To think im not at fault here!!!!

Sorry to hear that @Ivenamechangedsomanytimes . If it was all you, there would be more you could do about it! What would your husband do if you sat down with him away from the house and at a time when you are not arguing and point out this pattern? I know I sometimes get into a groove where everything someone does annoys me, and it is way beyond reasonable. I know this about myself so I can catch it, but is it possible he does not know he keeps doing this? If so, pointing it out may help. People change over time, and what we have always done may not still work as well. But if he has changed to an extent where how you are is going to continue to attract criticism and annoyance, that is not a good sign.

I also don't think there's anything wrong or weird about talking to your husband about your day after getting home from work. Find it bizarre that people here don't do that?! It's absolutely normal to want to decompress and talk about your day with your partner.

Tbh your husband and kids sound pretty boring to me, there's nothing wrong with the way you are imo. It's natural to want your family to enjoy holidays, nothing wrong with asking them if they have! I'd be frustrated too if they didn't seem to show any interest in what you do when away, I'd think what's the point. I think you've worked to make them all happy for the whole of their lives and it makes me sad for you that they don't even seem to realise that, nevermind appreciate it. I'm sorry but I couldn't spend the rest of my life with someone as dull and negative as your husband. Seems like now the kids are almost grown up the reality is showing that you two are just not compatible. Start doing more for yourself and don't worry about them, let them entertain themselves.

So there are two possibilities here.

Firstly, what you find to be just your normal mithering is actually really over the top and you are not perceiving the impact on people around you, who are just burned out with it all. It may have got worse as you get older which is not uncommon. People often underestimate how their behaviour affects people around them - it can be exhausting.

Or

You husband is getting increasingly grumpy as he gets older, and is responding from this. He is being a jerk to you, and your children are reflecting his disrespect. You say he loves you, but it is hard to see where that is.

I think you sound great! But it sounds like you are a bit of a people pleaser maybe? Do you think when you are saying 'maybe we should have gone to x' it's a bit because you think other people are thinking that so you sort of say it to show that it's ok if they think your choice was rubbish?

You sound like a lovely person who is probably over compensating for a DH that is just not as into doing things as you are. I'm a bit like you, I love having a nice day but I also like chatting afterwards about how nice the day was and going back over it! I have friends that enjoy doing this too so I don't think you are strange.

I wonder if a bit of counselling is an option to get to the bottom of your people pleasing behaviour and help you decide the next steps in life. I'm not saying you should leave your DH but if there is the option for you to be with someone who also loves arranging things and keeping up fun traditions then maybe it's worth thinking about.

It sounds to me that you have reached a stage in your marriage where you want different things. That is the basis of the conflict. I don't think it's just driving you should contemplate alone. I remember being in my last marriage and feeling stifled. My husband was one of those who expects everyone else to be perfect when he was very far from it. So I did a brave thing... I wasn't that confident a driver but I waited until he had gone to work and packed the car, took my son and drove 200 miles to my dad's. I left a note asking him to move out. I had never driven that far before or on a motorway and I felt liberated. Since then I have had a long term relationship that didn't work out either, but I stayed in it longer than I should have because I was afraid of being on my own. When I finally ended it I decided to be on my own for a while (I had never single for more than a few months). That was sixteen years ago and I have never been so happy! I have driven everywhere, Cornwall, Scotland, London. I do have my youngest son with me because he's autistic but he doesn't talk much and I just look after him and remember not to talk too much around him! But it's glorious to have the TV to myself, have time for my hobbies and running a modest business. I don't know how a man would be able to fit into my life now and that's just the way I like it.

I feel sorry because you seem quite unhappy.
But there is nothing wrong with change, perhaps trying to drop a couple of habits if you’re aware that others find them annoying?

I think the thinking aloud and ‘second-guessing’ of things will probably be the most useful to drop. Try to commit to things and make the best of them. Who cares if something else might have been better, you can’t go back in time so you will never know!

I find the phrase: ‘There’s always a fly in the ointment’ quite useful. You can have a wonderful meal but the car park is terrible or a waiter is off-hand - oh look, there’s the ‘fly’, it doesn’t have to spoil the whole experience!

Not sure what else to add but perhaps let jokes and traditions evolve more naturally. Some will be dropped in time, others will become part of your family patchwork quilt.

Doesn't sound nice for you at all. I find I get less tolerant as I get older, and I was actually talking to my sister the other day that I notice more of our mum's annoying traits in me these days - so maybe we also get less tolerable 😂

Maybe it's just the case that you've become less compatible over time.

I think it sounds like you’re maybe just both getting on each others nerves, you’re becoming less tolerant of each other and picking faults etc, I do think as you get older you have less tolerance for things and certain behaviours that you’d previously have let go bother you more.

I also think your concerns about a life with DH post-kids is quite normal. My mum and dad always told us growing up that it’s so important to continue to find time and effort to focus on your marriage even when you have children because otherwise one day when your children don’t need you anymore you find yourself in a marriage with what feels like a stranger. Is it possible that maybe you could discuss these things with him? Good relationships take time, effort and genuine love/desire from both sides to make things work, as well as lots of communication. It’s a two way street.

Definitely not the person I'm talking about 😂💗

OP you sound very much like my mum! And pretty much the same thing happened in our house when mum hit the menopause at the same time we were all grumpy teens. I think it was when I was around 14, all of a sudden I just found my mum SO annoying, when I hadn’t before. I think with hindsight (I had no clue at the time) that the menopause also made her mirhering a lot worse. So it was the perfect storm!

if it’s any consolation, I outgrew the embarrassment etc by the time I was 21 - your kids will come out the other side eventually! My mum is also now much more chilled in her 60s and retired. Maybe just tone it down a bit with them in the meantime.

your husband is a bigger issue. He’s not a hormonal teen so why is he suddenly acting like one? He’s acting like he doesn’t like you anymore and that’s heartbreaking. He’s a dick if he has a problem and he’s not willing to work through it with you. What happened to working on issues in a marriage? Time to focus on what YOU want, not what he does!

I think we all irritate each other a bit on holiday, adults and teens, because we are not used to spending so much intense time together. I think when you accept that as 'normal' it becomes easier to deal with.

We are a competitive family and we have low level banter/heated debates during board games but I enjoy that and it would annoy me if someone suggested ending the game halfway through for that. Doesn't mean I'm right but I would be irritated, you're just different people and your DC have their own identities and that's OK.

My only advice is don't make everyone's happiness your responsibility. It's upto them to speak up and say if they aren't happy or want to do something. Equally don't force people to do things that aren't for them. I'm happy to go off on my own to see the sights, mooch around the shops and I find my teens are actually more amenable if they feel.they have choice. DP will sometimes go to.a sports bar on his own and again I'm.cool with it.

I think your mithering and voicing things out loud is a remnant of being the default parent and being the person in the house who has had to take everyone else's needs into consideration for a smooth functioning and happy household.

Your husband and children haven't appreciated this and now as they need this less and less find it tiresome.

You need to take a step back and put yourself first for once.

I find it bothersome that your husband seems to be so dismissive of your emotions, that is not a good sign and it's obvious he would not be concerned or upset if you suddenly went mute so long as you did your work for the house....
Is that the life you want? Is that what you want from a life partner?

Start doing things for you op, maybe go away for a weekend every now and then, think seriously about what things enrich your life and make steps to get what you need from life.

The more I read your replies, the more I think unmanaged anxiety is at the root of all the ‘mithering’. A need for constant reassurance about decisions; a need to download work anxieties; anxieties about driving; anxiety about whether your DC are having a good time. Anxious people are often routine driven too as it gives a sense of control, but can be too constraining for others.

I do think therapy is a good idea as a first step towards taking some responsibility for managing your anxious behaviour and learning some tools that help you enjoy life more and worry less, rather than expecting everyone else to accommodate it. Your teens have probably gained a more adult awareness and it’s grating on them in a way it wouldn’t have even registered when they were younger.

DH may be a fun sponge but ultimately we can only change our own behaviour.