why doesn't anyone tell you about the grief?

I think the infantilisation and projection of parents’ feelings onto young adults is worrying. It is really important to change from an adult/child relationship to an adult/adult one gradually but surely. I really look forward to (hopefully) sending my children off to independently study at university.

I think you have to prepare yourself positively for it.

And I don’t want them back after uni. I will help them rent or buy somewhere.

I hope that we will be friends as adults and I can enjoy their company as a trusted advisor and equal. I cannot imagine a 21 year old either asking ‘Dad, what’s for dinner’ or effectively living in a house share where we negotiate who has rights to the kitchen at what times.

They tagged their friend who has lost their own child? Wow, talk about tone death. That’s one of the most insensitive things I’ve ever read. I didn’t see that thread but I agree about the use of the word grief, it’s completely inappropriate. I see it a lot on the WIWIKAU group, and find it completely insensitive to anyone who has lost a child. How can anyone even begin to think it’s compatible?

Yes, that's my point...

Sorry double post!

If you go to the Parents With Adult Children forum, this is discussed there.

Being a second gen immigrant myself, all I will say is: its hard, but your kids may emigrate.

If you go to the Parents With Adult Children forum, this is discussed there.

Being a second gen immigrant myself, all I will say is: its hard, but your kids may emigrate.

I felt a bit sad when DS went to uni, but largely is as excited for him. He starts year 3 soon and heads back next weekend and I can’t believe how fast it’s gone. In the Facebook group I’ve seen some mothers compare it to grief which I think is OTT. You haven’t lost your child, they are just moving on with adult life as they should do. My youngest goes in 2yrs and I’ve got plans to relocate back up north, and I am looking forward to that. I know they will always come home, and it’s the natural order of life. My life is very busy, I’ve been able to throw myself more into my career since my kids grew up and have interests and hobbies for myself. I only see that as a good thing. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss my kids, as I do. I left home at 18 and so did my brother.

It's hard and sad but it's definitely natural and the normal course.

My dd is autistic so I hope she gets her independence when she feels ready. It's not yet tho

Ds May go off. I'll
Miss him but it's the way it should
Be.

Animals reject there offspring as soon as they can in nature to make them
Learn.

Human are unatural if you ask
Me.

Brilliant attitude!
Well done you for getting your 3 to adulthood by yourself, it's not easy. !

What would you have done if you knew in advance? Stop your child leaving home until you die?
I think this is 'unacknowledged' because most people miss their children when they leave home, but not at a 'grief' level. Who would you want to acknowledge it, and what should be done once it is acknowledged?

It's really hard. Luckily for me, I had an accidental baby when my elder two were 10 and 8, so I have cunningly avoided the sadness of an empty nest for a good few years!

Mine live 300 miles away! Should we all be living next door to each other??

I don't think k I'd better look at that page you mention as might drive me mad.

I've never had the "grief" either. 2 of mine grown up and married with jobs and families if their own and youngest about to start 3rd year at uni with plans to move abroad after graduation.

I can't see why would feel grief at successfully raising I ndependent adults but each to their own

Haven’t read all the messages so apologies if someone’s already added this, but thought I’d post this from the weekend’s Observer from Philippa Perry IMO she’s THE best agony aunt. I put it on the WIWIKAU Facebook page too which one PP rightly noted is full of anxious parents (mostly mums) atm
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/aug/25/i-miss-my-adult-children-so-much-it-feels-like-grief?CMP=Share_iOSApp_Other

"It's the most painful thing I've ever experienced. It's not natural to be apart from our children."

I completely disagree. We are just a carrier, a protector, a vehicle. Our job is to produce confident well rounded humans who then go off to have their own adventures.

I disagree, pp's berating user147. Sometimes we all need to be told to 'get a grip'.

I am the same, two autistic adults who didn't go to university and who may never leave home.
It's wonderful having them around, but also a big worry about the future.
It's good to read that there are others out there in a similar situation, as most of my family have children off at uni or working away from home.

People do talk about it. Quite a lot. In general. Also on mn. 100's of threads about it.

I didn't feel it much, as I was just so pleased for ds1, was proud that I'd fulfilled my role as a mum to get him there, to that point.

It's the most painful thing I've ever experienced. It's not natural to be apart from our children.

@HowDidYouGuess thank you, that is pretty much the reply I would have written.
I'm deeply sorry for those who have lost a child here. But there is more than one type of grief and I am capable of recognising my own emotions at my advanced age. As is OP and others who have agreed.

No one is trying to diminish the grief of those who have lost a child. Neither is anyone trying to compare the two. Allow the OP her feelings.

Agree

It gets better. I'm not dreading my DD going back for her second term because we've had such a wonderful summer.
I made sure I saw her every five weeks and sent her things in between. We messages quite a bit and spoke at least once a week. It is a shock.

I was the opposite. Delighted they went far away to have fun ! I did exactly the same in the seventies.
Always nice to see them on occasional weekends and holidays but I enjoyed life without them in the house. Still do!
Doesn't mean I'm a shit mother, or love them less than those sobbing in their pillows.

I think there are different types of grief; obviously they’re not all equal.

Some parents really intensely feel the absence of their child when they fly the nest. And for many it is a loss of sorts - it’s a loss of a family life that might not ever be the same again. It’s the final loss of their childhood. No matter how many of your own interests you cultivate, for some people the pain is very real.

It goes without saying that it’s not comparable to losing a child. Not even a teensy, tiny bit. Not at all. But that doesn’t mean that it’s still not a type of grief.

FWIW, I won’t ever experience this. I have two autistic DC. One has very high needs and will be at home for life. The other, my DD, I don’t know. There’s a very good chance she’ll always be here with me too. Life isn’t easy (understatement of the year!) but weirdly I console myself with the fact that at least I won’t ever have to cope with an empty nest and waving them both off. I can imagine finding that really bloody hard so big hugs and sympathy to anyone struggling to deal with it.

Wow. My mum was like here’s your hat what’s your hurry.
I’m the third.
For my brother, the first, she sat in his room and sobbed at this little sign he had that said “keep smiling.”