Overwhelmed with never ending list

I totally hear you OP. I often feel the same.

Can you afford a cleaner? Having one twice a month makes a massive difference for me, knowing the house will be clean and tidy just twice a month takes the pressure off.

I found decluttering was also helpful. 1 cupboard or shelf a week makes a difference.

Painting? If you can, throw money at the problem. Don't feel guilty.

Second the organised mum method.

I find I become overwhelmed unless I have a rigid list of what I need to do when. The method allocates time per day for basic jobs (quick bathroom wipe over, washing up, one load of washing every day for 15 minutes). Then a room allocated on each day so today is Thursday so that is kitchen but you only set timer for 30 minutes and then each Friday per week you deep clean and allocated room that changes per week again only 30 minutes. So in theory you spend a max 45 minutes a day but everywhere gets a deep clean every 8 weeks.

For me it keeps it all much more manageable

Why are you so convinced that you can't insist your partner starts pulling his weight?

"He's messy" isn't some sort of innate genetic characteristic, like "he has brown eyes". It's a behaviour, and a selfish one. God, I'd be messy if I lived with some clearing-up fairies, free of charge.

The resentment will grow when there's a child. A lot.

It’s very necessary! The OP is struggling to manage a home she shares with a DP and he does nothing to help. Things can only get worse when you put a baby into the mix.

Then you'll have two people to tidy up after.
I'm naturally quite messy but I make an effort with my partner because it's disrespectful as an adult to let someone else tidy up after you.

OP, you should probably think twice about taking time out of your day (or a whole day of your time) and missing time with your friends to get on top of house stuff when your partner is really contributing to the mess. Is he taking the same time to do as much cleaning as you (not just mess about directing you/pointing stuff out)? Please don’t set yourself up as the cleaner/maid/life admin person.

gently, I would suggest you need to tackle that with him as you will come to see it is disrespectful to you and your time as you are together for longer and add in the huge responsibilities of a baby. You aren’t his mum or maid and you shouldn’t need to be for him to love you.

has taken me a long time to work on this with my husband. He is much better but I still leave his stuff if he doesn’t clear it up. It’s disrespectful to my time and effort.

wise words from giggly too.

I often feel overwhelmed by housework and paralysed because of how much I want to get done.

Do you think if you bundled up your sheets and towels the mister could manage to get them to a nearby laundrette for a service wash? My local used to fold everything and it was such a treat to get it home bone dry and ready to put away instead of it hanging around for days

So true.

Life is too short to martyr yourself to a lazy slob IMO.

My partner might as well be a teenager (please no comments about leaving him) because I have to pick up after him.

Pfft. You might not feel overwhelmed if you had an actual partner who shared the load.

Thirding this.

I want to have a baby because I love him. He's kind and caring and makes me laugh. He loves me.

This ^^ is absolutely not the right reason to have a baby @Stickytoffeepudding6. If you are drowning under normal day to day tasks now it will be ten times harder with a baby, a lazy partner and minimal sleep. You need to stop looking at the idea of having a baby through rose tinted spectacles.

If your partner is too lazy to pick up after himself you will have two "children" to care for.

In the meantime I would get some bin liners and pick up his stuff and put it in them. when he asks where his clean washing is just show him the bin liners with the dirty clothes in. You need to stop enabling him to behave like a slob.

Dear God, listen to yourself woman. Settling for a man who fails to acknowledge or notice the stress you’re experiencing and you think you can fix this mess by him going away for a few days so YOU can get on top of it.
You may want to look at the definition of a partnership!
To consider starting a family with this man while he neglects your stress/worries is just madness.

No doubt we will see you back here in a year or two complaining about the same stuff but with the added moans of he doesn’t help with the bay blah bla.

Read the book ‘How to Keep House While Drowning’ for some helpful perspective.
Also, for when you have time to tackle something, look up ‘Goblin Tools’ to help you organise tasks.

Seconding this

Do NOT have a baby! The overwhelm and length of the list will just increase 100x

I'm going to pass on the words of my therapist, as best as I can, because I was in your position a while back.

It is normal to feel overwhelmed into not doing a damned thing when there is an overwhelming amount of things to do. NORMAL.

You end up feeling all these negative emotions and self blame. You can't get in front and it just drags you down every time you think of that bastard list. You need to first have some self compassion. Things piled up and became unmanageable. It's not your fault. It happens. You cannot tackle it all at once. You're not superwoman nor the Flash. Throw that list away, it's unrealistic and adds too much pressure. Calm your mind. Start with just one drawer, one cupboard, anything, but only one thing. Clean it, tidy it, perfectly as you are able. Then stop. Concentrate on that one thing and don't get carried away by dragging other tasks into it. Don't plan it too much or it will just start the list off again.

The pick one thing and do it was my "homework" and it really helped to just focus on one thing at a time. It all gets done still. It takes longer but it is less stressful. You have to ask yourself who told you to rush. You can take as long as you need.

Of course, you may have to threaten to tie your partner up in the corner so he doesn't mess your work up but I don't think my therapist would claim that one as hers.

(If anyone wishes to take issue with the word "normal", it's my NHS therapists choice of words. I'm merely passing them on).

This 100% totally agree, I do this and it's nice to see ticks and makes me feel I'm accomplished something in the day.

It takes a lot more than love for a relationship to work, and when a baby enters the picture, everything changes, and most importantly, you will change radically. The list of things you will be able to dismiss, gloss over and ignore will shrink at lightening speed.

My partner might as well be a teenager (please no comments about leaving him) because I have to pick up after him.

You don't have to do anything of the sort, first of all. Secondly, this is about the lack of respect he clearly has for you. He's just fine with you being his mummy/skivvy and cleaning up after him? He sees nothing wrong with this? He doesn't have respect or consideration for you, and that bodes very, very poorly.

Good luck, because you're really going to need it.

I know you’re pre-empting comments about your partner, and I wouldn’t suggest you leave him. However, you’re really not going to want to feel like you have a teenager to pick up after when you have a baby. It could seriously damage your relationship and your sanity.

Could you sit down together and try and come up with a workable plan going forward? This isn’t just on you!

When I feel overwhelmed with everything I write a list of everything that needs done and start doing the easiest jobs first. I tick them off as I go, I find being able to see the list getting smaller makes me feel less anxious and like I’m actually getting somewhere.

Tear up the list💐