why doesn't anyone tell you about the grief?

Having twins if they both decide on a University path our house will be going from 2 noisy teenagers and all their mates filling the house - to nothing - all in the same year 😩 Am actually quite excited to get back to some degree of coupledom with my OH but I imagine the reality will be tough

Wow you must have lived a very fortunate life then and of course it's totally natural to be apart from your grown up adult children!

Agree. My children became different people when they went to university, it broke me tbh.
My 24yr old is just starting to realise their actions but you can't undo what's happened. My 21yr old - relationship is in tatters. I hope time helps build the vast awful chasm that divides currently.

I’ve got to be honest when my eldest went to university I felt relief. She wanted her own space and was ignoring house rules which isn’t great when she had two younger siblings to set an example for. Yet mostly she has always had this drive and she had out grown school and could not wait to get to university to learn etc. I mean she is 28 now and just got her first grade 7 government job and I couldn’t be more proud of her. That same attitude that often drove me mad is why she is successful now.

I also struggle to use the word grief in this setting more like sadness or missing. I say this because after losing two children aged 9 and 7 I can tell you what true grief feels like.

Grief takes on many guises. It’s not just about physical death.
People all experience things differently and that includes grief.

With respect, I disagree.

I have always had lots of interests and friends outside of the family, but I was completely blindsided by how I felt when the kids went to university- especially the youngest.

I got over it pretty quickly, but man, I felt bereft!

I work from home, that's why I worry about living alone. I'll have to look for a different job, a co-working space, new activities, something. It's not only about feeling lonely, but living with other people brings a certain routine and structure to the day - and I need that.

My 24 year old DS moved into his own home a month ago. I was dreading it and thought I’d cry for weeks. I haven’t cried once but I thinks it’s because he’s overcome so much to get to this point. My over riding feeling is pride. I miss him but we message every day and speak on the phone often.
I still have a 17 year old DS at home, he’s ADHD to the max so it’s sometimes like having 5 kids still at home 😂😂

Well I'm not taking about those scenarios, I'm talking about my own personal one. I have kids who live nearby and who I see regularly but it doesn't stop me missing the ones who have gone away.

I am sorry about your situation and I can understand why you see it that way.

I think its perfectly reasonable to feel sad when your child leaves for university, a sadness that may feel overwhelming at the time. But to call it "grief", and to actually claim that it was "like a bereavement" as a pp has done, is tone-deaf in my opinion.

You have not "lost" your child. They are just staying elsewhere during term time! You can visit, they can come home for the holidays, you can talk on the phone, facetime and text them. It's an adjustment, for sure but it's not a "loss".
It might feel temporarily painful to see significantly less of your child than when they were living at home full time, but it is not remotely comparable to them dying, to knowing you'll never be able to see or speak to them ever again. To try to compare the two is ridiculous.

Children are supposed to grow up and make their own way in the world. It's the natural order of things. Just because something feels difficult doesn't mean it's "traumatic".

When my first child left home it actually felt like a physical pain . The second child , it was seeing his empty room the day he left, that hurt. Now I don't think I would like having them home all the time as having my own space is lovely. Their old room is now a craft room. Obviously I would take them in , no way would I see them homeless.

I agree. Missing someone who is very much alive and kicking and will be back in a few weeks is not grief.

I was asking a question not trying to say anything. I live alone now kids gone but tbh I don't do anything different from when they were there. Still go out regularly, go travelling etc. Work just as much lol although my bills are now cheaper

I agree. Many of us get on with our lives & don’t feel grief. I think it’s disrespectful to parents whose DC have actually died to describe it as grief. It’s just so over dramatic.

Not really sure how to respond to this other than to say that we all experience things differently.

And we all experience different things.

You can't be suggesting that you would be more distressed about an adult you have raised going to universities than you would be if one of your children had died.

Let me see if I can put it another way. Yes, it can be painful and you can miss your child immensely, but surely you can see that it's a good thing for your child?

For example, would you rather your child was capable of going off to university and living independently, or that they had special needs that meant this would never be a possibility?

I have experienced tremendous loss. I have experienced having a child who wish they could be independent but aren't capable of it. I have also experienced a child who is very capable and went to university and now lives in a different city and who I miss tremendously. But the third of these is by far the least painful, and if you haven't experienced anything worse then I stand by my statement that you're incredibly lucky.

I've had 2 go to uni. 1 is back home after suffering violence beyond belief. I am glad every day that they are alive. Our lives have changed beyond all recognition but to call it grief would feel insulting to those who have lost a child. We still have the option of hope for the future.

One of the things that hurts the most is still being needed by a child now in their 20s. I can't imagine wanting for anything more than them being well enough to move back away and them not being the focus of my daily life.

Not really sure how to respond to this other than to say that we all experience things differently.

DS will go off to uni next summer all being well. I have a very full life (and younger DD) but I do feel really really sad about it. I also want to plan so that we live near each other in the future, plenty of cultures don't have such a stark 'kids growing up means kids being far away' assumption. Like I would want to retire fairly near at least one of the kids and would want to be an active grandmother if they have kids. It may be natural them growing up, but it is sad!

You'll have to read some books, I'm not going to educate you.

If you're trying to say I live for my kids and have no life, you're wasting your time. I have a social life and lots of interests. But living alone is very different from living with two amazing people with whom I have great conversations and learn a lot. So, once they leave home, I'll be living alone, and will have to make changes in my life.

If this is the most painful thing you've ever experienced, then you are very lucky indeed and I hope you are counting your blessings that you've never been through a worse experience.

As mentioned WIWIKAU on FB it's full of the same thing : how devastated mums are at their kids going away to uni.
I cannot relate to this feeling myself, as even though my daughter is going in a month, I see it as her growing ever more to who she will become. She is in turns nervous and excited. For me, I am happy in my own company and when she was away for a month on work experience abroad I found I didn't miss her as much as I expected (I'm a widow, she's my youngest and we spend a lot of time together). Of course I will miss her, and I'm sure it will on occasion be lonely on my own in the house. But she'll be back in just over ten weeks! It won't ever be the same again, but that's something to be celebrated, not mourned.
I also want her not to miss me too much - yes her home and her pets, but for a while she considered going to a local uni and living at home and I thought that would hold her back, be too comfortable. She will mature and grow quicker if she is challenged.
Our job is to prepare them for the wider world, not keep them wrapped up in a security blanket, as painful as it may be as they make mistakes, get scared, make bad choices, it's their life to do that and also experience the highs too.
Grieve for your past life of being a full on mum, but celebrate the new individual your child has become. You may feel like you are missing part of your heart, but your aren't - it's just flourishing somewhere else.

Which tribes?

I disagree that it is natural for humans.

You disagree that it's natural that humans raise their children and then they make their own independent lives?

I don't think people mean that you shouldn't see them or hear from them again.

I've always enjoyed the 'next stage' of my children growing up. I remember when they started school absolutely loving hearing the things they had been doing without me.

It was just so interesting hearing what they chose to do and who they chose to spend their time with without my influence. One of mine got into a hobby when they had an incursion in reception and it's something I would never in a million years think of her getting involved in (it's shot put) and she still does it now at eighteen. Thirteen years later.

So for me, I have enjoyed them enjoying things.