To think im not at fault here!!!!

Well just take care of yourself, and do what's right for YOU!

Fair enough OP, only you really know what the situation is, other people may comment based on what you've told us, but unless we live with you, and see what really goes on, we're not really in a position to judge.

That really doesn't sound healthy to me OP. The fact that you are actually taking medication to stop you being yourself, and having to reign yourself in, rather than react to the way he treats you, leads me to think that he's actually rather controlling. We have emotions, and the right to say what we think, and if it leads to frequent arguments, then that tells us that we're not with the right people. In your shoes, while you're away after your operation, I'd be giving serious thought as to whether you really want to continue living like this, or whether it's time to face up to the fact that you're no longer compatible. Just because we fall in love with someone and have children with them, doesn't mean that the person we fell in love with won't change once they've got you, (for want of a better expression), caught in their net, lots of men DO change, and not for the better, is this what has happened in your relationship?

I hope your operation goes well, but do take that recuperation time alone, as an opportunity to reassess your life, and decide if this is REALLY what you want OP.

Maybe lighten up a bit, I am a minority parent, husband and two boys, when they turned teenagers they became 'cheeky' towards me too. It's banter, when we all get together now, my children are in their 30's now, it's like a comedy show. Just go with it, I find it hilarious and turn it back on them.

I think potentially four things - or a combination of - might be happening.

1 as you say, you’re perimenopausal. You may not feel that it’s having much of an effect but it probably is. Maybe a bit more self awareness in terms of are you constantly complaining, ‘calling people out’ for the smallest things, taking offence at everything and genuinely being overly sensitive?

2 how you describe yourself does sound exhausting. Especially if it’s constant. It’s also probably been exacerbated by point 1. Chill out a bit. I assume you’re in your 40s and he’s probably just… tired of it.

3 is it possible you’ve got ADHD? You sound bit like my partner and I have to keep reminding him to rein it in a bit, especially the hyperactivity bit which for him also manifests as singing, dancing around, generally being just a bit much. Time and place.

4 is it possible your husband is struggling mentally? If he is your antics will be even harder for him to deal with

Being of a similar age and having vivid memories of my own mother going through the menopause I completely understand how it feels. But I’m a firm believer that while I expect people around me to be aware that I’m going through a change I cannot control and didn’t ask for, a certain (large) amount of accountability and responsibility lies on my shoulders to be self aware and ensure I’m protecting my relationships, not letting the hormones get the better of me.

My DH does what you do and I find it incredibly hurtful. He didn’t realise how much it hurt me as I used to brush it off but this year I organised everything (his family member died and he was grieving) and these comments were constant. I refused to let him get away with it but he wasn’t self-aware enough to realise it was his fault and we’d have awful rows. It got to the stage dsd refused to be around him and DS began to call him a bully and ‘defend’ me that he realised he had to change.

So if I were you I’d apologise to your DH and find a way to change these hurtful comments.

@Ivenamechangedsomanytimes at the end of the day it doesn't matter if you are irritating. EVERYONE IS IRRITATING TO SOMEONE!

You say your sister and friends are similar to you, start to put your energy into arranging fun things with them. It should be more fun because you will have other people matching your enthusiasm.

One of your DC is more like you, plan meals out for the two of you. Meals with just my oldest are such a treat, we both love food and can chat about whatever interests us. Enjoy the connection that you can have with your teens rather than looking at the ways you used to be connected when they were younger.

Personally, I wouldn't give too much though to DH. Sounds like if you need him you will be able to find him in front of the TV.

You do sound highly strung - you rant about work, you are worried about kids getting older and what lies ahead, you perhaps deal with it by talking a lot and expecting everyone to listen, singing etc. I live with someone like you and it does get exhausting when someone is constantly vocalising every thought, it can make other people feel like they are just a pair of ears. It may have an anxious edge to it as well that is hard to be around and makes people tense. Like you're trying to be light hearted but it's coming off as not quite genuine because actually you're nervous, worried etc.

I would find a therapist to go over this with. You're probably going to get further with them than a husband or teens. And start to find yourself again, yes things are changing but that doesn't mean the future is sad, it means you need to start a new chapter for yourself rather than clinging to the past or hoping things won't change, because they will.

Once you deal with your underlying feelings that are making you possibly a bit intense to be around your kids and DH will probably settle down.

OP. Enough. Stop with the self character assassination. None of us is perfect. We all have irritating habits. I’m sure your husband and children have many of their own. You are giving too much weight to your minor irritants. Yes, I guess you could stop repeating yourself a bit. But it really is not that big a deal.

Your teenagers could be more polite and appreciative. Being a teen has never been an excuse for rudeness in our home. Your husband has become intolerant. You have always responsible for all the joy and fun in the family. Deep down they all know that even though it looks like they resent you.

It is up to them, especially your husband to change as well and respect you. Please stop analysing yourself and putting yourself down in these post. None of what you do are major sins at all. If you don’t assert yourself a bit and respect yourself, they won’t either.

Do you have ADHD? I do and one of my (many) symptoms is verbal diarrhoea! I’m very highly strung, do everything at 1,000,000 miles an hour and do 1000 things at once and I think my family also find it exhausting. Also, the symptoms are heightened and exacerbated during menopause. It’s just a thought, it may be nothing to do with this. I think you just need to be a little bit mindful about the other members of your family as also your husband may be becoming a little less tolerant with age just as we all do, it’s normal. As for your children, they will come back around. Just give them a little more rope and they will be far more receptive. Difficult as I know this is I think it will benefit you all in the long run. I wish you all the best.

Im wondering if this is as much of a ‘him’ problem as a ‘you’ problem? You seem to have internalised that there is something wrong with the way you are and yeah maybe there is stuff you could work on. But you are still the you he fell in love with and if it’s just your personality maybe you don’t need to change and he’s just become a grumpy git. I wonder what others would say about you if you asked them honestly how they find you? Other family? Friends? Work colleagues?
Dont worry too much about about the teens. It’s normal for them to find their parents cringey, to want them to be less and find everything they do boring or too embarassing for words

I totally get you,and for all the people critiquing wait till your peri,menopause it sends you bat shit crazy. I used to love driving, now worry about it and that definitely a hormone thing,.
I was exactly like you,but menopause kicked my arse,now have cfs and fibromyalgia, probably because it was me holding it all together like you. Perhaps hubby needs some testosterone too. What your experiencing though is totally normal,teens,moods everyone is changing,it will sort its self out,your right to defend yourself as you've given the best part of yourself up to everyone else ,including husband,and yet you are the positive happy one. I wish I had a friend like you, you sound brilliant and under appreciated.
I would suggest giving him Davina menopause book,but it sounds like he needs it himself. I've been married 30 years,menopause,all boys and still at home,and yes I've wanted to run away as I feel like I've got 3 husbands now,so a girlfriend as barmy me as me would be a godsend.

Honestly, if my partner went on about regretting not going to pub x instead of pub I would get irritated. If this was a recurring theme I would not want to go out for a meal with them anymore as they’d be taking all the joy out of the evening for me.
Maybe that makes me an arse, but as I grow older I find I have no patience for complainers (and before you say you’re not a complainer, a tendency to go in that you’d rather have gone to pub x IS complaining in my book). I don’t want to do stuff with someone if I know they’re going to be moaning about it the next day. Especially if that person is my partner.

Coming home and ranting about work is something I also don’t like. I get it if it’s a one off thing (as in once a year/ every couple of years) but it really is NOT nice when your partner has a tendency to spend the first x time after coming home to rant about work. My husband used to do this and it drove me up the wall! I told him I didn’t want to hear about x person anymore and he needed to either do something about the situation or let it go.

I’m sure you’re a really lovely person and you sound like you want everyone to have a great time.but maybe just have a think about the message you’re putting across when you say you’d rather have gone to pub x, or the negative energy when you’re ranting. Those things are tiring for others when it’s regular.

Is that passive aggressive? Or an indication of someone who is feeling very low and who is feeling confused about what she should do/how to manage a situation?

The menopause is a difficult time for everyone. I was fine until GP said stop hrt and for 18 months I was crazy did terrible things and it was hell. Went back on it and still taking it . Get whatever help suits you and works Be kind to yourself hypnosis good You Tube great and free have a pamper and excercise can help. It is not your fault and is at last recognised as a debilitating problem and not just woman’s problems.

Menopause and teens are not a good mix! Not that this is what's to blame here!

I was a massive over thinker/worrier. I was with someone who was happy for me to do all the organising but didn't show any approval/gratitude so I second guessed my decisions, maybe also hoping for some acknowledgement or a "that was nice" or for him to take the lead now and again. It never came and I always felt like I'd not made the right decision.
I understood that going over my choices must have been frustrating but so was feeling underappreciated and being criticized for double checking bookings etc. I made a conscious decision to be more positive, worry less, told myself that worrying will not change the outcome. It's hard at first but becomes a habit and I felt much better in myself for it. I figured that if no one else wanted to plan things, beyond mentioning my initial plan as to not be controlling and to give people a chance to disapprove or suggest something else, then it had to be like it or lump it. I stopped over worrying and my now ex just found other things to pick at me for! Literally anything. I left him a year ago and haven't looked back.

OP I think your issue is that you need to be needed and that, conversely, is making you needy. Neediness is not an attractive trait. But you do a job where you give a lot of yourself to other people’s needs, you sound like an amazing mother to young children but your teens perhaps feel a little smothered. Your husband has always been a boring bloke but in the past he appreciated you now he doesn’t. (Your DSIS saying “what did you expect”). It sounds like it’s your husband who needs the antidepressants.
I agree you need to put your needs first. Do the stuff you love and want to do. If family don’t want to do it with you go with friends or relatives and leave the family to their own devices.
You will be much happier when you stop people pleasing and please yourself. When you are happier you will relax. When you are relaxed you will be a joy to be with.
Dont curb your personality. You are enough as you are. But if you concentrate on making yourself happy. (I mean really work on it) everything else will fall into place and you will be able to evaluate you marriage clearly and decide what you want.
Don’t worry too much about the kids. You are their mum. They adore you and always will even if they don’t show it. You’ve invested heavily in their childhoods and happiness and they will realise this in time. Give them a bit of space while you rediscover yourself and this next stage in life. Before you know it there will be grandchildren to help out with and little people who will laugh at your ditties and rhymes.
You say you are dreading it but embrace it. This is time for you. Use it to expend some of that amazing energy you have on getting fit, taking up a new hobby, or learning a new skill or subject. Whatever you want to do. Don’t be afraid to do it alone.
if you are organising something ask family once if they want to come. If they are unresponsive, just do it without them. Don’t worry about being selfish, you are not a selfish person.
My in-laws were a bit like you. My FIL was shy and quiet. My MIL was full of joie de vivre and an extrovert. He lived vicariously through her. She went out and lived her life and came back and told him all about it. Difference was he adored her. They were v happily married for 55 years.
You’ve got this OP. Don’t let this period of change or your DH dim your sparkle ✨

Op I want to give u a hug!
I think u have thrown yourself into bringing up the kids and work etc and now they need u less it’s more obvious your dh is a wet drip! Happy to go along being boring as long as nobody rocks the boat. I don’t think he is what u need right now? It sounds like u need someone with a bit more pizazz? Someone that gets excited and wants to explore? Wants to talk about the experience?
u do sound like u have anxiety and some low confidence and that is exasperated by him picking on u at the moment/menopause?

Time to find yourself, work on your confidence and work out who u want to be? Then see if your dh actually fits in?
please don’t alter who u are for him!!
good luck!

This is the same for me. I had to start speaking up and calling him out on things I now find unacceptable.
Maybe this is true for OP'S DH.
The constant mithering - do uou repeat yourself a lot? It can be very wearing for the listener to have to keep reacting to the same thing.
I've had to say to my DP - yes, you have just told me. Or 'what are you going to do?' when there's an issue he keeps ranting about.
The constant noise is exhausting.

Just be yourself. Maybe go for counseling if it might be helpful. Perhaps let your children choose your next holiday. How is your husband's health? Has he had a general health check recently Just a thought. Good luck. You're a good person.