To think MIL should have consulted ME about Father's Day?

You can be consulted, by your husband. Why should your husband not be consulted, it relates to his family too. And roles are good/fine but no reason for them to be so rigid.

Maybe she’s had enough of them being flaky and wants them to step up. It’s fine for you to take on the role of organising in your family but your husband will never improve if he’s not given the chance. Even if he does involve you in it, there’s no reason he can’t at least initiate it/do something.

are you really doing it because he’s useful or is there also a control element on your side. If the first, help him to learn. If the second then you need to learn to step back a bit.

She expected her two fully adult children to be competent and willing to plan a simple meal with their father for father's day without their mummy or wife overseeing it, OP. Frankly that's bare minimum.

Sorry I just needed to get that off my chest. She has form for talking to DH when it would be more appropriate to talk to me.

Astonishing that a woman would talk to her own son.

Does she not realise who is in charge? No mother is allowed contact with her son once he is married and has a wife.

Your DH is an adult and this is his family whom you clearly don't have a good relationship with. It's utterly reasonable for his mother and his sister to talk to him about plans for celebrating father's day with his father. And it's reasonable to expect a grown adult - a parent with (presumably) a career - to be able to help plan basic family gatherings and take responsibility for communicating and coordinating with his wife. Honestly I'm not sure why your expectations of him are so low. And if he, as a father himself, decided he preferred to spend father's day with only his wife and children instead of his father then that's something he needs to express.

I'm sorry but you're centring yourself in something that wasn't about you at all, and trying to gatekeep communication between your DH and his parents and sister.

Lots of families have problems on Fathers day because the orgnaiser has to think of several fathers in the family.

It seems to me that, when reaching out enthusiastically to include MIL in your celebrations for your DH, you didn’t think that she might also be thinking of her own DH who is also a father to two adult children, one being your DH.

You asked yourself…..
Firstly, why would DH be organising his own Father's Day?
But it isn’t just your DH who is a father!
Your MIL probably thought, and quite rightly, that maybe her son might be thinking about his own father. And that’s a very logical explanation as to why she asked her two aduit offspring to consult together about their own father.

She wasn’t excluding you OP.
She just wasn’t centre-ing you as you seem to expect her to do.
She was probably very happy to receive your call and to know that you were thinking of her husband, your FIL -as well as your own husband.
No need to be offended at all.
You can all still enjoy Father’s Day together to celebrate the two fathers on that side of the family.

Of course she should reach out to her son. It’s not about him arranging his own Father’s Day, it’s about him arranging it for his dad. He can discuss/delegate you to.

And I think the 'but what if I'd organised a surprise?' argument only holds up if you have form for organising surprise Father's Day dinners.

I think it’s normal that MIL chose to speak to her own dc regarding celebrations for their dad. He’s not your dad. If your dh forgets, it’s his issue, not you mil’s really.
It doesn’t have to be a surprise either.

For years dm, my siblings and I have discussed together what we will do on Mothers Day.
Dm enjoys being involved as she gets a say what her treat will be and spends a few days looking forward to it.
For her, having that to look forward to is part of the enjoyment.

Love your username OP, and can relate!

It sounds like MIL/SIL aren't as organised as you, seeing as they're still just talking about with a couple of days to go, and haven't thought about it very hard. Maybe they have that in common with your DH, if he's hopeless at organising too.

To be fair it seems you didn't really twig to the fact that he is a son celebrating his dad's day too - so cut them some slack for doing the same in reverse?

Oh for heaven’s sake, it’s obvious she was talking about a Father’s Day celebration for FIL! Of course she would expect it to be a discussion between his two children.

If you would like to do something for your DH from his kids, do so. Go out for brunch or something. Lots of people manage to celebrate more than one generation across the day.

"I do all of the arranging for the family, as she does for hers. Why didn't she contact ME if she wanted to do something together, rather than exclude me from the arrangements? She has form for talking to DH when it would be more appropriate to talk to me."

All of the above. Your husband is an adult, his mother's son and his sister's brother. Do you allow him to function/exist independently?

You sound very controlling and territorial.

There you go. I wondered if that was the case. So they've planned a father's day like they usually do probably. So you and DH can decide if you want to go along with that or do your own thing.

We once spent mother's day with my MIL and I was very definitely in second place. I announced after that that I wanted my own mother's day celebration from now on, even if we did something with her on the actual day and for me another day.

Is SIL married with kids?

It sounds like she and MIL have decided to do the day around FIL.

You and DH can decide if that works for you or if you want to do your own celebration around DH.

Are you sure MIL and SIL weren't approaching this from the point of view of it also being a day for your DH and SIL to celebrate their Dad, ie your FIL?

So you have a husband and father in law but it's your mother in laws fault some how. Your misogyny is astounding. Have a word with yourself.