Checking in on 23 year old

My eldest DS is 30 and I still feel uneasy if he goes out in the nearest big city mainly because of stabbings but he was also spiked recently.
He messages when he's home or at a destination
I also have all 3 on find my friends as they do me
I am disabled and live alone which is mainly why we have find my friends
Personally I think it's " Mothers instinct" even when they're grown adults

I check on mine. He might be an adult but he still does stupid shit and gets into scrapes.
I check on the 27 year old too - he lives alone and if he didn't come home one night, no one would know if I didn't check.

I don't care if people think I'm weird - they're my kids and I'm gonna check on them.

This. What if the answer is "No"?

I have a 23 year old and a 25 year old, both are DDs. We have a "ladies of the family" WhatsApp group where we simply post today's Wordle, Connections and Strands results. I know they are ok, they know I'm still alive. If they want to share more, they can, but this is very low key and works for us.

That absolutely does convey the anxiety, though.

When I was in my 20s, I would have found it really annoying and infantilising if I was getting messages from my mother nagging me about whether I was coming home soon, when I was a grown woman trying to enjoy a night out.

OP, I'm sure you would hate it if anyone "checked in" on you. So please don't do it to your son, who is also an adult. All you will achieve will be to completely alienate him from you.
And in the unlikely event of anything bad happening, you'd find out soon enough.

I think it’s normal to worry about your adult kids (assuming that he lives with you) but I don’t think it’s normal/reasonable to keep checking up on him to find out where he is. He’s an adult and he shouldn’t have to be telling his mum where he is and what he’s doing.

Interesting that people are telling you it’s fine, because if someone posted “AIBU to be a bit annoyed that my boyfriend’s mum keeps checking up on him whenever we go out? He says it’s normal but I find it really annoying that he has to keep texting his mum to let her know what’s happening every time we go out. He’s 23” then I guarantee you most people would say “Get rid of him, he’s obviously still clinging to mummy’s apron strings and his mum sounds like a nightmare MIL”.

I haven't admit you do this as much as it comes across I would end up blocking you, there is caring and there is over the top smothering

Yes, OP, when they were still living at home and travelling late at night on public transport etc. Tried not to convey the anxiety, just sent messages like Will you be home soon?

I think at 23 you should trust he's ok if you haven't heard otherwise. I was married and living 200 miles from my mum at 24 (I'm only 39 now).

However if my DS is still living with us at 23 I'll probably want to know if he's out with a key so I can lock the doors, that kind of thing.

Thank the lord its not just me.
DS is 19 and home form Uni for the Sumner.
Last week he went to the local sports club after a game, which closes at 12am, I went to bed at 11pm, all fine, but I woke up at 4am and saw he wasn't home. I was honestly wondering what time I could start calling round the hospitals.
He turned up at 5am.
Turns out he came home around 11.30 to get changed then was going clubbing in town with some mates.
I think its all the news of random stabbings etc that makes you ultra nervous, my ds is sensible but I still worry what if

Back in the day, before mobile phones, I used to tell my Mum appropriately what time I'd be home and if I was going to be later, ring home from a call box! Otherwise my parents were none the wiser, where I was etc. I think back then parents has no choice to let us get on with it. Now with social media and mobile phones, it's much easier to keep in contact, and parents expect it more from their children. The fact your son replies, even if he is eye rolling you at the time, and let's you know he's OK is good!!! It shows, he's not too bothered. Once he moves out if home, you will have no idea on his plans, so naturally you will step back. I think, no matter how old our children are, we will always worry, even when they're married with kids of their own!!!!

I think I worry more about my children now (all adults) than I did when they were toddlers!
The worries and risks seem so much bigger now.
We've had that awful knock on the door from the police to say they'd been in a car accident and I don't think I'll ever sleep properly again
I try not to let my children know how much I worry about them though as I want them to enjoy life and experience it fully. I feel my anxiety is my problem not theirs to deal with.

No.

I don't do it with my kids and my mother didn't do it with me.

I do have stuff I get anxious about but this isn't one of them

Now my cats have GPS trackers as I really do worry about them and once one went missing for a few hours...

How often are you checking? I'm laid back and just ask for a msg to say when they'll be in; if they're coming in, other than that off they go.

It isn’t something I’d have accepted at that age. If your son is fine with it then it’s ok I suppose but I would’ve felt smothered.

I have a 21 year old and since he moved out at 18 we've gotten in to the habit of a 'good morning' and 'good night' text. Occasionally he doesn't but that might be because he went to bed early thinking he'd be up again or phone ran out of juice or whatever, but 9/10 times he checks in. He usually texts in the middle of the day too - just a quick one.

He was in a bad motorcycle accident a couple years ago and he was able to call but I live 70 miles and a ferry away so it was hard, since then I feel better knowing he's home safe in the evenings. He lives alone.
I don't think there's anything wrong with this - he likes touching base too. But I'm not in a constant state of anxiety about him. The only time I get a little anxious is if I haven't heard from him in 24 hours.

I’m in my 50s. My parents, who are in their very late 80s, like to know I got home safe after a long drive or a night out, made it to hotel abroad etc. I think it’s lovely and certainly don’t mind sending the messages!

This would have driven me mad at that age. Even if mobile phones had been invented then, I doubt if my parents would have "checked in", although I daresay they'd have been worried if I wasn't home roughly when I said I'd be.

My mum took the view that if there'd been an accident or anything dreadful had befallen me, the police would have come and let her know.

I think parents had to be more relaxed about stuff back then: no internet, no mobile phones, if you were out, you were uncontactable unless they knew exactly where you were and had the landline number.

My kids are 30 and 27.
If they are out, they do message me to say they are home safely.

But, my 30 year olds best friend died 10 years ago on a night out so I'm probably over protective because of that.

I do it with mine too, 23 too, and he was attacked, thankfully he was ok but it was pretty horrible. We also had an incident where he tried to harm himself so he keeps his location on, he has good friends too but I worry greatly he’s the eldest of my 4 boys surprised I’m not pure grey by now tbh

I thought this was normal !! My eldest are 21 and almost 20 . I would always know when they would be coming home .
Saying that the 21 year old did not get in from work until 5.30am this morning ( vet hospital ) so I am pretty tired today .....

Both my single ‘kids’ (1m, 1f) are in their 40’s. I always expect a message that they have arrived home safely after visiting us. Both are long motorway drives away though.