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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think MIL should have consulted ME about Father's Day?

133 replies

head2toeinuniqlo · 29/08/2024 04:21

I have a DH and 2 DC. DH's parents live close by, although we very seldom see them (their choice).

We're in Australia so Father's Day is this Sunday. We had a vague plan of what to do, but thought as a gesture I would reach out to MIL and see if they wanted to do something together. We don't normally, but thought it would be nice. MIL said she had already spoken to SIL and asked her to talk to DH to arrange something.

Firstly, why would DH be organising his own Father's Day?
And secondly, she knows that I do all of the arranging for the family, as she does for hers. Why didn't she contact ME if she wanted to do something together, rather than exclude me from the arrangements?

Sorry I just needed to get that off my chest. She has form for talking to DH when it would be more appropriate to talk to me. It really pisses me off, tbh. We could have had a nice surprise planned for DH that he didn't know about.

I am tempted now to just do our own thing. AIBU?

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 29/08/2024 06:32

head2toeinuniqlo · 29/08/2024 04:47

@PrincessofWells it was MIL who instigated the arrangements, not FIL or DH.

MIL speaks to her daughter, thinks daughter has spoken to son - your DH, either DD hasn’t spoken to DS or DS hasn’t told you about the arrangements. You’re fuming because somebody else is trying to organise a family get together.
The one person not at fault here is your MIL.

Original poster
head2toeinuniqlo · 29/08/2024 06:30

@Doingmybest12 SIL has not spoken to DH yet.

OP posts:
Thiswayforward · 29/08/2024 06:30

I think you may have over thought it. Mil may have spoken to her son in passing and just mentioned it. No thought about needing to speak to you first. You may do the organising normally but mil has probably been doing the organising for years. I think it’s best to go along to see fil or resentment etc can make situations a whole lot worse.

Doingmybest12 · 29/08/2024 06:30

As long as your children have a card for your husband and you've food in for a meal for your family, that's a job done. No need for more of a plan B than that.

Soontobe60 · 29/08/2024 06:29

head2toeinuniqlo · 29/08/2024 04:29

@Anxiouswaffle yeah I get that, but I might have booked a restaurant as a surprise for DH. She should have checked.

Presumably you had a conversation with her when she mentioned your SIL speaking to your DH. At that point did you not think - oh I’d better tell her I’ve arranged lunch out with my DH and our children?

SoOriginal · 29/08/2024 06:29

I voted YANBU, then realised that actually she may have been coming at it from the angle of reminding her kids to do something for FIL, rather than anything else. I then realised I will probably do something similar when mine are grown.

I jumped to the same conclusion as you but didn’t consider the other perspective :)

LAMPS1 · 29/08/2024 06:26

head2toeinuniqlo · 29/08/2024 06:06

I hope you all have a good celebration together on Sunday.

@LAMPS1 thanks, but it will be a bloody miracle if SIL and DH manage to organise anything!

Hahaha, yes!
I can see they might need a bit of a nudge and prompt to communicate.
Or that you might need a Plan B if their organising comes to …nothing at all.

Doingmybest12 · 29/08/2024 06:21

Your DH is the one with the issue, his sister spoke to him and he didnt tell you about plans for his dad and he has form for not communicating about plans his mum wants to make. You sound very ridged about your role in the family.

AGoingConcern · 29/08/2024 06:17

head2toeinuniqlo · 29/08/2024 06:08

@Bigcatpaws not at all. It is PIL who decide to spend Father's Day just with SIL usually. As I said upthread, they make plans for the 3 of them but we're not invited.

Your DH has a working phone and contact information for his own sister and father, correct? Then he isn't being excluded from the plans, he just can't be arsed to make any effort for his own father. He is decades beyond the age when your MIL should be arranging this for him.

I have ADHD. There is a difference between poor executive functioning and just not caring enough to try

InWalksBarberalla · 29/08/2024 06:17

I leave it to DH and his sister to organise both mothers and fathers day (my parents are too far away to factor into planning) so this seems ideal to me.

Original poster
head2toeinuniqlo · 29/08/2024 06:08

@Bigcatpaws not at all. It is PIL who decide to spend Father's Day just with SIL usually. As I said upthread, they make plans for the 3 of them but we're not invited.

OP posts:
Bigcatpaws · 29/08/2024 06:07

head2toeinuniqlo · 29/08/2024 05:56

@sillylittlerabbit we're not normally invited. They usually go out for lunch with SIL but never invite us. DH will usually just pop round when they've got back from lunch or whatever. Or he'll just call or send a text.

Sounds like mil wants to give your dh the chance to make a bit more effort than just sending a text. It sounds like he’s treating his dad as an afterthought.

Poettree · 29/08/2024 06:07

I think you might need to let this one go, but in future decide in advance what is happening on father's day and how you want to celebrate it.

It's tricky because parents who are in the active years of parenting might see it as the one day that they might get a break and some thanks, but grandparents can sometimes assume it's a day for them to be celebrated. And it's easy to go along with that because you don't want to be rude, but it's actually not what you want....

Original poster
head2toeinuniqlo · 29/08/2024 06:06

I hope you all have a good celebration together on Sunday.

@LAMPS1 thanks, but it will be a bloody miracle if SIL and DH manage to organise anything!

OP posts:
Riapia · 29/08/2024 06:05

You’re upset because you’re not in charge of everything.

LAMPS1 · 29/08/2024 06:05

head2toeinuniqlo · 29/08/2024 05:35

@LAMPS1 my idea was that we could celebrate BOTH fathers, together as a family.

I’m pleased to hear you say that OP.
Because your original post sounded quite dismissive of your FIL as if it was only about your DH and therefore should only be you making arrangements, - without your SIL and DH having any input at all about their father. I’m sure you can see that now. Is good you ranted here and not to family members. No harm done.

I hope you all have a good celebration together on Sunday.

Original poster
head2toeinuniqlo · 29/08/2024 06:05

I'm more offended that you think adhd is something you can get rid of like a cold.

Er, where did I say that?

OP posts:
Original poster
head2toeinuniqlo · 29/08/2024 06:04

Its all well and good until you need him to step up and organise something for you, if the need arose, without being totally incompetent.

@Bigcatpaws we have been there MANY times. We used to argue so much about things not being done unless I did them. In the end, I realised that I had to take charge of all our life admin otherwise it wouldn't happen.

That said, he works very hard for our family and is a great dad and husband, so I forgive him for his complete lack of executive functioning skills.

OP posts:
TheTigerWhoCameToEatMyArsehole · 29/08/2024 06:03

I'm more offended that you think adhd is something you can get rid of like a cold. Maybe you're not invited as you seem very stand offish, and maybe don't actually try and be involved in the family. From your posts it seems like you don't actually like them maybe the can tell.

Original poster
head2toeinuniqlo · 29/08/2024 05:58

@TheShellBeach oh he definitely still has it! But I didn't want to say 'DH has ADHD' in case people thought I was just being offensive.

OP posts:
Bigcatpaws · 29/08/2024 05:58

head2toeinuniqlo · 29/08/2024 05:41

@AquaLeader it depends who does the organising. In our case (as in MIL's) it's the wife. I wouldn't try to organise anything with FIL because it is not his role. Similarly, I expect to be consulted when someone is trying to organise something that involves my family unit.

Organising is your “ role”?
But doesn’t that give your dh the green light go sit back and show little interest? ( which is the case here)

Its all well and good until you need him to step up and organise something for you, if the need arose, without being totally incompetent.

TheShellBeach · 29/08/2024 05:57

head2toeinuniqlo · 29/08/2024 04:40

@BananaGrapeMelon fair enough if that's normal, but DH has form for 'forgetting' arrangements. Mainly because MIL calls him at work and he's distracted. He's quite disorganised anyway (he had ADHD as a child) hence why I do all the organising for the family.

If he had ADHD as a child, he's still got it.

Original poster
head2toeinuniqlo · 29/08/2024 05:56

@sillylittlerabbit we're not normally invited. They usually go out for lunch with SIL but never invite us. DH will usually just pop round when they've got back from lunch or whatever. Or he'll just call or send a text.

OP posts:
sillylittlerabbit · 29/08/2024 05:54

It's also worth considering how many women on here (quite rightly) get sick of being expected to do the 'wife work' - organising birthdays, presents, days out etc - so in that respect it's quite refreshing that your MIL doesn't expect that of you.

One question for you here is why wasn't your DH thinking about plans to celebrate his father for Father's Day...?

AquaLeader · 29/08/2024 05:51

head2toeinuniqlo · 29/08/2024 05:41

@AquaLeader it depends who does the organising. In our case (as in MIL's) it's the wife. I wouldn't try to organise anything with FIL because it is not his role. Similarly, I expect to be consulted when someone is trying to organise something that involves my family unit.

@head2toeinuniqlo you sound controlling.