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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have said this in front of my husbands (and mine boss)

237 replies

VickyMcVities · 29/08/2024 06:50

My DH has form for belittling my feelings about completely legitimate concerns I have. He literally laughs often in front of other people including our children. This has on more than one occasion resulted in literally injury to one of our children because he refuses to heed my worries (I asked him to close a door whilst I breastfed our youngest as I was worried our middle child would climb out of an open window in that room, he refused, laughed and guess what? Child fell out of window and cracked her head open. I could give more (less dramatic but highly irritating examples).
At a recent work BBQ we were having a discussion in front of his boss (not big boss but reporting boss) and I said "our 18 year old daughter is not sleeping in a car driven by Joe Bloggs (a young male we all know to be silly and irresponsible) after a party. She'll freeze and it's dangerous." DH laughs and makes out as if I'm going overboard and everyone is doing it and I'm fussing. As the BBQ was a family event my 13 year old daughter was also present and another colleague.
I finally just cracked and said very very calmly (possibly weirdly calmly!) "DH if you ever belittle my legitimate concerns in front of our children again I will instruct a solicitor to divorce you" and I walked off.
I accept on the face of it that I may have gone overboard in an inappropriate context. HOWEVER I have had fucking years of this and am sick of it. I am also under huge amounts of stress right now due to very very ill close family and I'm having to reduce my working hours at my own expense to look after them so am not in a good place. (Be gentle please!)

OP posts:
Arrivederla · 29/08/2024 08:16

Nomdejeur · 29/08/2024 08:11

Your child fell out of a window of a room you were in? How odd. Did you watch it happen so your point was proved?

Did you miss the op saying that she was breastfeeding their baby at the time? Not easy to jump up and run across the room at that moment

ErrolTheDragon · 29/08/2024 08:16

mothsandgoths · 29/08/2024 07:56

I mean this with kindness. Is he belittling your concerns or does he think you are over anxious with your kids.

Did you not read about the window incident? That was one example - he's evidently got poor form for risk assessment. So, maybe he thinks she's over anxious but in reality it's him that's too laissez faire.

NewNameNoelle · 29/08/2024 08:15

Oh OP, you sound sad and unhappy in your marriage.

Obviously you didn’t pick the right place to say this, but you snapped. Private family business shouldn’t be aired at parties, particularly work parties.

Clearly a private conversation is now needed between you. 💐

Viviennemary · 29/08/2024 08:13

I think your concerns are legitimate. But totally out of order to say that to your husband in front of all these people. But it sounds like a difficult marriage and your DH doesn't respect you. Look at your options for separating.

Arrivederla · 29/08/2024 08:12

Thiswayforward · 29/08/2024 08:09

Final straw springs to mind. Maybe it wasn’t so much about diffference in opinions. But you have had enough of not being heard or communicated with. It may seem an overreaction to some but it sounds to me like you had enough.

This. He sounds like an absolute dickhead

Nomdejeur · 29/08/2024 08:11

Your child fell out of a window of a room you were in? How odd. Did you watch it happen so your point was proved?

AgnesX · 29/08/2024 08:10

Edingril · 29/08/2024 06:56

Your child is 18 you can't dictate what they do

And you demand he does what you want and because he doesn't obey you will divorce him then divorce him

Missed the point a bit haven't you. It's not about the daughter or anything else, it's about her husband's attitude in front of other people.

Thiswayforward · 29/08/2024 08:09

Final straw springs to mind. Maybe it wasn’t so much about diffference in opinions. But you have had enough of not being heard or communicated with. It may seem an overreaction to some but it sounds to me like you had enough.

Hectorscalling · 29/08/2024 08:09

You sound unhappy.

I find the original conversation a bit strange. And would probably laugh out of uncomfortableness at Dp insisting he could dictate what Dd (when she was 18) could do, in front of a work colleague.

On the one hand you have put up with it for years, so to create a fuss right there and then wasn’t great. On the other hand it’s probably built up and up and you didn’t choose to snap at that point.

But it’s really uncomfortable for everyone else you (both of you) are bringing into this.

In all honestly, if it’s got to this point aren’t you miserable already?

Edingril · 29/08/2024 08:07

mothsandgoths · 29/08/2024 07:56

I mean this with kindness. Is he belittling your concerns or does he think you are over anxious with your kids.

There is this

Surprisedcupcake · 29/08/2024 08:04

GoldenLegend · 29/08/2024 07:58

Why not? He did.

Just because he behaved like a fool, doesn't mean she had to. Now they're both cringey instead of just one of them. Spousal bickering in front of colleagues is awkward at best.

MintyNew · 29/08/2024 08:04

You're probably at breaking point. You picked the wrong moment though. You came across as highly inappropriate to say that especially in front of your young daughter, and make everyone else feel awkward. If anything it made you look bad not him.

DoreenonTill8 · 29/08/2024 08:02

K0OLA1D · 29/08/2024 07:25

Your 18yo is an adult.

2 - what happened with the window?? Why could you not shut the door if he didn't? How close was the door to the window that you couldn't see or stop your dc from falling out??

He sounds like a knob, but not the time or the place.

This. I don't understand re the car. Why would she freeze? Do you mean they would all sleep in it after the party stationary or the concerns would be his driving it? Surely she could just wrap up warm if it was being driven, and she's 18, daft enough to want an uncomfortable night in a car? Her choice!
And the window? Were you in the same room as toddler? If I could see it happening or had the slightest inkling that my child could fall out of a WINDOW I wouldn't set that as my 'hill' I'd just get up and shut the door to keep them in a room with me, shut the window.

stopthepigeonstopthepigeon · 29/08/2024 08:01

Lacdulancelot · 29/08/2024 07:27

But perhaps you wouldn’t belittle your partner in front of her boss in the first place.

Exactly all the “ooohh how could you?” posts seems to have missed that bit 🙄

GoldenLegend · 29/08/2024 07:59

Why are you having to pay the costs of reduced working alone? Your marriage doesn’t sound like a partnership.

GoldenLegend · 29/08/2024 07:58

Surprisedcupcake · 29/08/2024 07:51

I agree you needed to address the way your husband disregards your concerns.... But why chose the cringiest possible way!

Why not? He did.

Fraaahnces · 29/08/2024 07:56

Good for you! He sounds like an utter arse. I don’t know why you’ve put up with him at all.

mothsandgoths · 29/08/2024 07:56

I mean this with kindness. Is he belittling your concerns or does he think you are over anxious with your kids.

Doingmybest12 · 29/08/2024 07:54

Yabu to have said this in front of your boss, awkward to say the least.
You sound very stressed and like you can't see the wood for the trees. Your daughter at 18 years can sleep in a cold car, if you don't think it's wise, talk to her about it and your husband doesn't have to agree with you. I think you snapping is a symptom of your frustration and perhaps couples counselling would help.

TheaBrandt · 29/08/2024 07:51

It’s always utter cringe when couples play out their issues in public irrespective of the rights and wrongs of it

Surprisedcupcake · 29/08/2024 07:51

I agree you needed to address the way your husband disregards your concerns.... But why chose the cringiest possible way!

Maray1967 · 29/08/2024 07:49

5128gap · 29/08/2024 07:40

The scene was already caused. Have you never been with a couple where the guy puts down his wife like that? It's excruciating to watch. Embarrassing for anyone with an ounce of emotional intelligence. The OP just brought the whole horrible social faux pas to an end, albeit more dramatically. But at least she made it stop. Her H could have gone on like that all evening which would have been awful for all.

We had a school friend who married a bloke like this - he was a total idiot at someone else’s wedding, and it was embarrassing, but in the loos she told us all was fine, he was just a bit stressed etc. Two years later they were divorced.

ClockBotching · 29/08/2024 07:49

He sounds awful.

I could not stay with somebody like this.

The only thing is I would not have said it in front of my 13-year-old child. My kids would have become very upset if I spoke about getting divorced in front of them like that.

StolenChanel · 29/08/2024 07:49

YANBU about your points (at all!) but YABU to address it there and then.

GinForBreakfast · 29/08/2024 07:46

You sound like you are in a difficult place OP. Unfortunately the AIBU is not known for sympathy and understanding. I would delete/hide this thread and, if you think it would help, post again in relationships.

I don't think you were BU by the way, your husband sounds particularly unpleasant.