Can't be bothered to cook for son

Yeah I've also suffered significant abuse and trauma in my own life so I do know what I'm talking about.

YOU are the patronising one, trying to make out you see something that I'm unable to.

What did you do when he was at school.
If I was your son I'd feel completely unwelcome. Awful way to treat him

My god you have no idea what abuse looks like!!! That’s speaking from someone who has been through past trauma and abuse!! You have absolutely no idea and I find your comments both insulting and patronising!!!

Manipulation and control.

My God you really have added arms and legs to this story haven't you

Also it’s not even about whether or not he is ‘allowed’ it’s all about manipulation and control which again you seem blind to the red flags!

Wow! Social services for baby jars? 🤣 You do realise that although some people may turn their nose up at buying baby jars, they are very much legally sold in almost all convenience stores and supermarkets so anyone buying baby jars isn’t doing anything wrong! It isn’t child abuse and ss aren’t going to get involved for someone feeding their baby on baby jars from the supermarket!

Also if you dont recognise that taking money off someone every month, claiming that payment includes food, then doesn’t make sure the food is provided (financial abuse). And tells him when he comes home from work that there are no ingredients in the fridge for him to cook his own food, then tells him there’s no room in the fridge for him to store any food if he wants to buy his own, then unfortunately that is quite emotionally abusive. Not only that comes on here to make a thread to tell everyone she can’t be arsed to cook for him either and that she ends up having to go to the shop herself (which sounds like she is also moaning about that too) then it seems you may not recognise those (albeit very subtle) red flags but they are there and either you have never gone through emotional abuse and financial abuse yourself or are unable to see it!!
It’s designed to make someone’s life as difficult as possible for the DS. Yes he has beer in the fridge but so does DS! He is having money taken off him which op has already said his food comes out of that money but they can’t seem to be arsed to provide the food or allow him to buy his own!

The abuse is very much continuing whether you like to admit that or not. Yes his dad neglected him when he was younger but abusive people don’t just stop becoming abusive!

What a black and white view you have just because your family did things differently.
One way isn't necessarily better.

Many people say they were expected to hand up X amount when they were younger and that it thought them a lot about budgeting and the value of money etc.

Some families who do this are well off so it's not about greed, and many do it out of necessity because of the cost of living and they genuinely can't afford to cover all of the costs of having adult children in the home while the adult child gets to spend all of their wages on themselves.

Also the alcohol doesn't seem to be for the OP, she said its the DH and the sons beer, and she's heavily pregnant.

Also it's £400 a month that he's paying, not £400 a week which you keep saying.

I'm sure that there's plenty out there feeding their babies baby jars and they never come to the attention of social services.
The family absolutely sound like they would benefit from some kind of intervention, but realistically that's unlikely to happen. Any change is going to have to come because the family want it or if she decides to leave.

Her eating habits might not be the norm but I don't think that they're that uncommon either, lots of people (women particularly) will say that they pick and don't eat full meals. And I'm sure some of the people saying how strange they are will have disordered eating habits themselves

As for the DS being abused, yes the dad never cooked and always fed him takeaway, I would definitely agree that that can be abuse unless of course they were always getting healthy takeaways which is probably unlikely.

But once again in your telling of this scenario you stop right before the part where she does in fact go out and buy the ingredients and cook for him, she doesn't say that she moans at him either.

And while a child who was neglected or abused may still feel the effects into adulthood, that doesn't mean that the abuse/neglect is ongoing.

If for example a parent refused to wash their kids clothes when they were small that would be neglect, but if they refused to wash their young adults clothes it wouldn't be.

But you're probably going to say that it would be abuse if he wasn't 'allowed' to wash his clothes, in which case I'm probably going to have to respond that there's a difference between being not 'allowed' and not being able to because they were using the washing machine for something else (like storing beer).

Also there are lots of parents who would have always made sure that there was homecooked meals who don't worry about what their young adults eat either!

I think the way the OP wrote the thread got peoples backs up, but if she had posted that her son filled the fridge with beer but then complained that there was no room for food meaning she had to go out every evening to buy fresh ingredients then I think almost everyone would have told her that the son was taking the absolute piss.

I'm sure that there's plenty out there feeding their babies baby jars and they never come to the attention of social services.
The family absolutely sound like they would benefit from some kind of intervention, but realistically that's unlikely to happen. Any change is going to have to come because the family want it or if she decides to leave.

Her eating habits might not be the norm but I don't think that they're that uncommon either, lots of people (women particularly) will say that they pick and don't eat full meals. And I'm sure some of the people saying how strange they are will have disordered eating habits themselves

As for the DS being abused, yes the dad never cooked and always fed him takeaway, I would definitely agree that that can be abuse unless of course they were always getting healthy takeaways which is probably unlikely.

But once again in your telling of this scenario you stop right before the part where she does in fact go out and buy the ingredients and cook for him, she doesn't say that she moans at him either.

And while a child who was neglected or abused may still feel the effects into adulthood, that doesn't mean that the abuse/neglect is ongoing.

If for example a parent refused to wash their kids clothes when they were small that would be neglect, but if they refused to wash their young adults clothes it wouldn't be.

But you're probably going to say that it would be abuse if he wasn't 'allowed' to wash his clothes, in which case I'm probably going to have to respond that there's a difference between being not 'allowed' and not being able to because they were using the washing machine for something else (like storing beer).

Also there are lots of parents who would have always made sure that there was homecooked meals who don't worry about what their young adults eat either!

I think the way the OP wrote the thread got peoples backs up, but if she had posted that her son filled the fridge with beer but then complained that there was no room for food meaning she had to go out every evening to buy fresh ingredients then I think almost everyone would have told her that the son was taking the absolute piss.

There is no mention or implication of pregnancy or baby in the OP’s posts, think someone’s misread something and then it’s snowballed…

Why not? Why would you take £400 a week off of your son.
That's not how families should behave with eachother, how is he meant to save anything.
She can't be bothered to cook for him, what's she going to do when the baby comes along.
Were your wages taken from you?
What's wrong with people 😬

Excuse yourself.
Not privileged at all never have been.
Parents never took a penny from any of us and they lived through harder times as did their own parents who again never took money from their children either.
I get people are struggling with costs, but both parents are working and can afford money for alcohol so things can't be that bad. I'm sure if they calculate the cost of the booze in the fridge there's a few shopping trolleys that could be filled instead.
It's just pure greed and laziness from the parents.

What's wrong with people?

Like you, they don't RTFT.

I also think this is a wind-up* but that's not the problem. The problem is all the BoyMoms on here who think the sun shines out of their son's penises. Stop raising your sons to believe that women are appliances who exist for them to use at will.
I suspect this is where a lot of the failure-to-launch-cocklodgers are coming from. (See the catlodger thread.)

*As if 2 grown men aren't perfectly capable of making room in the fridge for food without the subservient wifey being involved.

@Tinkeebell

its very privileged of you to just assume that every family can afford to have another adult living there - related or not - and they not be contributing to the bills, mortgage etc especially given the cost of living crisis.

No idea what she’s going to do when the baby gets here - well put it this way, if she’s not feeding the baby properly and there’s no room in the fridge due to excessive amounts of beer taking up all the room then social services will most likely end up getting involved somehow. Then she will HAVE to do something.

I have I already replied to you before and said they might be alcoholics! So yes I have taken that into consideration! If the fridge situation is really as bad as op claims then I would say DH definitely has an alcohol problem and DS might be following in his footsteps.
And if they get nasty if op tells them she wants the beers removing then she really does need to think about her baby and maybe try and move out - because beer in exchange for putting food in the fridge is not the way to live with a small baby.

Either way, the op herself seems to have strange eating habits which many people have commented on. The whole thread seems extremely bizarre. What I have come to realise though is although you might not see it, the DS also seems to be the victim of some sort of abuse - grew up never having a proper meal, has to pay £400, some of which goes towards his food but there’s never food in the house for him, he’s told not to buy it himself because there’s no room in the fridge but op moans because she has to go out and buy it for him! Both op and her DH don’t seem to care how the DS eats or if he eats at all. There seems to be a complete disregard to his feelings in all this and this has been my argument all along. Yes he’s an adult but I assume still quite a young adult.

Why not? Why would you take £400 a week off of your son.
That's not how families should behave with eachother, how is he meant to save anything.
She can't be bothered to cook for him, what's she going to do when the baby comes along.
Were your wages taken from you?
What's wrong with people 😬