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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think im not at fault here!!!!

186 replies

Ivenamechangedsomanytimes · 28/08/2024 21:20

Long rambling Post to follow!
Long time poster, name change to hide my humiliation!!!
Perimenopausse which doesn't help but I'm on HRT, which helps somewhat.
I'm starting to think DH isn't a very nice man. Or very nice to me should I say. Been together a long time.

Different personalities but always had a good relationship. I suppose I'm a bit highly strong and perhaps talk too much and too much shit. 😅
DH has always been quite easy going and very tolerant of me and very forgiving if i upset him or had a row. (Not that I've done anything bad!!!).
Except now he's not. Over the past few years he's very intolerant of me. Calls me out on everything I do to piss him off.
I've challenged him over this and he said he's not putting up with my shit.

I can accept my faults and offer to change , or we can split if I'm so bad. He denies he's unhappy.
He says he doesn't want me to change the way I am which is confusing. But seems to think its perfectly OK to pull me up on stuff and then just expect me to forget it.

We have 2 teenagers who I have always been very close to. They are good kids.
I feel like I'm being paranoid , as I now think they are taking their dad's side.
We were on holiday last week and mostly had a fab time. One day we were out and one was cheeky to me and I pulled them up. Teen said I was crazy and embarrassing. And some of the stuff they found funny about me is no longer funny. I get that. They are teens.
Same day, we all had a minor spat whilst playing a board game. I said let's leave the game as it getting argumentative. Dh said "your mum is mental ".
I was raging but didn't want a further row do let it go.
I'm looking at my future and thinking what's in store?
Teens won't want to come away with us in a few years and I adore my holidays. I cannot bear to think of me and DH with him snapping at me and speaking to me like I'm a child or modifying my behaviour.

I know he loves me and i I love him. We lots of happy times.
Things have changed though and DC are growing up. We had such happy times when they were little. Not sure what I'm asking here. Maybe if anyone been through similar?
And if anyone had advice about taking teens on holiday please help!!!!,as I'm also starting to feel I'm forcing them to do stuff or go places I Like. They are school age. I give them options and we go to various places, UK and abroad.

OP posts:
suburberphobe · 29/08/2024 01:50

would couples therapy be an option?

Save your money. Most of them are crap and have little life experience in my opinion.

Wait till your kids have flown the nest, save as much money as you can and then go travel solo.

No therapist can beat that. You will find yourself again.

Then come home and see if there's a future with him.

setmestraightplease · 29/08/2024 01:26

@Josette77 She admittedly talks all the time. It's completely valid for her dh to be exhausted by that. No one can sustain listening to someone chatter all day

an interesting interpretation of what OP actually said!

Josette77 · 29/08/2024 00:58

setmestraightplease · 29/08/2024 00:20

@WhichEllie Well it’s still not very clear but I’m wondering if your teens sometimes acting annoyed with you (normal for all teens and parents) has caused your husband to notice more and also become more irritated. I’m sure there are small changes you could make, such as less stream-of-consciousness chatter and nipping the “x days until!” in the bud, that wouldn’t make you feel like you were repressing yourself.

And I'm wondering why women always have to make the 'small changes' to accommodate everyone else ............... e.g teens who are still learning that they're not the centre of the universe and husbands who still need to learn that they are not the centre of the universe ..........

Yes, it's normal for people to get annoyed with other people's behaviour.

Please don't just assume it's always* *the woman's fault.

She admittedly talks all the time. It's completely valid for her dh to be exhausted by that. No one can sustain listening to someone chatter all day.

setmestraightplease · 29/08/2024 00:20

@WhichEllie Well it’s still not very clear but I’m wondering if your teens sometimes acting annoyed with you (normal for all teens and parents) has caused your husband to notice more and also become more irritated. I’m sure there are small changes you could make, such as less stream-of-consciousness chatter and nipping the “x days until!” in the bud, that wouldn’t make you feel like you were repressing yourself.

And I'm wondering why women always have to make the 'small changes' to accommodate everyone else ............... e.g teens who are still learning that they're not the centre of the universe and husbands who still need to learn that they are not the centre of the universe ..........

Yes, it's normal for people to get annoyed with other people's behaviour.

Please don't just assume it's always* *the woman's fault.

WhichEllie · 29/08/2024 00:06

Well it’s still not very clear but I’m wondering if your teens sometimes acting annoyed with you (normal for all teens and parents) has caused your husband to notice more and also become more irritated. I’m sure there are small changes you could make, such as less stream-of-consciousness chatter and nipping the “x days until!” in the bud, that wouldn’t make you feel like you were repressing yourself. They’re too old for the days countdowns anyway.

It is very annoying that he doesn’t seem to want to talk about it though. It sounds like he’s rather shite at communicating.

setmestraightplease · 29/08/2024 00:05

@Ivenamechangedsomanytimes What made me so mad was next day he was chirpy and didn't mention it!

Did you tell him how upset you are?

The way he deals with it will tell you a lot about your relationship.
And the way he responds will also tell you if you want to be with someone who responds in that way?

Sometimes we get caught up in the habit of 'having a relationship' and forget to remember whether it brings us happiness

Original poster
Ivenamechangedsomanytimes · 28/08/2024 23:31

@Josette77
I'm.definitely clinging onto their childhood which is a bit sad, I know. But I'm not babying them. We do age appropriate stuff , it's not me being silly all the time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ivenamechangedsomanytimes · 28/08/2024 23:28

setmestraightplease · 28/08/2024 23:18

@Ivenamechangedsomanytimes

AutumnFroglets
I said let's leave the game as it getting argumentative. Dh said "your mum is mental ".
What he said is NOT acceptable.
I can accept my faults and offer to change , or we can split if I'm so bad. He denies he's unhappy.
But what about you? You are unhappy but he won't accept marriage counselling so it leaves you in limbo. I think I would call his bluff and say it's time (provided you mean it).
One thing I have recently learnt. It doesn't matter if he is in the wrong or you are, what matters is the relationship is no longer working and at least one of you is unhappy. The relationship will end in resentment and anger and be very toxic to be in. That is not good for either of you. You could always go to counselling by yourself so you can work out what you want and how to achieve it

This is excellent advice.

He should not be saying things like "your mum is mental " to your children - what kind of person drags children into marital problems?

I can accept my faults and offer to change , or we can split if I'm so bad. He denies he's unhappy.
Decide what you want - don't just offer to change to please someone else just because you're married to him and don't expect him to make all the decisions about you both.
There's a difference between compromise between two people and just doing what someone else wants so they don't leave. You don't have to wait for him to agree to a split ...............

If he has a problem with you that he wants to resolve, then he needs to address it with you and accept the offer of counselling.

if he doesn't want to discuss it, then you have a different problem . Because you've given him options to explore how to get through it.

The real problem here is deciding what you want to do.

Do you want to let him make all the decisions, or do you want to have a say in your life? x

Agree to all of the above.
I was fuming about the mum is mental comment.
We were playing a board game and dc were bickering and I got arsey and said let's scrap the game!! Everyone was like: what?!
And then Dp made the comment. I'd have ripped into him if DC weren't there and we weren't on holiday.
What made me so mad was next day he was chirpy and didn't mention it!

OP posts:
Josette77 · 28/08/2024 23:27

Are you clinging to thier childhood?

Is it possible you aren't connecting with them as teenagers and young adults?

Can you maybe reframe it as getting to know them again in this new phase of their lives?

I think it's unreasonable to expect someone to listen to your every though.

Ds and I both have ADHD. He talks A LOT. I eventually zone out and need to lie down. It's exhausting.

Original poster
Ivenamechangedsomanytimes · 28/08/2024 23:22

@Josette77
I prob do express my thoughts a lot and think out loud. Agree it's exhausting.
I feel DH prefers a watered down version of me, which is basically me thinking about everything that I say. This is hard for me.

Im Not immature, and I find immature people super annoying. I Act daft with dc but not all the time! We have normal sensible conversations too! I just say stuff like oh only 18 days till holiday. Or 150 sleeps to Xmas. Mostly they laugh and join in. Now I just feel I'm clinging on to their childhood and its all a bit sad.

OP posts:
setmestraightplease · 28/08/2024 23:18

@Ivenamechangedsomanytimes

AutumnFroglets
I said let's leave the game as it getting argumentative. Dh said "your mum is mental ".
What he said is NOT acceptable.
I can accept my faults and offer to change , or we can split if I'm so bad. He denies he's unhappy.
But what about you? You are unhappy but he won't accept marriage counselling so it leaves you in limbo. I think I would call his bluff and say it's time (provided you mean it).
One thing I have recently learnt. It doesn't matter if he is in the wrong or you are, what matters is the relationship is no longer working and at least one of you is unhappy. The relationship will end in resentment and anger and be very toxic to be in. That is not good for either of you. You could always go to counselling by yourself so you can work out what you want and how to achieve it

This is excellent advice.

He should not be saying things like "your mum is mental " to your children - what kind of person drags children into marital problems?

I can accept my faults and offer to change , or we can split if I'm so bad. He denies he's unhappy.
Decide what you want - don't just offer to change to please someone else just because you're married to him and don't expect him to make all the decisions about you both.
There's a difference between compromise between two people and just doing what someone else wants so they don't leave. You don't have to wait for him to agree to a split ...............

If he has a problem with you that he wants to resolve, then he needs to address it with you and accept the offer of counselling.

if he doesn't want to discuss it, then you have a different problem . Because you've given him options to explore how to get through it.

The real problem here is deciding what you want to do.

Do you want to let him make all the decisions, or do you want to have a say in your life? x

Josette77 · 28/08/2024 23:13

It sounds like you express all of your thoughts which can be very exhausting.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong, but it kinda sounds like you act immature a lot? You find it cute, but your kids and husband don't.

Original poster
Ivenamechangedsomanytimes · 28/08/2024 23:10

@Holidayhell22
I'm.trying to do this.
I think for years I've been taking DC places I love and they grew to love and enjoy, now they are getting older and don't share the enthusiasm.
Feel like I'm dragging it out too long. Don't thing DH cares if we go away or not and certainly wouldn't suggest it.
Feel like everything is slipping away.
And my future with older dc and disinterested Dh is a bit sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ivenamechangedsomanytimes · 28/08/2024 23:06

No I don't act funny to make people laugh.
I have a good sense of humour outside of the house, with friends and at work etc.
At home, probably I mean I'm always singing, calling dc and pets daft names. Everyone kind of plays along!
Dh is more sensible.

I think I go on a bit. Like I will say oh I wish we had gone to X pub for dinner tonight instead of Y as food is better and I mither I've made the wrong choice. In the past, DH would laugh, now he looks exasperated. And tells me to stop going on. I'm.often just thinking out loud.

On holiday, I will ask Dc if they have enjoyed themselves, did all the things they wanted etc. I'm.trying to be kind and accommodate everyone. Now I'm just plain annoying.

Another example is I have a very stressful job and if I come home and rant and discuss with DH, he finds it annoying and tells me to let it go. Making me regret opening up.

OP posts:
WhichEllie · 28/08/2024 22:46

Sorry, I think you’re going to have to provide some specific examples of what you mean and situations where he’s been snappish or pulled you up. I can’t really figure out what it is you’re doing, so maybe he’s just a dick. Do you mean that you act silly/dumb/like a dingbat on purpose to be funny? I could definitely see how that would wear on someone’s nerves eventually.

Nightowl1234 · 28/08/2024 22:43

Ivenamechangedsomanytimes · 28/08/2024 22:17

@DoreenonTill8
Absolutely not.
I'm.not a big personality. I act daft at home. Think dc always thought I was fun,now they think I'm embarrassing.
Outside of home, friends would thinknim good company and a laugh I guess.

I'm not loud or opinionated. Just chatty and I mither a lot and go over stuff( in a light hearted way). Dh seems to find this irritating.

Oh I’m so sorry but I can see how annoying this could be for some people. I mean this thread is relatively short and you’ve already repeated yourself and “mithered” a fair bit… And an adult “acting daft” does sound super annoying. Sorry. I can see how that can wear someone down over time. But you are who you are I guess… it’s a bit unfair of him to expect you to change after so long.

ThinWomansBrain · 28/08/2024 22:40

can you afford to separate on a trial basis? leave them all to it for a bit?

Holidayhell22 · 28/08/2024 22:38

Op can you do things with other people instead of with dh?
I don’t mean all the time but have nights/days out with friends? Would that help?

Original poster
Ivenamechangedsomanytimes · 28/08/2024 22:33

@AutumnFroglets
This^
And this is what I try to say.
But it's making me miserable!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Ivenamechangedsomanytimes · 28/08/2024 22:32

@Augustisnearlydonesogoodbyesun
I have both, thanks😀

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 28/08/2024 22:32

What do.you mean by I act daft at home. Think dc always thought I was fun,now they think I'm embarrassing and I go over stuff is it light hearted or draining to other people?

AutumnFroglets · 28/08/2024 22:22

I said let's leave the game as it getting argumentative. Dh said "your mum is mental ".
What he said is NOT acceptable.

I can accept my faults and offer to change , or we can split if I'm so bad. He denies he's unhappy.
But what about you? You are unhappy but he won't accept marriage counselling so it leaves you in limbo. I think I would call his bluff and say it's time (provided you mean it).

One thing I have recently learnt. It doesn't matter if he is in the wrong or you are, what matters is the relationship is no longer working and at least one of you is unhappy. The relationship will end in resentment and anger and be very toxic to be in. That is not good for either of you. You could always go to counselling by yourself so you can work out what you want and how to achieve it.

Augustisnearlydonesogoodbyesun · 28/08/2024 22:19

Find an alternative allie at home. A dcat or ddog... Leave the misery guts to it. Your dc wil wise up in time. All dm's are embarrassing to teens op.

thismummydrinksgin · 28/08/2024 22:19

No advice but I find holiday with teens is hard work x

LadyKenya · 28/08/2024 22:18

As the pp has said, maybe his tolerance levels are not what they once were.