why doesn't anyone tell you about the grief?

Very simplistic view, imo, and not borne out by the evidence of the deep levels of distress some parents feel

I came on this thread and it's the opposite of what I expected it to be about.

I call it "living grief" as the person hasn't passed. Yes I went through it to a little extent with 3 of 4 of mine.

By the time I got to the last one to leave home in his 30s though it felt odd it defo was the right time.

3 out of 4 of mine live abroad since uni etc. I've just one local to me. I help out with the grandchildren and visit the others annually.

Grief is a strong word. I've had one child sectioned at 14 and never came home again to live - she's now in supported living.

I've also got an adult son who will likely never live independently away from home.

My two youngest (currently teenagers) will likely go to uni, and although I will miss them, I will feel tbe least amount of 'grief' for them leaving home.

Is that really a necessary comment?

I feel for you all, I live alone, with the empty nest syndrome in the EU. I had one DD who studied at uni (now working and married) in the UK at the same time another was living (for several years) in Australia with DC. Fortunately, my third DD is only living an hour’s drive away, for the moment.

As a parent we are constantly 'losing' our children. I would give anything to spend the odd day with younger DS - particularly around that ages 6.7.8 - but that little boy has gone forever, even though I have a lovely 25 year old son.

Yes so much this! DS is a lovely older teen now and we still get on and chat, but that quirky, funny, huggy little boy who would talk to me all day – I do miss that.

I think it passes quicker than other griefs.

That's what I concluded when I experienced it abd wondered the same.

The pain and loss was replaced by a more positive feeling of hope and pride in her and acknowledgement that she is happier there than she would ever have been at home.

I love my own space and never saw myself as a mum who lived through her DC. I work, do hobbies etc and honestly thought I'd be fine seeing them off to university, but the oldest went last year and I missed him so much. I kept thinking he was at home and what he might like for tea and things like that, then remembering he wasn't there. I am a single mum, so maybe that makes a difference. But yes lots of crying!

It has gradually got better and I've got used to it. But it is an odd thing. That little person that you adore so much and do everything for, of course they grow up and leave but until it happened I hadn't truly got my head round it.

It's horrendous

As a parent we are constantly 'losing' our children. I would give anything to spend the odd day with younger DS - particularly around that ages 6.7.8 - but that little boy has gone forever, even though I have a lovely 25 year old son.

The term/year goes very quickly and they will be back in June with ten times as much stuff as they left with and only take a fraction back next year.
At least now we have whats app and video calls - a far cry from the coin eating phone in the hall of residence corridor.

I think raising a child is always a mix of conflicting emotions, I cried on dds last day at her childminders, I cried when she finished primary school, the teen years have been hard and I've cried lots of tears for various reasons!

Dd is taking a year out now she's finished college and I'm really pleased she is, I'm not ready for her to go yet.

It's just been dd and I so it will feel very quiet when she does go to uni.

…….and just to make it clear in case I get accused of being clingy and trying to hold her back, I support her, visit her, celebrate her achievements and have never tried to guilt-trip her about being far away. She knows I miss her, but want her to live her life, and the two are not mutually exclusive.

I cried all day when I dropped her off last year. Completely sobbed from the minute I dropped her till I went to sleep. But it got easier. She’s been home now since May and she’s going back next week and I can’t bloody wait. I love my daughter, but I think I got used to her not being here and now she uses all my stuff and can get a real cob on over the smallest things when she’s home. I guess what helps is that I have 2 year old twins to keep me busy, without them it might be different.

I think it’s always been the way but you don’t give it any headspace until it’s relevant to you, like so many things in life. You may look forward to a clean kitchen, full fridge and getting a say on what’s on the TV but my goodness when they’ve been such a huge part of your physical and emotional headspace for 18years it’s like a bit of you suddenly going missing.

I brought up 3 children alone after their dad died,honestly they were my whole life, but I was just happy when they were off to uni, I felt I had done my best, but there were certainly some really tough times. My son met his now wife at uni and never really came home again ( I'd really like to see more of him) but both girls returned at different times and the eldest is about 5 years in on her second return. I've never felt tearful about them going,quite relieved and proud .

I know what you mean! My eldest started uni last September, and I was struggling with the idea of it. Then my grandmother, my last living grandparent, passed away suddenly (had been well before that) and unexpectedly the very morning we were due to take him there. It was devastating and I struggled to separate the two different types of grief to work through them.

I felt grief like never before, (not even when my parents died), when my daughter went to study, then work, overseas. I still miss her all the time. And yes, I did and do have a life other than being a mother, and it’s extremely insulting and ignorant for people to assume that just because I miss her, I don’t. You can actually do both, believe it or not.
I cannot in a million years imagine the grief that is experienced if a child of yours dies. I mean that sincerely - and I have enormous respect and admiration for parents whom that has happened to, but who carry on because they have to.
But to say to parents who miss their kids who have moved away that they’re not entitled to feel grief because real grief is reserved for parents whose children have died is cruel and insensitive.
Of course I accept that my grief is nowhere near what it would be if my daughter died. But grief comes in different forms, and as far as I know does not have to be a competition.

So well put!

My mum really struggled when I left for uni. She didn’t have a partner and she didn’t really have hobbies so I think that made it worse.

If it helps, it really improved our relationship because I realised how much I also missed her. I made her promise that she would move with me if I ever moved away from my home town. And she did! We now live 5 mins from each other and see each other almost every day😂.

Uni was the best thing that I ever did and it improved mine and mums relationship immensely. It is the end of an era, but it’s the start of a new one and now that I’m about to become a mum myself I need her more than ever.

I'm glad someone posted this first. My son died and I wish with all my heart he was just going to uni. Get over yourselves.

I find this so strange as I know my own mum was overjoyed to get rid of me and avoid coming to visit me at all costs. As hard as it is for you guys, just know your kids must feel very loved in the knowledge you miss them so terribly ❤️

I missed mine when they went to uni, we are a very close family, and I thought I'd be much sadder. But we talked every day, via text and video chat, even just a quick hi to touch base, and instead of being awful it's actually been lovely seeing them grow and become independent.

Ah ok. Plenty of tribes have customs where adult children leave. For prolonged period or permanently. You said generic ‘tribes’ like ‘tribes’ are one group with the same customs and culture.

You need educating as ‘tribes’ don’t all have the same customs.

If you don’t know which tribes. Just say that. Hiding it in ‘you need to educate yourself’ is just a bit odd and suggests you should said without thinking.

Children becoming independent from their parents is entirely natural. Children being away for several weeks is entirely natural. Think of it as though they are going on an extended hunting expedition, or looking for potential resources and will be back soon. If that makes it feel more natural.

How far back are we looking when you say it’s not natural? Many of the first humans were nomadic. So is it not natural to live in a house for many years? Many things that are ‘natural’ we actively try to work against. being ‘natural’ doesn’t mean it the ideal state of being.

It's awful. Our DS is an only child (NOT by choice, we're lucky to have even one) . The three of us were always a close little team. He went to uni and I was distraught. I didn't guess I'd feel like that. DH and I have a good relationship, share interests, I have friends and a job but I felt so empty. Anyway, I got used to it. Then he came home after graduation and I thought Oh lovely, he'll get a job in a nearby city, settle down, all hunky dory. So what does the little b**r do? Lands a job in Seoul, South Korea. He's been there since before lockdown. So despite the distance, not seeing him throughout the pandemic, constant worry about Seoul being nuked by N Korea, etc., I'm very proud that he's doing his dream job and is happy and healthy (his Korean girlfriend is lovely and loving and keen to spend some years here in the UK which makes me love her even more!). I'm used to him not being at home and I never thought I'd be able to say that. It's his life and I'm happy for him.