why doesn't anyone tell you about the grief?

Please understand you are not experiencing grief. You have not lost your beloved child . you will get to see,hear,touch and smell them. Your child attending uni is not a trauma. Get a grip springs to mind.

There are a few threads on here expressing similar sentiments including one of primary aged children thinking about this ahead of time. I'm very aware that with motherhood comes loss in different forms and my life experiences have taught me to focus on the present as much as possible but I do also have an eye on the future.

One thing I hadn't appreciated until I had my babies is just how the idea of not being with them every day hits people differently. My own mum was incredibly sad when I left for university but didn't show it inappropriately. I only found out about 10 years later when I moved back in unexpectedly and we lived together for another two years. That was such a lovely time, to live together as adult mum and daughter.

So you never know OP.

Pay no attention! As if having interests and loving children are mutually exclusive! Some people will never get it, that some parents love their children more than they do love theirs, if they love them at all. Pay no attention. And yes, of course the silliest story my dc tell me is a zillion times more important than any of my hobbies/interests.

Why criticise people for expressing love and feeling sad at things changing? Sounds like you are very bitter.

I voted YABU, only because I don’t think it’s a secret. I went to University 20 years ago and DM was devastated; took her a long time to get over it and said it was like a bereavement. MIL is a bit tougher, but she said she’d start crying when she went round the supermarket and saw food DH liked to eat.

My DS is 5 and I’m dreading it. I miss him whenever we’re apart already. But, we have to be grateful. Grateful to have NT children who can go and do such things, and grateful if our DC safely make it to adulthood to have these experiences.

Best to keep yourself busy, keep working and get a puppy.

This is why I love mumsnet - there are excellent mums on here, like on this thread. It is such a pleasure to read it after a thread with some individuals moaning about not being bothered to cook for their children, having charged them for it on a monthly basis, or posts from mums who want to push their mentally ill sons out of the house because their 'partner' prefers it.

I totally understand how you feel - but be happy they were accepted to read the subject they want and look forward to their coming home for holidays! And oh boy, will they appreciate your cooking, your care, your presence all the more for it! Your time with them during their uni hols will be doubly special for you! And they will have so much to tell you when they come home!

I feel like Im weird in that I don’t feel this way. I’m stunned at the outpourings on WIWIKAU- and really can’t relate. Parenting teenagers- even easy, lovely teenagers- is hard work. As long as dd is mostly happy, I think I’ll be mostly happy (and very proud of her) too. But I can’t wait for some alone time, a tidy house, no late night cooking/loud phone calls/voice notes, the everything showers, the dramas. I feel I always have to give the caveat that I love her to pieces, but it’s absolutely right that teenagers move out and go to uni/find their path in life.

I drop DD off on the 28th and start my new job on the 30th. I'm hoping this will plug the gap. I can't stop looking at her as I can't believe I won't see her every day.

DS1 is off to uni next month. I'll miss him but I have two younger ones still at home to keep me busy!

It never ends my 24yo just went travelling for 3 months. Walking away from the airport I felt the same knot in my stomach as I did leaving him at nursery.

The saddest thing ever was dc4 sobbing aged 8 all the way back from Bristol to Kent because we'd just dropped dd1 off. Now youngest dd is 20 and headed off for her third year at the other end of the country.

I remember how important it was for me to head off to university for my own independence. Seems there's always someone at home these days even though they are 30, 28, 27 and 20 and two are home owners!!

Next week I've rented a big place in France and three of the four are able to make their way down there with their partners. Won't be the same without ds but he and his gf would definitely be there if time/other people's weddings allowed.

It evolves. Stick with it and you'll have lots of fun - different fun but good fun.

I felt enormous pride that my third son was off to uni. I brought three up as a single parent and I had successfully instilled in them how important education is. No grief here.

Bless you @FunnysInLaJardin It will get better I promise. You do feel sad and blue for a while. Took me from the September my DC left - to Easter - for me to not feel blue and low at the thought of my DC not being here, but another 2 or 3 terms before I sort of got used to it more and didn't feel too bad. You'll get there I promise! 🤗

My colleagues child is going soon. How best do I support her (mum not daughter) ?

Does anyone else remember Eskimo Day, the BBC drama/comedy/film? Jack Rosenthal nailed it as only he could.

Our ds went to uni last September, only child.
DH and I booked a week away for October half term and planned other things to do that we could have done whilst he was at home but didn't.
We also visited him in the middle of terms to break it up a bit.
It's hard but you really do get used to it and you cherish the times they come home.
Good luck xx

Just be grateful you had a full nest. Some people never get that.

It's hard when they leave home and an adjustment, but it's not grief. You'll still get to see them and hear from them regularly. They haven't died. Then you'd have grief.

I had a sad 5 minutes when I got home after dropping ds1 at uni 3 years ago. And subsequently a sad couple of minutes each time after that.
Then he drives me mad in the holidays.

@sunseaandsoundingoff I feel the same as OP just a few years later and I've definitely carved my own life away from my kids. Always worked full time, have a great, fulfilling career, very close to my family, lots of friends, have always had breaks and holidays away from the kids, regular nights out, hobbies. You shouldn't be so judgemental!

Empty nest syndrome is a well-known phenomenon @FunnysInLaJardin

Seems tough initially but seeing your children fly is both exciting and fascinating.

You will get there. 💐

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2022/sep/15/it-struck-me-like-a-thunderbolt-how-to-survive-empty-nest-syndrome-and-come-out-smiling

I think it's so weird. On one hand I'm excited and so proud that she's going and has the confidence to forge her own way ahead in a city far away. On the other hand it's going to seem so strange. especially as she's our only child. She has prepared us for life without her though because we've hardly seen her for the last 6 months- what with travelling, working, constantly going out and staying over at friends' and at her boyfriends it's felt like we've partly lost her already x

It's horrendous 😭. I thought I was OK about it until the Friday before he left, then the floodgates opened and stayed open for quite some time...

Carol-Ann Duffy has edited a wonderful book of poetry called Empty Nest which captures the complex feelings well. I’d really recommend it.

For me, DS has had a slightly rocky road to uni so along with worrying about missing him I also feel relieved that he made it and very pleased and excited for him. I think it’s good to allow yourself to feel all these emotions.

I agree not everyone feels this. We will have 3 at Uni this year and we cannot wait to get the house back after summer holidays and hear about their adventures over the phone and in the holidays. I am not at all sad. I might be a bit anxious though as my youngest is likely to struggle at Uni initially and that will worry me.