why doesn't anyone tell you about the grief?

I disagree that it is natural for humans.

I'm sorry that you are sad but yes it is natural. All creatures on this earth have young who grow and fly the nest.

My children's growth and happiness, becoming adults and having families of their own if they wish, will be my greatest joy, overriding the sadness of them leaving home.

This too
I miss my adult children so much it feels like grief | Life and style | The Guardian

It's not for you or anyone else to correct how posters describe their feelings.

It's not grief, you might miss them and be sad but not grief it's the wrong word. Most people are happy for their dc

@Modestee

I had the same, then husband left! All was fine I will report, but quiet at first

Lots of people do talk about it. My first is going in 3 weeks and I can't think about it. I absolutely hate the thought of him not being here

Well no it's not natural. Tribes don't separate when they turn 18 and go and move far away for extended periods.

People don’t talk about because we don’t all feel it.

I worried dropping dd off and I cried, when we drove off and I missed her. But I didn’t feel grief.

I felt grief when my mum died 9 months before she went. Dd going to university wasn’t the same.

I love having her at home. If I had to chose who I wanted to spend time with or do something with it would be dd and ds. They are my favourite people. Even over my dp.

I didn’t feel grief. I felt pride and excitement, for her. Worried and I missed her. But I am so happy she is having this experience. She is flourishing. Just about to start year 3 and so excited as her and her friends have a house this year. I am excited for her. But there’s no grief.

I am sorry you are struggling so much though.

All DCs through University and out the other side. DC1 married, delightful DIL. DD1 has a new girlfriend. She's been invited to Cape Town for Christmas. I've given her strict instructions to hate it 😊
Uni for 3 years is one thing. Emigration is quite another. I feel very sad for DSIS whose son has just buggered off to the USA for 5 years
At least she can afford the plane fare.

I think it’s because so many people seem to forget that the goal of parenting is to raise adults who are functional, independent members of society. Them leaving is the whole point. Yes, it’s a big change, but it ought to be a moment of huge pride and excitement, and yes, a little sadness, but really not grief. No one has died.

But do you not have a full life separate from your kids now?

I think about that sometimes (still a few years away) and I'm already thinking about how to make my life full once DC are not living here. I don't think it will be easy.

@Zerro

Oh, I absolutely agree that it wasn't just students who were affected. But as it relates to this post, I didn't get to take my kid to university until a year after they were supposed to go, so when they were finally able to move into dorms in a new city it was a huge relief and reason for celebration rather than sadness.

Yes, to all the pride and happiness that they are moving on and happy but yes also to the tears.
And of course many people don't feel sad.

I never let them know that I cried all the way home. When the first one went I had the benefit of one still at home but that only goes so far. It's like when the elder child starts school. You have the young one at home and that lovely one to one time but it's the end of an era.
They come home and then go again.
I found it almost as hard each time the holidays ended.
Then the second one went (2 year gap) and it wasn't any easier.

Eventually it did get easier, then one came home for a year. Then left again. Then the other came home for a year, left, came home again for 6 months and then left. So from the start it was actually 7 years before the nest was finally empty. They come home often, occasionally come on holidays and are an absolute joy.

What I can say now, ten years on from the first one starting uni is that life changes. You get used to being just two again. If I'm brutally honest it's never as good but I had my DC late in life so had 20 years with DP before children.

@CloudywMeatballs It wasn't just students affected. My DC had graduated but had a really difficult time living alone WFH in a strange city.

Empty nest syndrome is a well known phenomenon, so I find it surprising that it took you by surprise.

My kids are young adults now. In my experience of my friends with kids the same age, the ones who found them going off to university the hardest were those who:

• Had never experienced a devastating bereavement and therefore unimaginable grief (which is a far cry from the sadness of a child leaving home),
• Didn't have any children with special needs who would never get the chance or have the capability of going away to university,
• Didn't have a child who due to the pandemic was forced to spend their entire first year of university online and living at home.

If you're feeling "grief" because your child is going away to university I suggest you remind yourself how lucky you are.

I’m dreading it! My autistic dd heads off soon. It’s not far from home, but she has been very sheltered due to living rurally.
She suddenly decided she wanted to go for it after thinking about a gap year and has been researching everything including how to get from classes to her accommodation, etc She says she is excited about becoming more independent in life.
My biggest fear for her is loneliness as she is socially anxious. She’s going to be in a mixed flat. I just hope she can make a friend. We are not too far at all if she needs us; I just need to stop imagining scenarios!

What? At 18 of course it is. What isn’t natural for 20 and 30 somethings to still be living at home. Many of them have to for financial reasons but it’s not ideal.

Well I don't think it's been kept a secret, people have been talking about empty nest syndrome for years.

I don't think people realise how bad it can be until they go through it themselves though.

@FunnysInLaJardin

My DCs are much older than yours and I think you have to put a positive spin on it in your head.
Children are just lent to us, feel proud that you have brought up a child who is excited to take the next step in life towards being independent. That's a huge achievement! It's a gradual loosening of the reliance on you and them making their way in life. They will always be your children. And be thankful that you have a child who is brave enoough to take this step, some aren't.

Having said that, I remember when no.1 child went to Uni and I took her there, and it was a 2 hour (or more) journey home and I sobbed all the way home! What an empty house it was. However, it was nowhere near as bad with DC2 going to Uni because I knew what to expect.

Also have to add, both my DCs (mid 30s) have such strong friendships from Uni that is worth so so much and they flit in and out of our lives at times too!
It's such a wonderful experience for your child, focus on that if you can!

Excellent reply.
It's completely natural to be apart from adult children, otherwise how do those "children" mature and develop?

This year, DS is off for his final year and DD is going into year 2; when we pack the cars I always have to hold back the tears but after 4 months of trying to keep enough food in the house 😂, I'm kinda looking forward to it just being me and DH for a few weeks before the Xmas onslaught!

But when DS first went to Uni, both DH and I howled all the way home. It was the beginning of the start to him actually leaving home and being independent. When he finishes next year, he'll be moving out to live with his lovely gf. So yes, the first time they go is really, really tough.

Same when DD went last year. Bawled all the way home because, again, it's the start of them leaving home.

All tied in with meno symptoms = an utterly shit time of it if I'm honest.

And I have plenty of hobbies, work etc to keep me busy so it's nowt to do with not having anything else to do/making the kids my world...

Well put and you're absolutely right.
I love my DD and love that she has such a busy and exciting life. But I miss her and I don't care who knows it and what their opinion is of it.
I'm also Fu**Ing boiling and wake up every day around 4 FFS.

I will definitely be sad about not seeing them so often but I think the strongest emotion for me will be pride that they have achieved their dream and excitement for them. I am looking forward to having more time for me and the freedom to make plans without considering whether someone might need a lift. I didn't get upset at any other milestones either though, like first day of school, and have always been excited for their next chapter rather than sad for the last one.

I do think some people get so invested in the minute detail of their DC's lives and decisions that the DC should be responsible for that when they can't it makes them feel even worse. Would be unusual not to feel an element of sadness about it though.