To ask if you stayed with your husband with depression?

My situation right now, unfortunately we have come to the end. Been together for 20 years, have young teen children. Was the life and soul of a party when I met him, a bad boy, the opposite to me. Over time depression took over which we were both unaware of, he literally had a personality change and became antisocial and grumpy.
After covid things spiralled and he had a complete breakdown and was nearly sectioned. He still sees his mental health team at our house every week, it was that serious. He is heavily medicated but even now the slightest thing will set him into a depression again.
I feel like I have almost single handedly raised our 2 children. He has no connection with our son at all. He doesn't come out anywhere with us. We see his family without him. We even go on holiday without him. He is just in the background.
His family and my family are aware. Others around us who don't know comment on his lack of involvement and why doesn't he go out. We've had to tell neighbours he's chronically ill as they were gossiping about why he's off work and why people come to our house every week.
He stopped working 2 years ago, he was the high earner and was still climbing the career ladder. He is still off work now , on disability benefits and has no intention of going back.
I cannot believe this is our life now and I am quite frankly sick of it. We have lived like this for years now and my kids have suffered so much not having an involved dad. The resent in me is now off the scale and I have lot all of my feelings for him. I feel sorry for him but he's not the same person anymore and our family is suffering so much because of him so that is the end for us now. Sorry for long post

Hi, my example I feel is extreme but wanted to share. My exhusband (so our marriage didn't survive) had poor mental health starting with anxiety and depression. I left him after 5 years and I wish I went earlier.

He did try to get help but would often not follow the advice. He lost his job and couldn't find another which compounded his mental health issues. We could cope in my wage at first. He would do nothing all day and wonder why I was so fed up to come home after 13 hour days to a messy/dirty house - but due to his mental health issues.

Then he started drinking and his behaviour became really nasty. It was all my fault. I
Made him ill. Suicide threats. Eventually becoming physical - pushing and shoving.

At this point I left. I wish I had left about 3 years earlier

My uncle has suffered from depression all his life (family thing) and I think my aunt is an absolute saint to have put up with him.

I know it's not my personal experience but as a family member looking in.

She has essentially single handedly raised their children and taken a great role in raising/helping with their grandchildren. She is heavily involved in the community both professionally and voluntarily.

He has spent his life in bed/reading the paper. To be fair, he now participates more eg will drive grandchildren places. But she had 4 children under 6(?) plus a dead weight husband and I'd say being with someone who does nothing is far worse than being alone.

I think he's selfish and unaware ANYWAY and his depression has magnified this massively. I wonder has he ever so much as made her a cup of tea.

I honestly wonder what he brings to the marriage and how much easier her life would have been without him . If she had left him I would have applauded her. It would have left her more free for her children, herself, her community. it would have probably positively impacted her childrens' lives too.

There's "in sickness and in health" and there's saving yourself from drowning.

I am, DH has lived with fragile mental health since his teens, and it can be ok for periods while life is on an even keel but is easily knocked.

He always does as much as he can to be an equal partner, and manages his meds as best he can. He's had EMDR.

We've learned how to manage it better over the years, he books odd days of annual leave if he's struggling, his parents are amazing for taking the kids for respite etc, I'm working my hours around being available for the kids.

But it's been extremely difficult in the past, with me having my own breakdown and I'm now on meds, and his overall health is affected by the meds he's on.

Our life is impacted, but we have children with additional needs that impact it too, that's life. If he wasn't trying to do his best I wouldn't be so willing to keep going.

If the tables were turned and it was you suffering from anxiety and depression, would you want hour DH to stay and help or leave?

My partner and I didn't last. He was depressed. He ended it not me. To be honest I had no idea about depression, all I know is it nearli broke me. I witnessed 1 major bout. When he was well life was ace. I'm dealing with the fall out now, nesrli 3 years on.Be kind to yourself OP.

I had 6-7 years of DH in a really bad way, and his behaviour was adversely effecting our DD as well as me. Please don't assume there is no impact on your DS - at the very least if it's impacting you, there'll be a knock on effect on to your child.

I take what you mean about the 'shape up, ship out' comment and frankly I was surprised I said what I said at the time and that it had some positive impact. I was the complete selfishness of the depressive behaviour. I was at absolute breaking point. He still refused to go the a GP, but eventually he suggest relationship counselling, which I'm honest I was very reluctant to take part in, but I did, as it was better than nothing. My reasoning here was that without resolving the depression, we couldn't improve the relationship. The example I used at the time was you don't start training for a marathon, until the broken leg is healed.

Please get support for yourself. I did seek help from a counsellor and from family & friends. One particular couple were an absolute lifeline. And remember you are not your DH's therapist / counsellor - you are his wife. A supporter - yes, a confidant, of course. And most most important - you do not have to go down into the depths of depression and despair with him to prove your love. One of you needs to be on an even keel to help the other. And sometimes that can only be from a distance.

I was awful when I was depressed. Horrible to live with and scary for him too not knowing what I would do when he wasn't there. This was decades ago now. Thankfully my DH didn't leave me and we got through it (really he got me through it). I have real sympathy for you @YoucancallmeBettyDraper. I guess only you can decide. But I did get better and I although I've had low moments I've never sunk into that state again. In my case it took 6 months for the worst to pass and 3 years to be 90% recovered. So it was not a short time but decades later it feels it.

My DP was depressed and probably still is so some extent. Lived with him and I couldn’t stand the moods, sleeping, angry, lack of intimacy, cancelled plans, drinking. I did say many times he needed help and was depressed, but he said he’d wasn’t and now I understand he saw it as a sign of weakness.

I left and bought a house myself as my mental health was getting bad. I lived miles away from my friends and worked at home. I couldn’t live walking on egg shells anymore. I did tell him what I was doing and why, but he was too depressed I think to understand.

6 weeks after I moved out he asked to meet. He went to GP day after I left for help. Diagnosed with depression and sought help. It stemmed from work stress and some family issues. Said he didn’t want to talk to me about it as he didn’t want to look weak! We did get back together on the terms he seeks help if he feels depressed and talks to me. I understand and will support. He said his therapist said his fear of telling me was stemmed from his military days and stoic up brining.

we live separately now, but honestly he lives in my house 5/6 days a week. We are looking to live in together again. Renting his house out so if it goes wrong again there is a fall back. I am nervous to live together again as his depressive state upset me. But he sought help and seems to recognise his behaviour now and if he is slipping talks to me.

I wouldn’t have gotten back with him if he hadn’t sought help. So far he is good, if not the best version I have seen.

I stayed. I love him and he did his part in terms of accessing his treatment.

I felt that was very fair.

I've stayed, we've worked through 2 major episodes and 2 minor ones.

He knows that if things take a turn for the worst, he must must must acknowledge it and seek help- even going to stay elsewhere (as it can impact his view of me and the dtwins) if necessary whilst working through the crisis (I'd never withdraw my support but he has previously tried to bring me into his chaos and it ends up with such paranoia/ negative spiralling/ arguments at the drop of a hat).

He accesses meds, has had lots of therapy and most recently was diagnosed with Autism and ADHD. He also has historical trauma.

But being out on the other side, they are parts of him, but not all of who he is. I love him fiercely and am mentally very strong. It's not for everyone, this sort of dynamic.

Yes. But as PPs have said... long story short...

After many years I told him he had to engage with therapy and meds. That was non-negotiable for me. Yes he had trauma from before he met me but it was his responsibility to deal with it, with my support.

I didn't accept lounging around. Fair enough if he wasn't well enough to work... but if he was well enough to get himself out of bed to go to the toilet then he was well enough to empty bins, do washing up, sort laundry etc. which along with the mental and financial load I just couldn't handle. He had to do what he could.

I told him that by not being proactive in his recovery he was giving me a shitty choice... live with him like that, or upend our lives... and that no doubt I would have had to do the admin of any breakup too. I just didn't want that... I didn't stay together for the kids... but I wanted us to stay together as a family unit and a couple if possible because I do actually like him!

I told him that his destructive meltdowns were abusive and controlling and eventually I'd had enough of them and they had to stop too. They did, once I put it like that.

After many years... we're still here, he can't take too much stress, but he's on an even keel and we have a nice life.

That is a VERY edited version of everything that happened BTW!!

I tried for a long time (10yrs) in a position similar to yours. I didn't want to think about it in 10 years time and realise I'd missed out on more.

It was a difficult decision to make, but I had to do it for me and the children. They are calmer and happier, and I am a better person to be around. It is only when you step away that you realise the heaviness that you have to contend with everyday.

There is being strong and being strong. I'm glad that I have been strong for me and the children. We live now.

Sending lots of support.

You don't have to stay, OP.

That's not meant to be condescending or patronising but it's just a fact and maybe you need to hear it.

You don't have to.

You say you're strong and won't fall apart, that's not necessarily the case.

I helped my ex who had depression for a very very long time, I would have said that I was a very strong person who would never give up but honestly in the end, I ended up depressed alongside him and almost had a breakdown.

We split about four years ago now and honestly I look back and can see yes I was strong but also I wasn't looking after myself and my own mental health. There is a point where you have to put yourself first.

However, saying all that. Your DH is helping himself and my ex didn't do that. He had depression however he didn't believe in councelling or even tablets to help so I was onto a lost cause with that one really.

OP, I could literally have written this post. Toddler and all. Feel free to PM me.

My ex was undiagnosed/untreated for probably the last 10 years and getting gradually worse until hitting crisis point in January this year. With him finally on medication and with support we were able to have a grown up conversation about how bad everything was and now we're separated. My cup was empty and I was so burnt out I had to call time. His moods affected everything, his negativity was ruining the happiness of everyone in the house, and he would just fall back on the fact that he was depressed without any acknowledgement of the impact he was having on everyone else. In a comment somewhere someone said that someone with depression will be aware that they can't do the things they need to do and part of the spiral is feeling bad about that, but for my ex it was all about him, zero awareness of the impact he had on family life, and unapologetic about his anger and negativity. Once I finally saw how much he expected us to put his needs first - kids to be quiet, overreacting to normal child behaviour or reasonable requests from a partner - I called time. Now I'm gradually refilling my cup and am also realising the full impact this has had on me and the kids. I was 50 this year so figure 5 years in therapy to recover myself as money always went on his therapy needs, then I stand a chance of another 25 years with someone who can actually be there for me and treat me with kindness and respect, whether they themselves are happy/sad/sick. Or I'll spend it alone. Possibly it's selfish but it's good to feel that I have my life ahead of me again and I now have the energy to support and love my kids instead of using all my energy to shield us from his moods.

DH has had lifelong depression and I've stayed but he knows that this is on the condition that he engaged with treatment. He is on an even keel for the vast majority of the time but every now and again will go into a spiral, they're the times when he needs medication adjustments or therapy (or both). When DC1 was small he tried to ride out one of these spirals with no support and it was awful - the short temper, the sleeping, not wanting to go out, being withdrawn, not eating or else massively overeating, not bathing, not doing household chores, and so on, basically just opting out of everything. I had a baby to look after, a house to run, and a job. I also grew up living with a parent who refused to acknowledge or seek treatment for their mental illness to the point that they were emotionally abusive for the entirety of my childhood and early adulthood. I ended up sitting DH down one afternoon and very bluntly telling him that he needed to either seek help or move out and that there would be no compromise on it, I said I'd support him in getting help and I'd support him through it if he was making the same effort but that if he was going to let him sink then I'd be making sure that DC and I didn't sink with him.

Depression isn't a choice but doing nothing about it is.