there's anymore you can do. If she does run into serious health issues, then I am sure hed appreciate you being there for her.

You see so many people dieting who have a ‘goal weight’ and it can seem insurmountable if it’s a huge amount weight that they need to lose.

This is very true ! to be in a healthy BMI I need to lose another 9 stone. I am not focusing on that figure though, I am focusing on getting into the 19 stone something bracket, once I hit that I will focus on the getting into the 18 stone bracket. I spent 14 years eating myself into this position, I don't expect to hit sub 12 stone for a good while yet, and there will be times where I will stick at a weight for a while, but if I continue to feed my body the food it needs for health and move around a bit more, these plateau's will pass.

But most doctors know that maintaining weight loss long term is impossible for the majority of the population. So telling you to eat well, increase exercise etc etc would still be valid even if you didn’t lose weight.