why doesn't anyone tell you about the grief?

All I can say to you is that you clearly have no idea what you're talking about but are waffling on to try to appear like you do.

Bereavement and grief are different. You can grieve over many things- it is a deep sense of loss. Bereavement is brief that is specific to the loss of a loved one.

Again, I disagree.

I have two currently at university. I was surprised at how badly my first child leaving hit me. I have a full-time job as a hospital consultant (v v busy), different groups of friends and an active London life. I was excited about my eldest going and thought I would be fine.

However, the first two weeks I would say after coming home were rather brutal. I would feel emotional going to the supermarket. I would pick up things that I would normally buy for them and then have to put them down. I didn’t cry much, not even after dropping them. I just felt empty and flat.

My own feelings I did not liken to grief. But I did say I felt like I had been dumped. That heavy feeling inside, with reminders of the loved one everywhere. I coped much better with the subsequent child. Especially as they FaceTimed me loads!

Both will be leaving again soon and I’m starting to feel a bit sad. It has been a great summer. But I have never cried properly after the first time, although I do feel a bit emotional.

I did schedule in lots of social events for when my kids first left home in order to keep busy.

It is a massive life change and you will never be the biggest focus of their lives again really. I think that was what hit me, almost more than the actual physical absence.

The two things I have which console me are that they haven’t properly ‘left’ until they have moved out and/or are living with their own partners ;-) And also, for me worse than them leaving to go to university and leading full independent lives, would be them not going at all.

Everybody is unique as to how they cope, and I don’t judge anyone.

I don’t think it’s good to dismiss people’s feelings. There is always somebody who has it worse. Financially, health wise, relationship-wise etc. That doesn’t mean you can’t ever complain or worry.

Grief is an emotional response to a loss. If you google it, you can see many causes of grief, including death but also a divorce, a serious diagnosis, losing your home etc. Of course death of a loved one, especially a child is the worst it can get. But does that does not mean that people cannot feel symptoms akin to grief when a child leaves home.

For somebody feeling real symptoms of grief, it is not helpful to tell them that they should be grateful instead. Yes it is good for them as individuals to focus on the positive but I never find it helpful to lecture somebody who is feeling what they feel.

The one thing they do need is to know their audience. Somebody feeling grief at their child leaving home should obviously not be complaining and using words like grief to a friend who has lost a child.

It is real grief. My oldest is off in two weeks and a sadness washes over me, I have cried so much over his leaving. My husband cannot understand it.
I am excited for him and so proud he has got this far but my heart is so heavy. I love him being at home and the contributions he makes to the family and the wider family, I just know I will miss him so much.

Absolutely this!

I hope I feel a lot like most of you. I already dread my kids leaving,

My mum told me I no longer had a bedroom as it was slightly bigger, moved my younger sibling into that room and said I know could stay in the spare room when ever I visited. She spoke about how she never wanted to return home so assumed I would be the same. I never really felt welcome home, so I never returned, I have so much jealousy for some of your kids abd how much you love them / being around them

These comments validate what another human being is feeling. I think they call it empathy. It’s dismissing other people’s genuine feelings that doesn’t help anyone.

I voted YABU because people do tell you. It's everywhere leading up to start of uni. Online articles, social media, Mumsnet etx

Also, how could you not realise?

Either you've been like by ng under a rock or in denial.

And yes - it's heartbreaking and brutal and, personally, has not gotten any easier gmine is about to start 3rd year. They've been on the other side of the world for 2 months for the whole summer on a placement. I tried to prepare in their last year of school as I knew, realistically that they'd never really live at home again after A levels. There's no preparation. You just have to go through it.

It's horrible and hard but teyg to focus on the positives. Rhsyre making their own lives, new friends, new adventures, new opportunities. If we're good parents, we'll have made their transition manageable and enjoyable with minimal stress and anxiety. They'll be confident and happy.

Best of luck to you all and hopefully, it will become more acceptable and less painful for you

Think of it this way. If they had wanted to go but hadn't been able to or had gone and decided they hated it you would have felt a different sort of grief. Imagine if they were still at home and feeling miserable and/or rudderless while all their friends were away having a great time. Also, they will be back before you know it for holidays etc and you can also go and visit. Think of your own life when you were their age and off doing things. Your children will always need you. Meanwhile, do all the things you enjoy and enjoy the freedom to do them.

So many posters on here criticising the op for using the word grief.
While it's not the same grief we experience with death and bereavement it's still a sadness that they're feeling, and in no way did the op belittle anyone else's grief she simply stated that it was harder than expected to have her child go away from home.
She didn't write it to make anyone feel bad so why don't others offer her the same courtesy.

My dad felt it when I went to university 30 years ago.

Well said

Maybe add wasn't divorced and had to have their children be away from the from an early age to this list too, as I can't see an adult leaving home being as devastating as having to wave a reluctant 4 year old off.

Miss them terribly I get. Grief, though? Really?

Sadness, or grief, if you like, is not a competition

In the context, this is possibly the worst thing I’ve ever seen posted on this board. Suggest you edit.

Sadness, or grief, if you like, is not a competition. I know exactly how you feel @FunnysInLaJardin . My two eldest went to University on the same day (they are a year apart but oldest son had to resit) I even managed to miss taking them, and their Dad did the job, who is far less emotional than me (I was unavoidably in the US with work when the day came). I am not a particularly emotional person, but my heart hurt so much that I could not stop crying, but I knew they would be getting the best opportunity ever and I should just "get over it", so I was also sort of happy too, but as every second and message ticked past "just dropped DC1 off" it hurt more. I eventually pulled myself together, because I knew my kids would not want me crying and they were about to live their best times and I would be seeing them again before too long. But yeah, really hard. And although I said "it is not a competition" you have to justify yourself sometimes on mumsnet - my first son died as a baby. Dreadful time but It is a long time ago, and the grief at the time has now become easier to cope with. No-one should get to tell you what you should or should not be sad about. If i have to offer one bit of practical help, it is worse in the imagining of it, than the actual event and the thereafter. x

It is hard,I remember it well and well bereft when my dd went to uni.a friend said she’d give her high teeth to see he DS be able to live independently as he had special needs,and it wouldn’t happen for him.
that made me think.
also she came home every break they have and we soon settled int that routine.Shes on elastic and pings back often!

Absolutely yes, like there's always someone and somewhere for them to go, whatever happens

That’s not what she was saying though, I think it’s more in reference to the ‘grief’. Just because some aren’t bereft and devastated when their kids go to uni, it doesn’t mean they don’t want to spend time with them or they aren’t their favourite people. I think the majority of mums feel like that about their kids, I certainly do but I don’t want to descend into a depressed state when they are healthy, happy, doing what they want to do and are ready for it.

Maybe, it definitely feels like it! Or maybe loads agree with you but don’t want to say it. I’m really excited for mine and grateful that I get to see it. Sick of all the negativity, it would be very easy to just sink into it thinking that’s how we should feel and then it just snowballs into depression! .I think some mums think it proves how close they are but that’s a load of rubbish, I’m really close to mine and will miss him so much but I’m not letting that ruin this exciting (and very proud and fortunate) time.

They’ll be back, don’t worry. Too expensive for them to live independently as we did in the 80/90s unless they want to rough it or have a huge trust fund.

I love this..

Totally agree and I think so many mums make each other worse, ‘oh it’s so dreadful, I sobbed for weeks’ - we are bloody lucky!!