why doesn't anyone tell you about the grief?

It's good to read this thread because you're often made to feel you're BU to feel this way. You know all the theory - be proud of their success and independence etc etc but somehow it never helps despite almost daily contact.

Mine are all mid 20s now, nearest is 200 miles away, the other two working abroad. I feel the most profound emptiness and grief every day. When I'm with them I feel like I will burst with joy.

I am pleased to hear that. Sometimes the bit beforehand can almost be worse. Just remember that when you feel emotional🤗 it’s only natural to feel that way and a reminder to give yourself some extra kindness and consider what will help you feel better. When my eldest left I had a teary few days but gradually it turned into arranging lunch dates when I visited and part of the normal again.

@Grammarnut I can't help but wondering if subliminally this influences Emma's choice of marrying her dad's best mate who lives just across the grounds so to speak - imagine how upset Mr Wodehouse would have been if she'd had to travel away!

In 'Emma' the heroine's father, Mr Wodehouse, treats every marriage as a death. He refers to his married DD as 'poor Isabella', and says of the newly married Miss Trent (now Mrs Weston) as she leaves with her new husband on her wedding day, that it was clear she did not want to leave and go to her married home - whereas the reality was she was desperate to get away and get to bed and have sex and begin a life as mistress of her own home, rather than being governess/companion to Emma. Just an analogy.

Exactly, beautifully described. It is the natural order of things but there is grief nontheless

How are you getting on now OP? I am so sorry to hear of all your losses.

@FunnysInLaJardin There's been alot of posts so I don't know if your saw mine.

I've had alot of bereavement including my late mom and unexpectedly my late husband.

Regarding children leaving home and the like the term I use is "living grief"

The emotions can be as raw and horrible. All of mine are left home now. I've had many other things happen that I would class in the same away as "living grief"

I just find it makes others and I more comfortable. TGC

It might evoke feelings of grief but the child presumably will occasionally return home. There's no return when a child is dead.

Yes, people feel sad when their children leave home. If it is the first grief you have had think yourself lucky.

Grief is defined as feelings of intense sadness and emptiness following great loss. Surely the loss of the continuous presence in the family home of a DC can evoke feelings of grief. Certainly I've always thought of homesickness as a kind of grief for home, family and familiarity.

Just dropped off DD. No sign of grief yet. Planning to have fishcakes for tea (DD hates fish) 😬

I think a lot of the fragmentation of families is due to the UK having its main decent jobs concentrated in a few big cities and there often being no graduate level jobs, or sometimes even no universities, within commuting distance, also not helped by poor public transport. A graduate from Cumbria going into actuarial profession can’t live at home and commute, they have to move to York, Manchester, Leeds, London, Bristol or Edinburgh. There are simply no actuarial offices of big banks, insurers nor accountants in Cumbria anymore - they were taken over and relocated to London!

Most other countries seem to spread their industries over a wider part of the country.

its what whole regions of the uk are struggling and left with low wages retail or tourism if you’re not going to be a teacher or health care worker which are the only graduate jobs in some areas unless you want to work in tiny professional offices with limited potential.

That's sad that you were made to feel that way.
Your children are lucky to have a mother like you that loves them so much and one that won't make them feel as you were made to feel.

Totally agree with you.
I don't understand why people join these chats and then try to turn them into something else and make people feel bad it's just ridiculous.

Our DD26 is home for a week from her overseas employment. Prior to commencing work with them, she also was at Uni several hours away, so I’m hearing you very much! I looked forward to her arrival, and I’m already dreading the date of departure.

As a non Uk resident, we also lost 3 christmases spent together due to covid lockdowns and being in separate countries. so I feel a sense of shift in our relationship from how it used to be… but maybe that’s also part of stepping back as a parent.?

I remember reading in the months leading up to giving birth, all sorts of parenting books and heading off to Doctor and pre natal appointments. We don’t get that same level of preparedness (IMO) for when they depart, it just isn’t talked about or maybe we just don’t listen to those going through this transition.

I was shocked at a couple of friends who basically kicked the kids out at 18 and sold family homes. Each to their own of course, but it wasn’t my idea of family.

I too took on hobbies, found some stray pets to love and generally tried to get on with things, but there’s an ache, or an itch that cannot be scratched. Hard to describe but you all at this stage will understand.

I’m delighted we have had a successful launch, and I wouldn’t want a baby again (maybe this is why people embrace being grand parents but we aren’t at this stage yet), so I know there are positives, but I’m feeling what you are too!

Totally agree, it's very hard.
But the feeling doesn't last and what people also won't tell you is that it'll also be quite difficult to have them back again after term 1!!
And that you really don't need to worry because they'll in all likelihood be living with you again when they finish!
But there's no escaping it - and it's a good thing to see them take flight.

I have found it really heartening to read so many opinions on this. I have been feeling very emotional at times, and I sometimes feel it’s wrong to feel like this or unusual as we are all so blessed with this experience. It’s been such a helpful thread so thank you to the OP and to everyone who has shared.

Thank you!
“We’re allowed to disagree on here” is exactly what I was trying to emphasise! So we agree on that!
But some posters don’t come across that way at all - they are right and alternative opinions just have no agency. And on a subject such as this that can be quite hurtful.
And my pants are quite calm thank you……..at least they were last time I checked…,,

Calm the pants @Cesarina. We're allowed to disagree on here.

@usernother In her opinion she’s right. Other PPs agree. I respect their right to share this opinion, because that’s what it is - an opinion, not fact. In my opinion she isn’t right, and other PPs agree. Why can’t you afford us the same respect as I give to you? Is it so difficult to accept that trying to dictate what people are allowed to feel is not a good look?

I can’t believe how many unsympathetic people have posted on this thread. The OP is trying to describe how she is feeling now and asking for a bit of support. Why can’t people engage with the sentiment rather than criticising the words used?

it is hard when children leave home. Some find it easier than others. I know exactly what the OP is going through at this time and hope she finds a way to cope. Perhaps opening her heart up on Mumsnet wasn’t such a good idea but I hope she has found some comfort.