Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Can't be bothered to cook for son

515 replies

palmtreesands · 28/08/2024 14:57

We only have limited fridge and freezer space so him buying his own shopping is not an option.
Dh eats at work and I like to take a massive salad to work among other things and pick so don't eat again in the evening.
Ds comes home from work expecting a home cooked dinner and I find it such a headache, if I haven't cooked or we've eaten I out as we sometimes do he expects their to be ingredients to make himself something to eat.... their often isn't and I am racing up the shop to buy him something to make but as I said food has to be included in his monthly contribution otherwise he'll come back with shopping that we don't have room for.
Aibu to let this stress me out so much, I'm hot and bothered and don't want the headache of feeding him but he pays £400 a month to live here so expects there to be food to eat and I can't be bothered with the hassle of always making sure there's something in when we don't have family meals.

OP posts:
kkloo · 28/08/2024 17:47

PrettyPinkShoes · 28/08/2024 17:43

Young people living at home rarely pay the going rate for rent and food.

Most parents take a token amount because their son or daughter is usually saving for a deposit for a house or a rental.

If he was paying the going rate he may as well leave home and go into a house-share.

You're being a bit unreasonable.
Did you read the thread?

He's banned from having food in the fridge.
There is no room for any food.
The OP doesn't seem to expect him to want to cook for himself.

Not sure what his dad does. Drink beer and eat snacks every night maybe.

I don't think he's 'banned' from putting food in the fridge. There's no room in the fridge because him and the dad keep filling it with beer.

Bellaboo01 · 28/08/2024 17:46

palmtreesands · 28/08/2024 14:57

We only have limited fridge and freezer space so him buying his own shopping is not an option.
Dh eats at work and I like to take a massive salad to work among other things and pick so don't eat again in the evening.
Ds comes home from work expecting a home cooked dinner and I find it such a headache, if I haven't cooked or we've eaten I out as we sometimes do he expects their to be ingredients to make himself something to eat.... their often isn't and I am racing up the shop to buy him something to make but as I said food has to be included in his monthly contribution otherwise he'll come back with shopping that we don't have room for.
Aibu to let this stress me out so much, I'm hot and bothered and don't want the headache of feeding him but he pays £400 a month to live here so expects there to be food to eat and I can't be bothered with the hassle of always making sure there's something in when we don't have family meals.

How old is he?

  • As he is paying £400, can he just give you a list each week whilst you are doing your shopping so he has the ingredients he needs?
  • Why isn't there any room for him to buy and store his own food as he is paying rent? This should be available for him.
  • If you arent having family meals etc - why is your cupboards /fridge/freezer so full that he isnt able to store his food for his dinner?
I feel a bit sorry for him tbh. Give him a shelf in the fridge, freezer and in a cupboard and it sounds as though that will solve all the problems.
TheShellBeach · 28/08/2024 17:46

Not this again. I've seen this thread before, even down to the pregnancy.

BunnyLake · 28/08/2024 17:46

What do you do with the meat in the freezer if no one cooks? Are you or your dh going to cook when your baby/child needs food (all the way up to young adulthood).

All sounds rather chaotic and unusual. I understand he’s not your son so there seems to be a lack of emotional investment/nurturing on your part.

It’s quite unusual to never have a cooked meal in the house.

MotherofGorgons · 28/08/2024 17:46

The OP is very cagey. I am fascinated by the fridge set up. And the never doing a shop.

Moier · 28/08/2024 17:45

It's his house too..
Gosh how mean are you .
Growing teens / young adult men need feeding .

LBFseBrom · 28/08/2024 17:45

Iceache · 28/08/2024 17:17

This thread is a ride.

I don’t have an adult DS but I do have a DS and I can’t imagine knowing he wasn’t eating properly under my roof being okay with it. There are so many solutions here that don’t involve you cooking for everyone every night!

I cannot fathom your day’s menu: yoghurt, fruit, some sandwiches & salad and then… tumbleweeds??? I mean if nothing else, the afternoon into evening is so long and boring if food is removed; can we unpick this a bit? What do you do with your time?

I agree and the op still hasn't said how old the son is. He could still be a teenager for all we know, or 20. Probably not earning much. £400 is a reasonable sum to pay for your 'keep' whilst living with parents, especially for a young person, male or female. He has the right to expect something in return for that. I doubt he could afford to move out right now, young people are staying with their parents for longer these days because it is so expensive to leave home, unless they are prepared to rent a bedsitter and share all facilities. However he doesn't get much for his money.t

The op is feeling the effects of the hot weather, I understand that, but I bet this problem did not start when the temperature rose,, and it will still exist when it becomes colder.

I can't imagine not having a family meal, it doesn't have to be anything elaborate but most people manage something and the preparation can be shared, some of it done in advance. I wonder what happens at weekends.

PrettyPinkShoes · 28/08/2024 17:43

1apenny2apenny · 28/08/2024 17:07

Bloody hell I hope my DD doesn't meet any of the male offspring of some people on this thread!

A young man coming home and expecting a hot dinner - what year are we in 1950!

He's getting a bargain at £400 a month, if he doesn't think so perhaps he should look around for his own place. You need to reset here - give him a shelf, tell him to buy his own food, don't cook any more of his meals and please if you are doing his laundry and all the housework stop this too.

These young men are so entitled, I just can't believe it in 2024!

Young people living at home rarely pay the going rate for rent and food.

Most parents take a token amount because their son or daughter is usually saving for a deposit for a house or a rental.

If he was paying the going rate he may as well leave home and go into a house-share.

You're being a bit unreasonable.
Did you read the thread?

He's banned from having food in the fridge.
There is no room for any food.
The OP doesn't seem to expect him to want to cook for himself.

Not sure what his dad does. Drink beer and eat snacks every night maybe.

kkloo · 28/08/2024 17:42

Mumofnarnia · 28/08/2024 17:06

Can’t believe what I’m reading. He pays you £400 per month. You have a small fridge/ freezer space. You won’t allow DS to go out and buy his own food due to the lack of space but you won’t buy him any either or leave him any ingredients to cook with from the money he gives you. You begrudge him needing ingredients to make food and you go to eat out with your DH but don’t offer to take your DS with you or leave him anything to make for himself! Then when you come home you can’t be arsed to make him anything either.
Your DS likes to have a drink but so does your DH but you are able to provide food for your DH but not your DS! You sound absolutely selfish, nasty, emotionally abusive and as if you just don’t want him around. Poor lad!

Edited

I can't believe how you're reading it tbh!!

Sounds like if the DH and the son stopped getting so much beer then the problem would be solved.

If my son started filling the fridge with beer I certainly wouldn't be going out every single day to buy ingredients for food.

Why on earth didn't the dad or son buy a beer fridge? Instead they just took it over.

DuesToTheDirt · 28/08/2024 17:40

How much beer do they really need to keep in the fridge? Can't they keep most of it elsewhere and just put a couple of bottles in ready for drinking?

But as others have said, charge him less and let him sort his own food.

Jumpingthruhoops · 28/08/2024 17:40

OP, is this your not-so-subtle way of telling him to move out!?

Because, if it isn't, you sure know how to make a person feel unwelcome.

CaptainMyCaptain · 28/08/2024 17:38

femfemlicious · 28/08/2024 17:23

I was wondering tooo🤣. If you don't cool what is the fridge full of?@palmtreesands

Apparently there's a fridge in the conservatory full of meat ... that nobody cooks.

Ponderingwindow · 28/08/2024 17:37

This is very simple.

arrange a family meeting.

make it clear that you are not in charge of evening meal planning or prep. The other adults can take care of the shopping. If there is not enough room in the fridge because of beer, they can store some of it at room temp or buy less at a time. Then let the other adults figure it out.

you can’t however block a member of the household from buying groceries or using the kitchen if you do not want to be in charge of meals. You can only do that if there are scheduling issues and you need to reserve kitchen time.

Sunnyside4 · 28/08/2024 17:37

He needs to eat, and something half way decent. If he's paying towards bills and food, then the majority of his food should be available in the home. Maybe when any of you cooks, keep leftovers for the next day for him to reheat. If not a selection of easy foods for him to prepare when he arrives home, if only jacket potatoes, topping(s) and salad one day, homemade pasta sauce which can be frozen to which he can add a protein/other veg, stir fry veg to add chicken or salmon to. Maybe one day a ready meal, but have veggies, salad to add to. Something like a crustless quiche he could have hot with something, cold another day and you could even have with your salad.

WhySoManySocks · 28/08/2024 17:37

He lives there, he should be able to eat at home. You say you won’t make him dinner and won’t allow him to cook. He must feel so unwelcome.

aramox1 · 28/08/2024 17:35

How can you not have enough fridge space for three people? Let him cook his own stuff and cut down his rent. You wouldn't treat a lodger like that!

Fiddlemetimbers · 28/08/2024 17:35

I have rarely heard such a mishmash of misogynistic bullshit on here as the answers OP has received.

Oh, why, doesn't she cook this, order that, batch cook the other, force them to take THEIR beer and goodies out of the fridge. She, she, she. Her, her, her. Evil nasty ***. She should be a good little housemaid woman and STFU.

Sexist crap.

There is a woman here ( by all accounts a 34 week pregnant one, who is still working and exhausted).

She has come into a father and son only household where the two men have only ever lived on takeaways. Presumably because dad is a lazy bugger.

Now, most likely because she has a vagina, she is expected to feed this adult son a piping hot, individually prepared, meal that he fancies that night. Man work, grunt, woman shop, grunt, woman feed. What bloody year is this. I would like to think we do know it seeing as batch cooking, freezing and online shopping have been mentioned enough. Are these two men's arms broken or are they dead in the head. Poor men.

On top of that, she is limited in what she can store because the two men are used to being a unit and won't take their fucking booze out of the fridge.

A lot of you see a hard faced controlling meanie who is in charge of the house but who won't cook for a poor starving little boy while stealing all his hard earned wages and spending it on salad for herself.

She is the incomer, the third wheel, the interloper, lowest in the pecking order. If you can't see that, I can't make you. Her fingerprints are not all over that young man's upbringing. His father's are.

Another thing, £400 a month for a man who wants meat and veggies in a hot meal, every night, is not enough money. What about electric, gas, water, internet access, tv, booze, snacks, bog roll, washing powder, shower gel, toothpaste. What supermarket and utility company are you all using because I want some of that low cost living.

NewFriendlyLadybird · 28/08/2024 17:34

This is a weird thread. Why is the fridge always full of beer? How much of it gets drunk? And what snacks are in there? When do they get eaten? Why doesn’t the OP take some of the beer out of the fridge? And who uses the food that’s in the freezer?

FWIW I have an adult son living at home. There are four of us altogether. I cook an evening meal every night. Anyone who’s in and likes the meal will eat it. If someone’s not in and I know they like it I will leave a portion for them to heat up. Anyone who doesn’t like the meal I cook makes their own, including clearing up after themselves.

I don’t think we’ve ever had more than four cans of beer in the fridge.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 28/08/2024 17:31

@palmtreesands You are not being unreasonable to not want to cook a hot meal for a grown adult every day when you're not planning to eat one yourself.

Where you are being unreasonable is that you've told him he can't do his own food shopping because there's no room in the fridge, and your deal is that his rent includes meals, but you don't want to either cook him meals or buy ingredients for him to cook his own meals.

You need to make your mind up. Either his rent includes food, in which case you need to buy ingredients he can use to make his dinner, or it doesn't, in which case he should be paying a bit less and he should have space in the fridge allocated to him so he can do his own food shopping. But if you say you don't want to cook for him or buy ingredients so he can cook for himself and you also don't want him to do his own food shopping because there's not enough room in the fridge, it's not clear what you're expecting him to eat.

If the fridge is full of beer you need to either get a bigger fridge, or get a beer fridge, or tell your husband and son to only chill a small number of beers at a time.

Breadcat24 · 28/08/2024 17:30

Buy another fridge freezer! You can buy one for £150.
If he knows how to cook let him shop for himself. If not discuss with him what meals he likes and do a batch cook session with him.
Either way I think you are a bit mean at the moment- it must be grim to to come home from work hungry expecting either cooked food or food to cook and getting nothing.

Flamingos89 · 28/08/2024 17:28

Let me get this straight…

You are telling him he can’t buy his own food due to space, ask him to contribute to the food shop monthly and you will get the food for him - but then, choose to eat out and not buy him any food to cook!

You are being so unreasonable! You don’t sound like you eat alot - let you son have some fridge space and don’t stave him when he contributes quite a significant amount for his room.

MotherofGorgons · 28/08/2024 17:27

Won't you need a fridge when the baby arrives?

LuckySantangelo35 · 28/08/2024 17:26

Fiddlemetimbers · 28/08/2024 16:38

A roof over his head. A bed to sleep in. Warmth. Beers and snacks with daddy. Up till now a step mother who cooks for him even night because he won't settle for less than his single solitary hot meal when nobody else in the house is wanting to eat hit food. Just because he's been to work and she has tits.

By the way, £400 is fucking peanuts. It's 2024, not 1994.

this is fair tbh

mumedu · 28/08/2024 17:26

If he's paying £400 rent, you need to give him some space in the fridge. Do you expect him not to eat in the evenings? This is a very strange way to treat your son, adult or not. He is hungry in the evenings, as most people are. Even a tenant renting a room off you would expect shared fridge space. As the mum of a 17 year old, I would not my son to go hungry.

femfemlicious · 28/08/2024 17:23

Beth216 · 28/08/2024 15:05

I don't understand, do you not have a fridge? Is your fridge filled up with all your massive salads? Why don't you have a small salad at lunch and then make a meal for everyone in the evening? Or let him make a meal for everyone in the evening?

Edited

I was wondering tooo🤣. If you don't cool what is the fridge full of?@palmtreesands

Swipe left for the next trending thread