why doesn't anyone tell you about the grief?

I was fine initially especially as it was touch and go if she'd get the place - but felt sad/sorrow latter think grief is the wrong word.

She not been great at staying in touch or heading back - been some stirring from IL behind scenes and GF to visits as well -so more hurt than sad at times worried she'd been unhappy - now think she just assume we'd be there when she wanted and bit anxious about our reactions to tattoo and medication she on neither of which we've reacted to much.

But she's been happy and nice to see her over the summer - and it easier to wave her off very soon. It's a bit harder as next two won't be long before they head off. No idea if any will be back or all afterwards.

I do think it's a big adjustment even if like IL who were always very busy with work and social lives - Mil really struggle when he first went off despite being in same house and not seeing him for days on end for years - DH and her both say that - FIL was hit when he started his first job and moved out properly he had to disappear off to compose himself.

@MumblesParty you honestly won't. It will be blissful!

Who were you expecting to tell you?

I don't have kids but know it's pretty common for parents to feel some form of grief when their kids fly the nest.

I don't think anyone told me, it's just obvious from living life, talking to people, watching TV, reading books, being on MN or whatever isn't it?

Trips not trios.

I go on solo trios and miss no one. Try it, ladies.

DS1 is going back to uni for his second year shortly, and I’m actually going to find it harder than when he first went. Last year the summer was quite stressful, waiting for exam results, then trying to sort out accommodation and so on - the stress took over from the sadness. This summer, however, has been nice and chilled, and I’m going to miss him not being around.

This morning I got one of those Facebook memory things - DS1 on his first day of secondary school, looking so sweet in his too-big school blazer. That made me a bit tearful.

It’s funny - I used to think how lovely it would be when DP and I could go on holiday without the kids, go to adult places, wander around interesting cities without having to fit in water parks and such like. DS2 is in his GCSE year, so those adult holidays are not far off. But now they don’t seem so much fun any more, and I know that when we do have a “couple holiday”, I’ll just wish the kids were there!

@Mrsdyna, just to gain a bit of perspective, my friend's DC is currently missing out on uni (they had a place) due to an aggressive cancer. How she wishes her DC was away enjoying university, instead of having cycles of chemo.

On another note, I also think the word 'grief' is a bit hyperbolic here, and sad for parents whose children will never get these opportunities. Of course, you're allowed to miss your kids, but having a sense of perspective is also not a bad thing.

I cried the whole way home after dropping mine in Leeds.

Soon picked up once she was happy and settled. It's definitely a period of adjustment for lots of us, I don't think being bitchy about it is very nice but lots of people aren't very nice so no shocks there.

When mine went, I was sad for a while but quickly got used to it. They were good at keeping in touch and we're at universities near enough to pop home for the occasional weekend. We also visited sometimes, saying in the city, taking them and a friend or two for a meal but not intruding. We were still needed for logistical help and to discuss any problems. Over ten years down the line all our lives have moved on, we are close and see each other enough, but are also busy with our own lives and partners. Each child met their partner at University, I feel our family grew rather than shrunk.

I remember a mum I knew from toddler group. She had had a hectic few days getting her triplets to three different universities for the first time. She got home and sobbed her heart out. Then got out some photos of them in SCBU, all hooked up to monitors, weighing only a very few pounds each. Not all were expected to survive. She said she then felt immense gratitude that all three had thrived so well which helped with the grief.

I’m sure empty nest syndrome is widely known and when my brother and I left home at the same time, 30 years ago, my mum was bereft!

certainly some parents are more sad about endings than others and I have no idea yet as dc are 10 and 12. Sometimes I can’t wait for the freedom, other times I feel horrified at the prospect!

I like to think if you have lots going on in your own life and you have a good relationship with your kids so they keep in touch, it will be fine once you adjust. I moved around a lot when I was younger and lived abroad several times and I would want my dc to move away and develop independence.

i agree. I thought young adults becoming independent is what most parents aspire to. My DC both left home around the same time, many years ago, one to uni, one to work abroad. Of course I missed them, but I was also incredibly proud of their independence, and interested in their new lives. They have had great experiences, and now one is about to see their oldest off to university.

I know it will leave a void, but the focus should be on the child and their future, it’s unrealistic to expect them always to be with you.

I'm still waiting for an empty nest. My 24yo is still firmly at home! (Renting elsewhere is too expensive)

But when the three at home do leave I'm sure it'll be very strange and lonely to begin with.

I don’t think this is true. I have loads on interests and I have hobbies and things I go out and do. ,but my kids are still my absolute favorite people in the world, and my absolute favorite people to spend time with. . They are nowhere near leaving home age, but I know I will feel real and terrible grief when they do.

FFS, just because I didn't feel grief when DS went to uni doesn't mean I love him less than someone who cried buckets.

I joined the WIWIKWIWTU page when DS was off to uni and had to remove myself pretty quickly once the competitive grief and drama posts started flooding in in September. Performative grief is horrible.

I was pleased and proud when DS went to uni. Yes, we missed him but I certainly didn't feel grief.

When my son left over 10 years ago it's was definitely regarded as weird not to suffer "empty nest syndrome".

I thought I'd be fine but then you suddenly realise those casual chats whilst watching rubbish TV have gone.

It will ease off, I promise. The first 3 or 4 weeks are the worst and then the new rhythms of life settle in and it's okay again

This is what I’m hoping. I’m sure I’ll be sad, but I really hope I wake up one day and feel like I’ve got a bit of my life back. They are high maintenance!!!!

I’ve got one still at home and TBH I’ve got some catching up to do. They’ve had little attention as the eldest hoovers it all up.

I did feel grief but now that DD has graduated and faces the prospect of never being able to afford to move out, I have moved on to feeling grief about that!

DD16 (an only) is off on Sunday to live in at college four hours drive away, so I'll be interested in whether I feel "grief" or not. At the moment I am looking forward to the freedom and reduction in domestic chores.

My job is full on and I'm studying part time for a masters so I don't have a lot of time to be maudlin.

I didn't feel it at all. I was just proud that I had raised a young man who was ready to move on. I did visit him once a month so maybe that helped

I had one leave home, the other went to uni, I had to sell our family home of 20yrs and move to a new area where I didn't know a soul. All at the same time.

That was tough.

Op, sorry you feel this way. I understand, I’m sad too.

I’ve been feeling anxious and sad about it. There have been many tears here too.

I’m sad, I’m excited for DC, but there is also a bit of me that thinks, hmm………my life is changing but that is not necessarily a bad thing. For example, I love my DC to bits, but bloody hell, they are a lot of work. I’m exhausted working and doing all the household stuff. I might have less work to do.

Also, I get sad, but it’s also massively hypocritical of me. I moved 300 miles to Uni, and then I lived outside the UK for 20 years. That said, I didn’t have the nice family set up my DC have, and I left to escape.

I see this time as a gap where they go off and do their own thing. Take this time to nurture yourself. There are lots of things to look forward to with our DC as adults.

People do talk about Empty Nest Syndrome though, op. Mine are still young, but I totally understand how it must feel. Our eldest (13) stayed in France with my sister for over a week while we travelled home. It felt unnatural leaving him hundreds of miles away, with no way of reaching him quickly if there was a problem. I acted all fine and happy for him and, in truth I was (not many kids get to stay abroad for a month!) but I cried as I left. I didn't let him see, he's been away before of course, but the distance was far bigger than I'd been used to.

First you give them roots, then you give them wings, as my mum says. It's a lovely saying, and of course we want our children to fly independently, but also perfectly natural to feel this way. You've given the best part of your life to raising them, nurturing them, keeping them safe from harm.

Philippa Perry wrote about this last weekend.

I have several children and have a few years yet until the last one leaves home completely, but I felt utterly bereft when my dd went to university. She was such a big part of my life at home. She's graduated now and is back,, but just for a few months. I'm taking my next dd to university next month and will miss her dreadfully too. I do sometimes feel very nostalgic for all the years when they were young (and I was young too).

I also feel sad because I will be completely on my own when they all leave as I'm a single parent. So not much looking forward to that.

Yes it is a bereavement - you’re grieving your old life when the house was full of noise and mess ( yes I missed moaning about his untidy room )
your child ’ is going off into the big wide world. I was proud of course, so proud, but I didn’t want him to go as he was my youngest and I knew that was it - once he went it would be just me & dh. It’s the quietness that’s the hardest.

But….we got used to it, & after a while ( probably took about 2 years I must admit ) we liked our new quiet life. We started to do things we hadn’t done before, so it kind of opened up a new life for me which I really started to enjoy.

He’s back from university now & living with us full-time ( found a job local to us and can’t afford to rent on his own ) and despite all the pain of him leaving and missing him so much, I now miss my quiet life with just me & dh. I’d never let on of course, & he can stay here for as long as he likes, but you get used to your new life and realize it’s actually okay.

So op, please know that your life will still be great, it will just be a different great.

I thought I was going to be a wreak but I was totally fine.

She was enjoying herself quite quickly which must have helped. I was surprised that I didn't miss her.

I felt more sorry for my other dd who was left behind. Things felt really different at home for her I think .