To think MIL should have consulted ME about Father's Day?

Then the problem is your dh, not your sil.

So had you organised a surprise day out for your DH? If you hadn’t then “what if I had done xyz…” is something of a moot point anyway.

i get it, you don’t like her, but she’s done nothing wrong.

Your source of webMD … All in all, is WebMD trustworthy? It depends on which page you land on and what you're looking for. The site may be an okay starting point for information, like Wikipedia. But the information isn't always reliable, and unlike Wikipedia, the site's business model relies on the same industry it reports on.

Bloody hell, controlling much?

Source?

Ok what is the rule here? I have two boys. Do I arrange things through my own son who is perfectly capable, has a brain, can buy cards and gifts, cook, book a pub, etc or do I liaise with my DIL?

im confused as on MN I read so much about DILs being fed up with MIL contacting them rather than their own capable son.

Thanks but I could say the same about your comment. You do realise this is a chat forum where people are allowed to give opinions and , you know, chat?

Nope. You learn to cope better, live better, manage the condition. Or probably didn’t actually have adhd in the first place.

But medical research shows that you can grow it of it. Sure, most don't, but some do. See link in previous post.

Edited to add: the op has come on here to ask for our perspective and has been willing to take it on board. Your comment is neither helpful nor warranted.

I’m another who is shocked/offended/annoyed by your ADHD comment. He had ADHD as a child 🙄 you don’t grow out of it 🙄 your response when challenged of But I didn't want to say 'DH has ADHD' in case people thought I was just being offensive. IS actually offensive!

You sound like hard work, entitled, ignorant.

This genuinely sounds like a mountain over a molehill. Just organise something for him if you want to.

fwiw I could well imagine a scenario in which MIL and SIL are just chatting and the topic of Fathers Day comes up. They wonder briefly if your DH has plans already and SIL says she'll ask and this - in the retelling - becomes "I instructed her to arrange plans with her brother" and then in the interpretation becomes, they consipired to leave you out.

So mil doesn't consult you she is in trouble does consult you 'why do women have to do all the organising'

As its about fathers day why is the mil trouble at all anyway?

Derailing, sorry, but I thought it was generally accepted that at least a small percentage of kids do 'outgrow' adhd. https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/childhood-adhd/growing-out-of-adhd

OP, I personally want my in-laws to go through my DP and not me, so I'm finding it difficult to understand your feelings here. Clearly this situation has frustrated you.

I guess the question is, is your mil acting out of malice or just from a different perspective to you? I'd say the latter is more likely so perhaps it's one of those times to shrug and think "everyone's different".

But I do get what you’re saying OP - my SIL has form for this, she’s the only person who contacts DH about social arrangements (everyone else comes to me), DH will generally say yes to everything without checking if we’re already booked on the dates in question, and generally forgets to telll me. It’s got nothing to do with being controlling or territorial, it’s just basic family organisation!

I would just get on with organising your own thing for the 4 of you, and when you finally get the details of this bbq, if it fits, attend that too.

As a slight aside, I think you might be guilty of doing that thing many women do in their 20s/30s. I did it too so absolutely no judgement! If a man does thing X your thought process is 'oh bless him' , if a woman does the exact same thing X your response is far more negative/vitriolic. In this situation you glide smoothly over that your dh is bad at organising with no negative vibes at all, the women don't get the same treatment.

She has form for talking to DH when it would be more appropriate to talk to me.

Ehhh? Can a mother not talk to her son as and when she feels like it? Does she need a permission sleep op?

Get a grip it was probably a passing conversation she probably expected your husband to mention to you

You sound a nightmare. Sounds more like you that has form for being awkward. Why didn't she contact ME.

I don’t really see what the issue is - if your SIL hasn’t got round to contacting your DH, so you can jump in with your own plans and tell MIL X is happening.

Beyond that there’s nothing wrong w her asking her kids to sort something for their dad for fathers’ day, if you guys were already doing something else your DH can say so. It’s not usual for f day celebrations to be a surprise like big birthdays so no reason to think he wouldn’t know (and anyway if he didn’t, he would as soon as he checked in w you.)

It just sounds to be like you don’t like her and this is an excuse to have a go at her.

Not that you asked, but it does sound like you should step back from controlling your husbands interactions w his parents. If he forgets stuff when she calls him at work, that’s on him. ADHD means you need techniques to remember stuff - it’s not Alzheimer’s.

Just do your own thing

Maybe she didn't realise you would want to do something so said she'd asked SIL to reach out to DH to sort of cover as she felt bad about not originally including you.

Also it's perfectly normal to want to make arrangements with your own son. I know you say you happily make all the arrangements, but I wouldn't thank anyone for expecting me to make plans for a grown adult.

My instant sense is that they don’t like you. They don’t want to talk to you. You say they instigate being low contact so I’d keep it that way and leave it to your husband to maintain his own relationships.

FIL ignores you - I’d never want to bother with him if so, that’s very odd behaviour. However, ADHD often overlaps with autism so could it be possible his social skills are affected? I’d be more understanding if that was likely. If not, he sounds exceptionally rude and I’d not bother trying to facilitate the relationship's between FIL and your family.

You’re being obtuse now just for the sake of it.

Do your children organise a Fathers Day celebration by themselves or are they too young to do that?

Fathers Day is no big deal compared to say, Christmas Day or a Birthday so you can just as easily celebrate the next day or even the following week.

You’re obviously annoyed with your MIL for some reason, so whatever she does will be wrong in your eyes. I think you need to demonstrate what tolerance looks like to your kids and stop being so rigid about the right and wrong way to plan a celebration. You’ll do them no favours as they grow up if you carry on with your blinkered thinking.