To ask if you stayed with your husband with depression?

Sending love. I haven't solved this for myself... living with a partner with anxiety and depression who has also tackled alcohol issues . I'm staying because I'm keeping it all on an even keel and it's nicer for the kids I think but it's hard. If wr had no kids I'd be gone x

"I suspect that men are a lot more likely to leave a relationship in this situation than are women."

What I meant by this is that I think a man would leave his depressed wife more readily than a woman would leave her depressed husband.

I did - but it was touch and go for a while. He was refusing to acknowledge there was even a problem let alone seek treatment and after 6-7 years of it, I was the one being treated for depression.

Very long story short - I ended up giving him the 'shape up or ship out' talk. I think in his case that along with the depression there was a habit of just being 'down' and frankly obnoxious. It was a case of putting on my own oxygen mask in order to help others, ie our DD. His depression did improve and we are still together. But I've made it clear - if it happens again - I'm out. It nearly killed me and if I'd known of MN at the time, I would have long gone. To this day, I don't think he realises how shitty the whole period was.

There is absolutely no value in the whole family being pulled down by someone who is so unpleasant - you have a responsibility, a greater responsibility to your child.

My view is - illness brings out the real personality. Pain, whether physical or mental is tiring and prolonged pain all the more so.

It's interesting you give the example of husbands leaving a wife with a cancer diagnosis would be flamed if they asked the same question. probably so, but it really is a thing - many husbands do leave wives who have cancer, and they would never ask anyone.

I suspect that men are a lot more likely to leave a relationship in this situation than are women.

My BF and her partner split up due to his MH and he is much happier and healthier now that he has fewer responsibilities in life. She is still pretty scarred by the experience.

i stayed but it was very hard for extended periods of time. He was in and out of hospital when the kids were very young as it became extreme. Other times not so extreme but these were actually harder to understand and manage. He is now on quite a mild anti depressant and stays level with some dips. I know the signs before he does. Try to work them out if you haven’t. His are excessive cleaning (at least I have a clean house!), Agree with poster about having a shell and also very clear boundaries. Mine were/are around alcohol and I have asked him to leave the house when he has crossed a boundary. I have to force him to communicate well in good times so we are prepared if depression drags him down. My family all know about it which helps. At the worst times, I felt responsible and ashamed. You must never feel this and if you do, seek support. I had free counselling and it was life changing. Lots of love and solidarity x

If you're not happy you can leave still. Life is short

I left. He spent years suffering with depression, deciding the meds didn't work or didn't like them, randomly stopping the meds but not telling me. Then falling back into a spiral of depression. This went on for years. Got fed up of the silent treatment/moods, excessive sleeping, not wanting to do anything etc. His depression was making me depressed. In the end it was me leaving (for my own sanity!) that caused him to seek proper help.

My husband has had a few episodes of depression and our marriage survived. I think it's because he accepted counselling. Even though I had to push really hard for him to accept it first time. He only did it as I convinced him it was best for our child. I suggest you get a book Why Women Talk and Men Walk. It has a chapter Why Women Leave and within it a section on what untreated male depression does to a marriage. I hope it helps

Whilst on the surface you could be called heartless, I think it's completely understandable to feel how you do especially when he turns nasty towards you.

Has your dh made any attempt to see doctors, get help etc?

You have to find your own source of happiness, and try not to either get dragged down by his moods, or make yourself responsible for them. I find mindfulness type techniques helpful for that- noticing and taking pleasure in the small things around you. And try and find the right balance of when to drag him out of himself and insist that he leaves the house and does something fun, and when to leave him to it- and that depends on your needs, not just his.

It can be hard, and frustrating, and lonely. And it can feel counterintuitive to grow a shell against the unhappiness of someone you love. But I think you have to, to an extent.

Is he having treatment/open to treatment?

I did stay, and it did get better (although it's always at the back of my mind that it might come back and dh didn't really deal with it in a healthy way).

Men do seem particularly prone to not engaging in management of their own health and part of being a family, imo, is that you try to stay as well as you can for the sake of all of you.