To think im not at fault here!!!!

I think what people find tolerable in the beginning of a relationship can change as things progress and people get older.

I'm sure there are things about him that you liked a lot more at the beginning than you do now?

You say yourself you talk a lot - PP is just saying your responses here are no different!

Your responses are very rambly and repetitive - being honest, are you like that in real life too?

Not that bizarre when you’re an over talker for someone to point out even your typing is over typed.

You do come across as quite defensive but you could try some self reflection and ask yourself who you are doing all of this for, and why.

I don't think op is coming across as defensive at all considering some of the really critical posts on here! She's just trying to explain herself.

Honestly op I think it's more of a DH problem than a you problem. As the dc get older it can definitely highlight the differences in your marriage and your dh sounds pretty intolerant (but happy enough to have you organise everything when it suits though).

I agree taking some time to focus on yourself and doing things for you sounds like the way to go and maybe just doing less to try and make everyone else happy?

Every reply you make has double the amount of words necessary. Reading them is like constant chatter, kindly you would do my head in too

I agree. Your DH sounds a bit like mine and tbh I don’t ask him to do many things with me. I know he’d generally say yes and go along with it but if I’ve got a friend who would really enjoy something and would likely suggest doing it if I didn’t then I’d rather do it with them.

It took a bit of adjusting getting used to teenagers but I had three years between mine so when the first started the detachment stuff I still had a younger child and by the time it kicked in with the DC2, DC1 was comfortable enough in their own skin not be sneering at everything. It’s a funny time though because it feel like at some point in the not to distant future it’ll be just the two of us again but the mirror will show us to be 20 years older. I think it’s a good time to think some more about who I am and what I want out of my own life.

Oh and my DH has ADHD and couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery. He may jump from one subject to another but we wouldn't have had a holiday in 30 years if I had waited for him to organise it.

You don't need to wonder if you have a diagnosis or whether you have a problem. You are you and what you need is a family who will listen and compromise, but it works both ways.

You don't have to be everything, no one does.

Have you thought about what would happen if you didn't plan and arrange and no one else did? Would it be bad and who would it be bad for?

So if you wanted to watch TV and drink wine and they asked to play a game you can say no and they can play without you. If you don't arrange a little holiday and you stay at home they can entertain themselves.

You have done this for years, arranged, planned, kept the kids busy, more than others, you say. is this not exhausting? And if you visit the same beach every BH then it is a routine so why take offence? Have you asked what others want?

Often when the children are older we realise we have nothing in common with our OH anymore because, as you say, we haven't nurtured our relationship, but spent most of our energy on the DC's. How are you going to retire with a pipe and slippers man when you are an on the go person. When did you realise the difference between you both?

In the beginning he may have thought you were quirky and interesting and now he is less tolerant of those traits. You may have found him solid and reliable and now you may be less tolerant of those traits. Quirky becomes irritating and reliable becomes boring IYSWIM?

Whereas before you had a lot of energy to be all you wanted to be, maybe you feel more tired now and more resentful. Sniping in a relationship is not good and you will both pick up on it more quickly.

You do come across as quite defensive but you could try some self reflection and ask yourself who you are doing all of this for, and why.

@Ivenamechangedsomanytimes I honestly think you are less of the problem here than you initially set out. When you get a frosty reaction that can make you really unsure of yourself, especially if the situation has changed, it feels like the rug has been pulled. I think you have a couple of stroppy teenagers and a grumpy middle aged man judging you and you’re taking the responsibility for it. Let them get on with it and say no next time to the game.

I know I'm going to get slated for this but you remind me a bit of my DH, who has ADHD (and is autistic, but it's the ADHD bit that is ringing bells).
He voices all his thoughts too and can be very indecisive. He also makes up names, songs, rhymes about all sorts of things. Not in a performative or 'I'm mad, me' sort of way but that is just how his brain works, he has no control over it.
It can be exhausting but he now has pretty good insight into it and we can joke about it together and I can tell him to stop when it's too much. I also see how much stress it causes him at times.
Our kids are teens and sometimes find it annoying but just roll their eyes and he does his best to rein it in. It helps that he is actually very witty and funny also.
I am absolutely not diagnosing you with anything but I couldn't not post when I saw so many similarities.
There is no excuse for your husband showing contempt towards you, especially in front of your children.
An honest and respectful conversation is needed, I think.

I really dislike the ‘Your mum is mental’ comment. Is he trying to get the dc to take sides? I’d be pretty upset about that. You haven’t changed, yes, he’s becoming less tolerant.

I think having a stressful job can have a big impact in terms of just wanting to ease off and relinquish the burden outside of work. It sounds like you have to spend quite a lot of time being the “adult” when you are outside the home.

OP you sound like you have some wonderful qualities but you also dominate the conversation with a lot of internal monologue, anxious chatter and quite irritating habits.

Do you engage the kids in substantive conversation, modelling intelligent discussion about world events for instance, news or opinion, or is all this stuff about family ritual, counting down to Christmas and very inner concerns both a conversational fire blanket for everyone else and a comfort blanket for you?

I feel like your husband has a big part to play in not developing too, if he's going around burping and farting in front of you and not allowing you any opportunity to air your work concerns.

However, is all your conversation very 'me' centred or is any of it actually interesting to an outsider and a developing teenager?

Do you listen or mostly talk? Honestly?

Could you offer the children wise advice or just comforting rituals?

Maybe you need to update your role both personally and in the family. Seems like youre recognising you are not quite keeping up with changes but are trying to address this by mithering and criticising rather than adapting your communication style.

I think DH has work to do too as I say. Maybe a set amount of time to listen about each others work? But that's only really viable if you're not rattling on about any and everything the rest of the time.

I recognise my parents in you. What other interests and outlets do you have?

My mother has never grown up and now can't understand why she isn't very involved in our lives. She just blethers nonsense for hours and it's so draining when facing adult issues.

I think you are judging yourself far too harshly OP. Are you sure your DH wasn’t always like this but when the DCs were younger and fun you could bat it away but now they are judgemental teenagers its coming in from all sides and you feel like the odd one out? If you feel judged all the time then you’re going to be more aware of it and more nervous in turn.

There are some things I discuss with DH as he’s can be black and white about things and that can be useful. With other things it isn’t and I know I won’t find his suggestions helpful as I don’t think he’ll quite “get” what my issue is. Usually I have friends who have a better idea of what I am
on about so I just speak to them instead.

It feels like your sense of self is quite tied up in how your family see you and I think it would be positive for you if you could work on separating that.